All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Astronomical Development Has Scientists Reeling

(Dry Creek —  January 20, 2015) Professors at Chattanooga Observatory announced late last night that Ganymede, the largest of Jupiter’s satellites, has been forced out of its normal orbit due to gravitational disturbances relating to unmanned spaceships and fracking on the earth’s surface.
The spaceship traffic has crowded the skies and marred long established gravity belts near the ozone of the earth, while the fracking has created a volatile stratospheric maze of earthquakes that have ravaged such garden spots as Oklahoma and Texas, where 98 % of the residents favor fracking and believe the Second Coming is at hand.
At last count Ganymede was on a collision corpse with Earth, a planet currently enjoying a midsummer night’s dream. The satellite, one of the famed Galilean moons that is roughly the same size as our planet, should hit the southern reaches of the city of Montrose at 9:45 pm on August 32, which would most likely kick start the end of the world. (That’s all folks).
Grandstands are being hastily constructed to accommodate the tourist crowd still swooning over the Fourth of July fireworks show. Reservations can be secured by contacting any member of a plethora of economic growth committees, several airport chat lines or Region Zen. All tickets must be paid for in advance.

Obama waxes favorably in polls

(Gunnison —  January 20, 2015) President Obama’s approval rating skyrocketed today according to the latest Gallup Poll conducted in remote, untouched communities. The strict scientific survey asked 300 remaining American survivors of last week’s nuclear war if they thought Obama had done a good job in light of the marginal destruction of mankind. Further probes clearly indicate that the upsurge in popularity was linked to a direct hit on Lenin’s Tomb in Red Square. The bold move came in retaliation for the dreadful Russian bombing of Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills.
“Decisive, manly action is what we need in the foreign policy sector,” said General Karl Worthington Bulbous of Pentagon-Exxon. “All this planning and coordinating is a waste of time. Our great President Ronald Reagan never paid attention to restraint, and, although his only victory came in Grenada. Republicans remember him as a great warrior President, presumably because of the way he played soldiers in the movies.
With an inconceivable approval rating of 98% Obama has declared an end to opinion polls in this country and has arrested the 2% that still don’t like him. With the substantially smaller population base in the country, federal pollsters will now be able to interview everyone personally and avoid errors that have plagued the practice since Napoleon.
– Professor Peter Boyd

FOX Purges Anchors

(Denver, CO – January 10, 2015)
Apparently even queueing has its limits. Today executives at FOX News announced the network would be cutting news staff following the comments of one female newscaster who blamed the metric system for the crash of Air Asia Flight QZ8501 from Indonesia to Singapore.
“We’re just trimming the fat,” said Minnie Mentira. “Viewers should not be alarmed.”
Potentially embarrassing circumstances appear to have come to a head following a newsperson’s observation that the air traffic controllers and pilots were using the metric system to measure fuel, plot routes and communicate with the ground when they should have been using the Imperial System (customary units) like the one used by modern countries like America.
Suggesting that President Obama used the metric system (and quite possibly devil worship) to get elected, FOX urged its loyal viewing audience to reject the procedural scheme on those grounds alone.
The implication was painfully clear. To paraphrase: Metrics are unreliable, at least over the Java Sea. This would not have happened if other countries and cultures would follow the American lead.
“This woman’s mastery science not to mention world geography is frightening,” said one former CBS official. “But at least she is aware that another system of measurements exists and she didn’t confuse Indonesia with India or Indiana. It’s unbelievable that someone could make a comment like this on live news.”
Heads will begin to roll appropriately following Ground Hog’s Day.
Pulling in the reins, say executives, will not be easy. Television personalities, particularly at risk are those who have traveled out of the United States (not counting Canada, Branson and Cancun), those who speak a foreign language, those who occasionally skip breakfast meats, those not wearing a Ronald Reagan tie clip or broach and those who don’t own an RV.
The purge is likely to effect current newsroom employees, many who can document live births. On the chopping block are newscasters who have studied beyond high school, read for enjoyment, have skipped the mandatory pretty hair, wandering eye and accentuated hand movement seminar, and those who are suspected of using the metric system in private.
“While many of these described attributes and behaviors may appeal to liberals we will not have any of it,” summarized Mentira. “Producing a cartoon news program is no walk in the park and we must be vigilant.”
– Gabby Haze

Bushes Expecting Third Child in June

Special from the Dallas Divide Rumor Mill – January 10, 2015
A proud and happy George W. Bush confirmed suspicions that his wife of many years, Laura, would be giving birth in early summer. The former Chief Executive, known for his tough talk and prompted speeches, would not expound on the details of the conception saying only it was “a big surprise”.

