Western Counties May Secede

Donald Powers Jr. and Melvin Toolini contributed to this article

It has become painfully apparent that the state gov’ment, based far, far away in Denver, is partial toward the needs of the Front Range. Sadly, the best anyone from Western Colorado can hope for are the crumbs leftover from that mess over there. Either that or complete separation.
Many imperative projects have been forgotten or never began due to priorities based on population and wealth centered on the east side of the Great Divide. The social and economic progress of the Western Slope has suffered in direct correlation to this blind eye.
Because of this deplorable situation it has long been the desire of many residents living in these hinterlands to drop off the map of Colorado and form an independent government. A precedent was set in West Virginia in 1862 when that state left Virginia over a communal disturbance called the American Civil War.
And now a progressive yet tedious concept has been advanced that may supplant the above notion: Secession from the United States!
Spearheaded by a contingent of mining and agricultural interests, the expanded concept bases its stimulus on the belief that the United States is headed rapidly toward demise. Be it terrorism, nuclear war, global warming, sectarian violence or the accelerated dumbing down of the nation, the cards appear stacked against a bright future.
“People do not appear to like each other in the US,” said Professor Efram Pennywhistle of the Western Slope Mood and Leverage Institute. “They all blame the other side for the problems that have been created by everyone. Many here feel that by severing ties we might escape the coming holocaust, this bad karma.
For logistical reasons the entire landmass of the Western Slope will not be included in the plan. Although still in the early planning stages it has become clear that hastily raised militia cannot defend vast reaches that border Wyoming and Utah. At present it is hoped that the counties of San Juan, Ouray, Hinsdale, Ouray and San Miguel can be weaved into a workable union, allied as a kind of Switzerland of America.
Although the inclusion of Montrose and Delta Counties would provide verdant agricultural pasture, it has been firmly rejected by the clandestine leadership due to the difficulty of defending the flatlands against an expected military incursion by the United States or other potentially hostile parties on our borders.
“The mountainous regions can be held by a relatively small force against a stronger contingent of attackers,” said a well-decorated commander named George S. Bolivar. “The plains would mandate the deployment of a considerably larger army.”
While many distinct problems remain unanswered as to the actual formation of a new nation, several have found immediate solutions. For example, forming a treasury would not be difficult in that all of property and industry owned by non-residents would be nationalized. This would include valuable mining operations and water projects that the new government could manage. Gold and jobs would be the result. The gold would then be available for coinage, giving the new country the soundest monetary base in the world. Instead of printed promises, as in our present currency, all money
would now have inherent worth as solid gold, a standard respected anywhere.
High yields shared by a small population would create a tax-free system where opportunity would exist for all.
Pettiness has reared its head as such items of contention include the location of the new capital. Already many towns and cities have eyeballed the honor. Then the floundering founders remembered Capitol City in Hinsdale County agreeing that it might be the perfect spot.
Capitol City was plotted during the early years of settlement with the hopes that it would become the seat of government for the state. With this in mind the name evolved. Today Capitol City is one of many ghost towns that dot topographic maps, surviving the boom and bust status of those mining days.
It has been tentatively decided that Capitol City might be easily resurrected and put to this original intention, thus terminating future arguments. Names for the new nation drifted from such frontrunners as Colotherado and Blue Sky Confederation.
A host of other problems must still be sorted out. One bothersome question asks if it is ethical to charge neighboring domains for not building sewage treatment plants where our rivers cross out of our borders and into theirs. These annoyances are expected to be resolved in good time.
Meanwhile emissaries from this controversial congress will continue to bring about a reality aimed at shedding the tyranny of our oppressors without provoking a destructive, martial response.
We at this newspaper will endeavor to keep you informed of all issues related to the secession, as they unfold. Until then: Keep your powder dry.