All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Frog Puts Boy Down Mate’s Back
(Lilly Pad Corner — Leap Frog Lantern — March 27, 2016)
Police are searching for a taller than average tree frog who allegedly placed a squirming small boy down the back of a female frog yesterday. The girl frog has settled down and the boy human has recovered.
“We don’t want to hurt him,” said a local deputy with regards to the frog who is still on the lam this morning. “We just want to talk some sense into him. These reptiles simply have to realize that we can’t have this kind of behavior in New Age Colorado.”
Froggie was “a-courtin” at the time of the incident according to close friends. He was armed with a “sword and a pistol by his side…”
Anyone with information as to the whereabouts of the fugitive amphibian should call an authority figure and not attempt to apprehend the slippery suspect on their own.
Most Trump Supporters Cannot Pass Citizenship Test
(Goodenough Gulch) Despite calling for stricter immigration laws, 72% of Trump supporters petitioned could not pass a basic US Citizenship Exam. Pollsters from both sides of the political fence fear that the findings represent the latest chapter in The Dumbing of America, which will not be televised.
New arrivals and those who have applied for citizenship constantly score higher than the above-mentioned Hee Haw Constituency even though language and cultural barriers are substantial.
“These cerebral eunuchs, the Trump enthusiasts, have had the opportunity to educate themselves but would rather be stupid,” says one behavioral support group. “Stupid is easier and does require much. It’s the herd mentality disguised as some sort of mistaken sense of freedom.”
The Trump group did poorly in English, history, geography and science while showing little mastery of math and Constitutional law. Most would fail the entrance exams by over 50 points despite having had the material presented in high school.
“None have read Voltaire while almost 95 % knew the store hours at the local Wal-Mart. We are all to blame for allowing ignorance to be worshipped in this country,” said a spokesman for the Bad Karma Institute that encourages people to spend more time meditating and reading.
The sad but clear message here is that we have created a subculture that is hostile toward intellectual pursuit, the arts and the preservation of the culture that they say they want to defend.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“Encouraging others to do violence is immoral, whether you are ISIS, A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE or a radio talk show host.” At least ISIS takes credit for their inspired violence…
Frequent Friar Plan Lambasted by Church
(Roma — Vatican Air Magazine — March 25, 2016)
The Roman Catholic Church has banned its clergy from participating in what is called a Frequent Friar Program. The condemnation comes on the wings of a general announcement instituted by Secular Airlines and its subsidiary companies worldwide.
The invitation from Secular attempts to lure clergy and other spiritually motivated personnel into seeking not only cheaper seats but also a high road to salvation.
“The implication here is that our people can fly around like sunshine clerics and conduct themselves as God knows what and who,” said a Vatican resource, “whenever it is convenient for them to do so.”
Groups of priests and brothers from an assortment of orders had petitioned the Rome for permission to take advantage of the offer saying they could still maintain their spiritually duality without risking so much as one lost soul. They further insisted that the adoption of the program would help with missionary work and as a motivation for others to embrace the holy orders.
“This kind of frequency is not the friar type and the sound waves are bouncing off St Peter’s Basilica this morning,” said an angry Cardinal who demanded infallibility. “The money for vacations should come from the collection plate not by some discounted version of a secular get-away. If our sky pilots want to pursue everlasting life on their own time let them audition for a Sunday morning spot on salvation row with the Baptists and Evangelicals. I hear the money is good.”
– St Roscoe of Links, Earl of Doggieshire, Lord of Hemperland
Semana Santa in the Colombian Mountains
Just returned from watching a Mr. Bean film in the corner cafe. I had planned a nice sancocho* but Mario closed El Oro for Saturday night bingo. Not a lot of other options.
Semana Santa looms on Monday. All weekend Filandia paints and bangs while waiting for the invasion of day trippers and assorted gobbler throngs that dropped the money for a hotel room. The townsfolk seemed startled by the visitors, and most were just from nearby Armenia and Pereira. They all appear uncomfortable. They often stare.
These overnight revelers were the ones who were doing most of the drinking and yelling early on. The locals came later and made their own noise. I headed home at eleven to a smiles and few handshakes on the path to the door.
