Vatican “Holding” Cash for Second Coming

(Special to The Horseshoe from Rome – April 25, 2015)

Pope Francis has addressed the massed wealth of the Vatican in light of hungry constituents around the world. In his annual Easter Message the populist pontiff told a crowd in St Peter’s Square that the church was saving the money for the Second Coming.
“When Jesus returns he’ll need a little spending money and we are busy securing those funds for him,” said Pope Francis. “We can’t have the man out begging or performing miracles just to eat,” he said, in direct reference to the great prophet’s return to earth at an undisclosed time.
When asked how much money will be given as compared to how much is in the coffer the Pope declined to answer suggesting interested parties contact Cardinal Mario Plata over at the Vatican Treasury.
The Pontiff then said that the status of the fortune stashed here was unclear and that he planned to earmark half for distribution among the poor.
“And not just Catholics,” offered Plata. “Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews and even Protestants are on the Vatican radar.”
Sources here continue to struggle over who gets what when the floodgates open.
“It’s kind of like a big family deciding on who gets what after the death of a patriarch or matriarch except we are talking about millions of people and quite a chunk of change.”
Francis’ recent pronouncement on the validity of climate change and a directory of what practicing Catholics should do to confront the problem, is sure to anger plenty of deniers in their pompous pews from Dublin to Darwin. – Melvin Toolini