The Happy Horseshoer

by Xanander Hollandaise

What a Ringer!

Dear Xanader:
I’m considered a very attractive forty-one-year-old woman. For many years I have enjoyed a wonderful marriage with what I always thought was an erotic exposure to the game of horseshoes. But when I participated at a recent tournament I was hurled into a state of heightened awareness, so that now I am climbing the walls in what can only be called “enhanced anxiety”. Here are the sordid details.
One night a couple of weeks ago my husband and I has an unusually nasty fight, just as he was leaving for an extended business trip. We hadn’t played horseshoes for a long time and certainly did not that night. That’s when I met the Uncompahgre Pitcher’s Club. Ten handsome players who all wanted to play with me. A strong flirtation with the stake, the feel of the sand, and the cold beers convinced me to throw caution to the wind. Ringer, leaner, point…I became uncontrollable. Another point, a ringer, a skunk. It went on and on until the wee hours of the morning.
After I woke up I felt anything but guilty for the night before. The temptation to seek another encounter has been with me to this very day. My husband came home to a more expressive, less inhibited pitcher. Now the two of us sneak off and play shoes over our lunch hour or sometimes throw a few before work. Here’s hoping my experience helps your reader get over the fear of the pit. – DA

Sounds great to me! I suggest you sign up for another tournament the next time your husband leaves town. Remember that he could be tossing a few himself between meetings. – Xanader

Fear of Trying
I hope you can help with my problem, Xanander. I am a twenty-year-old college student who has never played a game of horseshoes, and its really starting to get to me. My sister’s friends tell me I’m a gifted athlete and I’ve had plenty of experience watching films and reading but whenever I pick up a set of shoes I turn to putty. It’s getting so that I break into a sweat when I think of attending a county affair or a simple backyard barbecue. I think I’m afraid that I will miss the pit and embarrass myself. I have fantasized about virility and a winning form but to no avail.
What’s even worse is to hear my friends talk about their conquests as if it were nothing at all. I’ve avoiding their piercing questions, their appraisals. I’d hate to think what they would say if they knew I had written to you. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. – RD

I suspect that your sisters friends know very little about sensualities and the drive that makes males want to succeed. Why not hire a professional to get you over the rough spots? – Xanander

Secret Desires
My wife and I make up a truly remarkable horseshoe tram, although recently she has expressed a strong attraction to playing with others. I can’t stand the thought of competing with her on that level. The situation has deteriorated to new lows and I have lost my concentration causing my shoe to fall short of expectations. The thought of her playing with another partner has led me to lose faith in my abilities as a pitcher.

Falling short of the pit is normal. Don’t get melodramatic over a simple game. Maybe a higher performance threshold will win her back. If not summer is short and there are lots of other potential partners.

All correspondence is treated in confidence. Send your questions to Xanander Hollandaise at this website. We regret that no private responses will be supplied.

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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