It is a well-known fact young Colombian waitresses in small towns are deathly afraid of grandpa gringos like me because they are afraid we won’t be able to talk.
“But señorita, there is no English spoken here. If I don’t speak Castillano how do you think I survive?”
Soon, after a little chit-chat I order in Spanish she realizes that it (I) speak the language and communication will not be a problem. Then it’s all suave.
One must realize that as a Norte Americano he is not another predator landing in this culture. You must be a friend. Smiles speak volumes. Kindness reaches out. Kennedy half dollars make excellent tips.
You should be generous. Don’t bother these people with your shit. They have plenty of their own to deal with day to day.
But it’s all so beautiful in so many ways — the forests, the weather, the palms, the hot springs, the volcanos, the green mountains, the rain, the steaming riverbanks. A powerful culture still reigns despite the intrusions of the 21st Century.
While others debate building walls and throw more religion in these tired faces, my Vietnam Vet and ex-Colorado buddy buys Christmas chickens for poor people and spends time in backwater and dangerous locales providing medicine and transportation to the far way hospitals. He quietly walks the walk. He goes about his business without fanfare, without expectation. He changes lives while most of us sit on our thumbs shaking our privileged heads at the desperation that is all around. He’d no doubt be mad at me if he know I wrote about him. More tomorrow.
* sancocho is a three-potato based soup or steak that can contain chicken or fish but most often beef.
Evolution Peaked in 1972 Says Doc
(Globe, AZ — Desert Desalinate — March 23, 2016)
Human evolution is at a frightening standstill according to vintage archeologists digging out here in the stinking desert. Conjecture suggests that the process of environmental adaptation ended in 1972 wit the onset of chronic air and water pollution and the delivery of the population bomb.
“The human body has made no noticeable/effective physical changes so as to better cope with atmospheric disasters,” said a highly touted source on life, as we know it.
“Man has fallen on his fat primitive face when it comes to solving social ills,” chimed in another scientist who begged anonymity fearing reprisals by creationists camped across the arroyo.
“The inability of religion and science to coexist when it comes to human origin is the microcosm for failure of the social order,” said the first digger. “This is a strong indication that the species is clogged up at the base.”
– Fred Zeppelin
CB-Telluride Parking Marathon Slated
(Crested Butte, CO — Park Tomorrow For Tonight — March 22, 2016)
The long awaited Crested Butte-Telluride Winter Parking Marathon is just a few days away with over 1000 contestants still trying to qualify for the final heat and the big payoff.
Already three persons are a lock here with two spots still up for grabs on the San Miguel County team.
The Marathon, donned The Park-Off by local participants, will pit the finest parallel parkers in the land in a three-day, non-stop parking competition. Here’s how she works:
Day One: Telluride drivers will be airlifted above Mt. Crested Butte where they will descend via parachute to Riverbend (just south of CB) far below. Immediately upon touch down surviving participants will scurry to their vehicles and begin looking for a place to park on Elk Avenue. Sanctioned areas include the main street as well as the first blocks of 2nd and 3rd Streets.
Simultaneously the drivers from Crested Butte will be whisked into Telluride by limo. The objective here is a duplication of the action in Gunnison County. Colorado Avenue, Fir Street and Pine are all designed as Official Parking Zones. Meters and many bothersome street people have been pulled for the event.
“While we realize that the three-day time limit could be seen as stringent but we can’t tie up traffic for more than the weekend in either locale,” said former Telluride resident Randy Sublett, “but one must remember that these are some of the best parkers in the world.”
“Our people are primed for this,” said Mark Reaman, Sublett’s counterpart in Crested Butte. “We have even replaced doors with hood ornaments for better visibility.”
The rules are simple yet confining: No saving parking spaces and no collisions with other cars. Persons who hog two spaces will be disqualified. Idling is illegal. Cutting of flatlanders is OK. Parking in bus or fire zone is OK unless one is caught.
Last year the slopes were all but empty during the Parking Marathon lending credence to beliefs that the public is ready for a more varied approach to spectator sports and that diversification could be the panacea to the fumbling ski industry.
– Fred Zeppelin
