All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Western Counties May Secede

Donald Powers Jr. and Melvin Toolini contributed to this article

It has become painfully apparent that the state gov’ment, based far, far away in Denver, is partial toward the needs of the Front Range. Sadly, the best anyone from Western Colorado can hope for are the crumbs leftover from that mess over there. Either that or complete separation.
Many imperative projects have been forgotten or never began due to priorities based on population and wealth centered on the east side of the Great Divide. The social and economic progress of the Western Slope has suffered in direct correlation to this blind eye.
Because of this deplorable situation it has long been the desire of many residents living in these hinterlands to drop off the map of Colorado and form an independent government. A precedent was set in West Virginia in 1862 when that state left Virginia over a communal disturbance called the American Civil War.
And now a progressive yet tedious concept has been advanced that may supplant the above notion: Secession from the United States!
Spearheaded by a contingent of mining and agricultural interests, the expanded concept bases its stimulus on the belief that the United States is headed rapidly toward demise. Be it terrorism, nuclear war, global warming, sectarian violence or the accelerated dumbing down of the nation, the cards appear stacked against a bright future.
“People do not appear to like each other in the US,” said Professor Efram Pennywhistle of the Western Slope Mood and Leverage Institute. “They all blame the other side for the problems that have been created by everyone. Many here feel that by severing ties we might escape the coming holocaust, this bad karma.
For logistical reasons the entire landmass of the Western Slope will not be included in the plan. Although still in the early planning stages it has become clear that hastily raised militia cannot defend vast reaches that border Wyoming and Utah. At present it is hoped that the counties of San Juan, Ouray, Hinsdale, Ouray and San Miguel can be weaved into a workable union, allied as a kind of Switzerland of America.
Although the inclusion of Montrose and Delta Counties would provide verdant agricultural pasture, it has been firmly rejected by the clandestine leadership due to the difficulty of defending the flatlands against an expected military incursion by the United States or other potentially hostile parties on our borders.
“The mountainous regions can be held by a relatively small force against a stronger contingent of attackers,” said a well-decorated commander named George S. Bolivar. “The plains would mandate the deployment of a considerably larger army.”
While many distinct problems remain unanswered as to the actual formation of a new nation, several have found immediate solutions. For example, forming a treasury would not be difficult in that all of property and industry owned by non-residents would be nationalized. This would include valuable mining operations and water projects that the new government could manage. Gold and jobs would be the result. The gold would then be available for coinage, giving the new country the soundest monetary base in the world. Instead of printed promises, as in our present currency, all money
would now have inherent worth as solid gold, a standard respected anywhere.
High yields shared by a small population would create a tax-free system where opportunity would exist for all.
Pettiness has reared its head as such items of contention include the location of the new capital. Already many towns and cities have eyeballed the honor. Then the floundering founders remembered Capitol City in Hinsdale County agreeing that it might be the perfect spot.
Capitol City was plotted during the early years of settlement with the hopes that it would become the seat of government for the state. With this in mind the name evolved. Today Capitol City is one of many ghost towns that dot topographic maps, surviving the boom and bust status of those mining days.
It has been tentatively decided that Capitol City might be easily resurrected and put to this original intention, thus terminating future arguments. Names for the new nation drifted from such frontrunners as Colotherado and Blue Sky Confederation.
A host of other problems must still be sorted out. One bothersome question asks if it is ethical to charge neighboring domains for not building sewage treatment plants where our rivers cross out of our borders and into theirs. These annoyances are expected to be resolved in good time.
Meanwhile emissaries from this controversial congress will continue to bring about a reality aimed at shedding the tyranny of our oppressors without provoking a destructive, martial response.
We at this newspaper will endeavor to keep you informed of all issues related to the secession, as they unfold. Until then: Keep your powder dry.