Daughters Jenna Bush Hager and Barbara Pierce Bush had no comment on the announcement.
World leaders from around the globe sent warm congratulations to the Bushes who would not say if the child would live with them in relative isolation in Dallas.
“It would be cruel to ask a child to live in seclusion and exile,” said one Texas Democrat who cannot stand the prospective parents.
According to a spokesperson for the Bush family if the baby is a boy it will be named “George” and if it’s a girl it will be named “George”.
– Rocky Flats

NHL Weighs in on Global Warming

(Denver, CO — Blue Line News — January 10, 2015)
The National Hockey League will institute protective measures aimed at safeguarding its sport in the face of climate change. In what is seen as an attempt to insulate itself from future warming trends, the league has levied fines and slapped restrictions on teams not adhering to strict new regulations.
It all starts with water, frozen and intricately merged with the parameters of a rink to form a smooth skating surface. This ice forms the catalyst on which everything else depends. Without it ice, ice hockey would be field hockey.
Besides bringing attention to climate change the NHL is encouraging all fans to dress appropriately and take mass transit to the games.
“What we don’t need is excess body heat in the stands,” said an NHL source. “Heavy coats and scarves can create dangerous ratios when combined with the increased temperatures already in play. People don’t believe it but just a degree can result in treacherous ice quality. We’ll be checking if you know what I mean. Even a simple hand warmer can be detrimental in this fragile relationship between hot air and ice.”
The hot air, created by sports analysts and broadcasters has been blamed for the loss of 16 inches of ice at league venues in 2014 alone.
“We are considering the banishment of all sportscasters until levels of generated methane gas it can be determined,” said the source. “Fans take the ice for granted. If we hope to save our beloved ice hockey we must protect and preserve the major components, and I’m talking about the pucks.”
– Donald Cherry

JANUARY KIOSK

Colona, Colorado – January 10, 2015
A selection of announcements deemed necessary for the daily health and well being of our reader composed by pompous red-nosed bureaucrats in our editorial kennels.

LEAP YEAR VACCINATION DEADLINE
February 5 is the final deadline to get your Leap Year Vaccination. According to the Colorado Bored of Health this shot may protect Colorado residents from moral bankruptcy, killer bees, telephone solicitors, sexual innuendo, overcooked fish platters, insurance fraud, the scurvy, omnipotence and malpractice suits. The locations of this intrinsic medical procedure are secret and can only be discovered by purchasing at least one magazine subscription (see page 28) between now and the end of January. Complimentary services often associated with this preventative inoculation include weekend laundry service and access to cheap long distance rates. For more information go hang out at the corner of Main and Townsend in Montrose. One of our representatives will be with you momentarily.

CAR ALARM BAN STARTS THURSDAY
A strict car alarm ban will be enforced as of Thursday according to a spokesman for the Crested Butte and Jack’s Cabin Police League. No exceptions will be made. If you have a car alarm and live in this jurisdiction it is suggested that you rewire your vehicle or trade it in for one without the annoying accessory. Persons apprehended after noise ordinance abuses will be jailed without coffee and/or beaten about the head and shoulders while undergoing extensive exposure to hip-hop tunes from the North Fork Valley.

UN Weapons Inspection Teams Landing in Washington
United Nations weapons inspection teams are currently landing in Washington DC to begin surveillance of suspected arsenals here. Despite the presence of Iraqis on the investigative team US officials have promised to cooperate with the probe. The United States is said to possess assault technology of mass destruction and may be capable of building offensive chemical weapons. Citizens are advised to avoid the area until next week. If you have weapons of this nature in your dominion please turn yourself over to the United Nations prior to Ground Hog Day.

Gang Appreciation Day Canceled
The first annual Gang Appreciation Day, scheduled for Saturday at Larimer Square in Denver has been canceled. Authorities had hoped to lure violent gang members into the architectural canyons of the Mile High City then conduct sweeping arrests on charges of illegal assembly. Unfortunately the gang members, often three to four steps ahead of the cops, got wind of the operation and fled to Cheyenne for the weekend. No make-up date has been slated.

A Penny Saved…
The United States Postal Service has repeated a warning to persons intent on sticking copper pennies behind 32-cent stamps in an attempt to qualify for new first-class rates. In a direct statement the postmasters say: Anyone observed engaging in such senseless behavior will be ignored until further notice. It is not clear why the post office has expressed concern over this matter or why anyone would go to all the trouble to foul up mail service. Terrorism is feared.
– Uncle Pahgre