US Destroyer Attacked by Nicaraguan Tuna Boat

(Blue Mesa Reservoir News Service – May 10, 2015)

The USS Cuckold, a semi-retired battleship, was reportedly fired on this morning by at least two well-armed tuna craft flying the Sandinista flag. The vicious attack on a member of the U.S. Caribbean fleet was unprovoked according to sources in Miami.
“When one country invades another as many times as the U.S. has invaded Nicaragua the concept of unprovoked must be examined,” said one sea captain from Leon. “Sometimes these things get lost in translation.”
The Cuckold, carrying a maximum cargo of 1964 Tonkin Henways, suffered minor damage to the galley and some temporary loss of power and prestige in the world community.
The confrontation occurred in the Bay of Swine some 20 miles off the east coast of the Corn Islands. Hawks in the House and Senate are calling for an economic embargo of the second poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.
“That’ll teach ‘em,” said one enlightened Republican.

U.S. Marines Land in Nicaragua Again

(Bathtub Buddies News – May 15, 2015)

Two divisions of U.S. Marines waded ashore near Lake Managua much to the delight of Nicaraguan college girls and beer vendors who came out en masse to greet them. Unsolicited sources in Central America vehemently denied that the ladies are Haitian prostitutes on the payroll of the Koch brothers who hope to construct several new canals through its fragile, primitive terrain.
“We must beat the Chinese at their own game,” said a Koch mouthpiece.
The troops faced no resistance since most Nicaraguans were already late for work and it was beginning to rain. Several restaurants began selling black bean soup and a band began to play as the soldiers settled in for the night.
President Obama later told The Horseshoe that the entire deployment was an attempt to protect American interests in response to the tuna boat attack on the USS Cuckold back on May 10.
Leading the troops ashore were the hugely popular Nicaraguan comedy duo, Anastasia and Merryweather “Tachito” Somoza along with seahorse cavalry trained and supplied by the United Fruit Company over in Honduras.
Vice President Joe Biden, the ranking official in this fiasco, was forced from the field after consuming four bowls of black bean soup at a Cuban cafe. He is expected to run for office here or in the U.S. when the time is right. – Che “Pino” Che