Obama Slams Black Friday

(Special to The Horseshoe from The Honolulu Pearl – May 10, 2015)

President Obama today slammed Black Friday expressing strong distaste for the entire concept, threatening to veto the retail practice in 2015.
Saying that the entire concept derides humans and benefits only the credit card companies, the Chief Executive identified what he called “callus consumerism and bottom-feeder disregard for one’s neighbor as a destructive element in our descending social networks.”
“We spend Thanksgiving being thankful for what we have then the very next day we go out and buy a lot of crap we don’t need,” said the President.
A White House spokesman went on to say that the American public is riding on improprieties and turning our most cherished holidays into a competition for who goes home with the loot.
“As a nation we need to stop this nonsense and get back to what is important: family, personal responsibility and concern for one’s fellow man, not more plastic,” he stressed.
The State of Colorado, tapping excess resources leftover from The Affordable Care Act, offers counseling and in-patient care for the chronically maladjusted.
“We cringe at the thought that other holidays will adopt this animal approach,” continued the spokesman. “Valentines Day is dead in the water but holidays such as Earth Day and July 4 and have maintained their integrity in the face of corporate socialism.”
Actually this is the same old whining and there is not much more content here. We just liked the headline. – Dinty Moor

For a related story please see Hard News:
Contraband Brownies Credited with House Shift on DC Legalization

RE 11785 PASSES

(From The Fervent Gossip – San Juan Mountain – May 25, 2015)

The passage of RE 11785 comes as no surprise to anyone associated with the measure. Opponents swallowed defeat quietly while supporters enjoyed their place in the sun. The electorate was uninterested in the action, as has become a pattern, preferring to worry about terrorists or go shopping.
“The funny thing about RE 11785 is that no one in these chambers has any idea what it is about or what it entails,” gaped Melvin Toolini, 95, a wealthy peanut butter and jelly rancher who bought his Senate seat in 1954. “No one read it. No one discussed it and, to top it off no one claims responsibility for its origin.”
RE 11785, which slated to become law in the fall, may effect everyday life or have no impact at all according to legislators. Many feel it will be stored away with the mounds of other laws that are not enforced or not applied to a given situation.
“I wouldn’t get all worked up over this petty development,” quipped Toolini, his beady eyes surveying the room for enemies and allies. “At least we finally agree on something.” – Small Mouth Bess

Poets, Actors Driven From National Mall

(Washington – Freedom Team Release – May 10, 2015)

House Republicans today introduced a bill that call s fort he prohibition of “unruly elements” from federal property. If the measure passes in the House and Senate artists, philosophers, writers, poets and actors will be banned during business hours.
Members of these fringe groups must register with Homeland Security and vacate the premises in line with the restrictions proposed.
“It was getting so that lobbyists and limo drivers couldn’t get through the mobs,” said Rep. Orville Teete (R-Ga) who has not been convicted of tax evasion, war profiteering or white supremacy leanings in the past six months.
“When we succeed at ending Social Security, Medicare, Unemployment Insurance and the food stamp programs these types will cease to be an threat to our democracy,” said Teete.
It was not clear if the action precipitates from a controversial change that keeps the Congress open 24 hours a day in 2015.
Meanwhile data has emerged regarding the current names for Washington area airports. According to a last will and testament Pierre LaFonte, the architect of the United States’ capitol, the airports should be named after DC native, Duke Ellington and former Redskins’ quarterback, Sonny Jurgensen instead of Ronald Reagan and John Foster Dulles. LaFonte had stipulated that a great part of his lucrative estate would go toward securing these deathbed directives.
Since the Congress acquisitioned and spent the funds long ago, that governing body appears to have no choice but to yield to the wishes of LaFonte.
Naming our airports after the Duke and Sonny sends a strong message to the rest of the world that the United States has come to its senses and will cease naming crumbling infrastructure after crumbling politicians.
“Naming an airport after a politician is like naming your house after the crook who robbed it,” said one poet, the victim of police fire hoses. “I don’t think my poems are conducive to the master plan.” – Alfalfa Romeo

The Happy Horseshoer

by Xanander Hollandaise
CALL ME FARRIER

What a Ringer!

Dear Xanader:
I’m considered a very attractive forty-one-year-old woman. For many years I have enjoyed a wonderful marriage with what I always thought was an erotic exposure to the game of horseshoes. But when I participated at a recent tournament I was hurled into a state of heightened awareness, so that now I am climbing the walls in what can only be called “enhanced anxiety”. Here are the sordid details.
One night a couple of weeks ago my husband and I has an unusually nasty fight, just as he was leaving for an extended business trip. We hadn’t played horseshoes for a long time and certainly did not that night. That’s when I met the Uncompahgre Pitcher’s Club. Ten handsome players who all wanted to play with me. A strong flirtation with the stake, the feel of the sand, and the cold beers convinced me to throw caution to the wind. Ringer, leaner, point…I became uncontrollable. Another point, a ringer, a skunk. It went on and on until the wee hours of the morning.
After I woke up I felt anything but guilty for the night before. The temptation to seek another encounter has been with me to this very day. My husband came home to a more expressive, less inhibited pitcher. Now the two of us sneak off and play shoes over our lunch hour or sometimes throw a few before work. Here’s hoping my experience helps your reader get over the fear of the pit. – DA

