All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Indian Named as new Police Chief
(Coorsville, Colorado – May 25, 2015
In a surprise announcement City Hall has appointed an American Indian, with no previous law enforcement training to act as the new Chief of Police.
“It seemed the appropriate thing to do,” said Mayor Chuck Jalepena from his desk at the Adobe Bar and Grill downtown. “I mean…like…he’s a real Indian and everybody keeps saying we’ve got too many chiefs and not enough Indians around here. Lazy Horse is a genuine chief too. He told me so himself.”
The new lawman, who calls himself Chief Lazy Horse, was at the mayor’s side for a weekly press conference. He had more than a few comments and announced immediate changes within the department.
“I’m going to rid the force of the haircut restrictions. From now one all officers will be required to wear braids and otter skin in their hair,” explained Horse, “and that goes for the women too.”
All deputies will now ride around on horses instead of patrol cars and carry a bow and arrows as the equalizer according to the new boss.
“There will be no more harassment of Indians and Latinos, Blacks, the homeless and other poor people,” he smiled. “From now on the police will be watching the Yuppies an the rich folks in town. We will avoid racial profiling unless the suspect is in a Volvo or Saab. Anyone wearing a suit on the weekend or driving a mini-van with their hair in curlers will be detained.”
Critics of the move say they fear a complete makeover of the county law enforcement entity which has supported their interests since the Little Bighorn.” – Manco Copac
Speed Limit Increased on Mountain Passes
From The Gold Creek Erotic and Collector
(Parlin, Colorado – May 25, 2015)
An across the board speed limit increase is now in effect for all Colorado mountain passes. Policy makers in Denver have decided to raise the per hour velocity after studying time-distance charts posted on the walls in the C-DOT men’s room this morning.
The heavy-handed Front Range contingent feels very strongly that “nobody should be allowed to spend that much time going nowhere.”
The mountain routes that will soon see 75 miles per hour are Engineer, Kebler, Cinnamon, Ophir, Ohio, Corkscrew, Pearl, Black Bear, Juanita, Imogene, Owl Creek, Cottonwood, Schofield and Cumberland Passes.
Speed limits of 65 will remain for drivers on Mosquito, Marshall, McClure and Paradise Divide.
“We figure we’ve done everything else to lure these jeep enthusiasts and other motorists to Colorado so we just as well let them loose on the passes,” said one legislator. “Certain natural confines are in play that may result in dire circumstances for those who don’t respect the conditions up there, especially at night.”
In other business the Colorado House voted to fine all RV operators who do not possess a chauffeurs license and denied other motorists the right to fire on slow moving vehicles holding up more than 10 vehicles in a row. Jeepsters are asked to leave their cash and credit cards down in town in case of a serious accident or disappearance. – Sergio Jingles
Famous Bow Tie Enthusiasts
(continued from Parlin’s Gilded Age Review – May 10, 2015)
Albert Schweitzer & Mickey Mouse
C. Everet Koop & Saul Bellow
Daniel Moynihan & Irvin R. Levine
Louis Farrakhan & Gene Shalit
Alfred Kinsey & Winston Churchill
Dave Garraway & Porky Pig
Orville Redenbacher & Dagwood Bumstead
Krusty the Clown & Indiana Jones
Mr. Hooper & Elton John
Franklin Roosevelt & Wally Cox
Karl Marx & Harry Truman
Pee Wee Herman & _____.
Can you name another 20 or 30 famous bow tie wearers?
Send us your list and we’ll throw it in the trash with this worthless roster.
Did Hitler ever wear a bow tie? Dick Cheney?
Next time: “The Children’s Book of Wine” with McGeorge Normandie.
McGeorge interviews Tammy Tanat, author of “What to Tell Your Lover About Dog Food”. Elmo don Hatchette, author of “Zen Will You Shovel the Snow”, will join the stunning duo.
Later a bad studio band will crank it up. The final segment could get wild as Rev. Carlo Pique-Stinge, of Harlem/West Palm Beach debates the question of Affirmative Action with former House Republican, Steve Scalise, now of Louisiana.
Fisherman Survives on Garlic Marshmallows, Warm Coors
(Blue Mesa Lake — Sagebrush Survival Review — May 25, 2015)
When a wet and shaken Ed Pinke emerged from Chicken Bay and onto Highway 50 he was a changed man. Lost in the backwaters, drifts and rapids
common to this untamed reservoir, est. 1965, he had nothing to eat for three hours except those little yellow garlic marshmallows that are used as bait in civilized fishing circles.
Pinke wandered away from his companions at about 10 am with very little in the way of provisions, no eye protection, no safety shoes or weaponry. All he had said was “I’m going to try my luck downstream.”
All he carried was a dented tackle box, containing bait and a can of Coors.
His return brought a rousing cheer from his fishing buddies who had just returned from Gunnison with more beer.
Doctors pronounced Pinke to be in excellent shape, considering his ordeal. They vowed to further explore the relationship between garlic cubes that attract fish and hospital room service delicacies currently on the menu back at St Roscoe’s.
Pinke was cheated and released earlier this evening. He was sighted at around 8:30 digging nightcrawlers near his house.
Heartfelt Thanks to Readers
(St. Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital – Colona, Colorado — May 25, 2015)
The entire staff of the san Juan Horseshoe would like to extend its sincere gratitude for gifts and pledges received on behalf of our departed brother Edwin Toole.
June marks 19 years since Toole took an unexpected and unrehearsed dive off a common bar stool resulting in fatal injuries.
Although initially the diagnosis was limited to a dislocated liver, a severely squelched tailbone, two broken antennae, a split lip, and a broken eyebrow which did nothing but irritate his chronic, and much publicized, Gregorian gout.
Toole’s condition worsened after being admitted into St. Roscoe’s Hospital, rumored to be the best in the region.
Scandal mongers in the shabby neighborhood say the deceased injured his fibula or maybe his femora climbing out of his hospital window to place bets at Pavlov’s Dog Track, located not a block away. Please send all further donations directly to the track since Toole could not afford bedside mail delivery.