Sounds great to me! I suggest you sign up for another tournament the next time your husband leaves town. Remember that he could be tossing a few himself between meetings. – Xanader

Fear of Trying
I hope you can help with my problem, Xanander. I am a twenty-year-old college student who has never played a game of horseshoes, and its really starting to get to me. My sister’s friends tell me I’m a gifted athlete and I’ve had plenty of experience watching films and reading but whenever I pick up a set of shoes I turn to putty. It’s getting so that I break into a sweat when I think of attending a county affair or a simple backyard barbecue. I think I’m afraid that I will miss the pit and embarrass myself. I have fantasized about virility and a winning form but to no avail.
What’s even worse is to hear my friends talk about their conquests as if it were nothing at all. I’ve avoiding their piercing questions, their appraisals. I’d hate to think what they would say if they knew I had written to you. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. – RD

I suspect that your sisters friends know very little about sensualities and the drive that makes males want to succeed. Why not hire a professional to get you over the rough spots? – Xanander

Secret Desires
My wife and I make up a truly remarkable horseshoe tram, although recently she has expressed a strong attraction to playing with others. I can’t stand the thought of competing with her on that level. The situation has deteriorated to new lows and I have lost my concentration causing my shoe to fall short of expectations. The thought of her playing with another partner has led me to lose faith in my abilities as a pitcher.

Falling short of the pit is normal. Don’t get melodramatic over a simple game. Maybe a higher performance threshold will win her back. If not summer is short and there are lots of other potential partners.

All correspondence is treated in confidence. Send your questions to Xanander Hollandaise at this website. We regret that no private responses will be supplied.

US Destroyer Attacked by Nicaraguan Tuna Boat

(Blue Mesa Reservoir News Service – May 10, 2015)

The USS Cuckold, a semi-retired battleship, was reportedly fired on this morning by at least two well-armed tuna craft flying the Sandinista flag. The vicious attack on a member of the U.S. Caribbean fleet was unprovoked according to sources in Miami.
“When one country invades another as many times as the U.S. has invaded Nicaragua the concept of unprovoked must be examined,” said one sea captain from Leon. “Sometimes these things get lost in translation.”
The Cuckold, carrying a maximum cargo of 1964 Tonkin Henways, suffered minor damage to the galley and some temporary loss of power and prestige in the world community.
The confrontation occurred in the Bay of Swine some 20 miles off the east coast of the Corn Islands. Hawks in the House and Senate are calling for an economic embargo of the second poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.
“That’ll teach ‘em,” said one enlightened Republican.

U.S. Marines Land in Nicaragua Again

(Bathtub Buddies News – May 15, 2015)

Two divisions of U.S. Marines waded ashore near Lake Managua much to the delight of Nicaraguan college girls and beer vendors who came out en masse to greet them. Unsolicited sources in Central America vehemently denied that the ladies are Haitian prostitutes on the payroll of the Koch brothers who hope to construct several new canals through its fragile, primitive terrain.
“We must beat the Chinese at their own game,” said a Koch mouthpiece.
The troops faced no resistance since most Nicaraguans were already late for work and it was beginning to rain. Several restaurants began selling black bean soup and a band began to play as the soldiers settled in for the night.
President Obama later told The Horseshoe that the entire deployment was an attempt to protect American interests in response to the tuna boat attack on the USS Cuckold back on May 10.
Leading the troops ashore were the hugely popular Nicaraguan comedy duo, Anastasia and Merryweather “Tachito” Somoza along with seahorse cavalry trained and supplied by the United Fruit Company over in Honduras.
Vice President Joe Biden, the ranking official in this fiasco, was forced from the field after consuming four bowls of black bean soup at a Cuban cafe. He is expected to run for office here or in the U.S. when the time is right. – Che “Pino” Che