All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Glaucoma Center Could Mean Up to 200 Jobs
(Montrose, CO — Ceviche Civilian –April 2, 2016)
A federally funded center for the treatment of glaucoma could net this town over 200 salaried positions in the near future according to a gubernatorial task force examining all avenues and back alleys here. Already the cutting edge facility, which seeks to treat the disease through defused light therapy and the introduction of small doses of marijuana, is booked up through 2025.
Prospective patients have been arriving on the spacious grounds since Thursday under the watchful eye of the police and the chamber of commerce, who gave out bags of fresh carrots while assuring the medical guests.
Glaucoma is a disease of the eyes characterized by high intraocular pressure, damaged optic disc, hardening of the eyeball and partial or complete loss of vision. It affects one in ten Americans according to the American Medico-Legal Association (AMA).
Many civic and religious groups have softened stances on the use of marijuana within the city especially considering the massive payroll boon.
On the national and international stages a host of industrialized countries have begun tearing down skyscrapers so as to make room for urban hemp gardens.
Hinsdale County Bans Cruise Control
(Lake City — Slumgullion Stew — April 1, 2016)
Drivers within the confines of Hinsdale County must refrain from employing cruise control when operating their vehicles according to a quart decision here. County commissioners, alarmed at the incompetent driving this winter, are outlawing procedures that “contribute to mindlessness and poor attentiveness on roads, slick or otherwise”.
The decision was precipitated when one part-time resident ran his pickup into a local tavern, frightening the patrons and destroying an abandoned planter precariously perched on the porch. He was reportedly going 45 miles per hour with the dial set on cruise control.
“There is no need to allow motorists to employ this kind of convenience function in a town where the speed limit is 25,” said one commissioner known to secretly support a return to horse-only travel in town.
Fortunately none of the customers in the noted bar were paying attention to this news story and therefore escaped unscathed. Lake City already has the strictest horn ordinance in the state.
– Uncle Pahgre
“Utah ain’t so bad just so long as you are near the ocean.”
– Earl Macadoo
IRS Never Sold Willie’s First Pigtail
(Cahone, CO — March 31 , 2016)
The Internal Revenue Service announced today that it has Willie Nelson’s ponytail in a secret bank vault. The disclosure, putting to rest rumors that the taxing agency had sold he singer’s hair along with his assets in 1990, ends a lengthy legacy of court battles and seizures all in the name of drug enforcement.
Willie Nelson forfeited property and paid fines due to tax evasion and marijuana abuse in the 70s and 80s in Jefferson County. In addition the IRS liquidated a country club in Texas and a recording studio in Summit County. It was surmised that the IRS had sold the pigtail to the highest bidder.
“They got $7500 for Clark Gabel’s pompadour and that was back in the good ol’ days when $100 meant something,” said a spokesman for Nelson.
“Willie owed Uncle Sam about 16 million and we figured the ponytail was fiscally irrelevant.”
Nelson has reportedly grown another pigtail, purchased another ranch, another country club and is now cultivating grass legally on the sunny slopes of the Centennial State.
– Marlena Marvelous
Spring Special: Any shoe in our bins 25 cents! Second shoe $50. Orf’s One-of-a-Kind Shoes. Pea Green.
Las personas que viven en caminos de tierra más felices
(Djibouti, UPS – Marzo 30, 2016)
Las personas que residen en caminos de tierra son generalmente bien ajustados y dotados de una gran habilidad para hacer frente a la vida, en comparación con sus compañeros que habitan en el asfalto. Según un amplio estudio de los datos se extiende de manera uniforme cuando se aplica a grupos tan aparentemente distintos como de Colorado y de las personas que viven en lo que se conoce con rudeza y rutinariamente como el Tercer Mundo occidentales.
La investigación inicial, realizada por una clase 101 Psicología de la Universidad Estatal Occidental, se ha introducido como evidencia de que lo que parece ser el progreso no siempre es beneficioso para el hombre. Las pruebas de seguimiento no pudieron determinar de forma concluyente si el estado proverbial de felicidad, a menudo presente en las vidas de camino de tierra popular, se debe a las partículas de polvo o un nivel bajo de estrés.
Desde febrero los estudiantes han entrevistado a más de 1.000 residentes de Gunnison a Norwood. En la actualidad están acampados frente a la oficina de correos Redvale, reconoció puerta de entrada al tramo más largo del mundo de carretera sin pavimentar que suena el planeta justo al norte del paralelo 38, se cruza con la Ruta de la Seda, escalas de la cordillera del Himalaya y los vientos que camino de regreso a la Wright Fellowship Church estacionamiento justo al oeste de Pavimentación y Pequeño Reparación de motor de la ya desaparecida de Bob.
– Dama de los Andes
Inventor of Winter Parking Laws Found Shot
(Crested Butte — Bullet-Proof Times — March 29, 2016)
The long recognized Father of Towing and alleged inventor of winter parking laws was found dead aboard his gaudy schooner near Peanut Lake this morning. Leslie Curbe was pronounced celestially detained after four large caliber shells were located in the front of his flabby forehead.
Suicide has been ruled out and police are questioning anyone who has ever received a parking ticket in the town. Challenging parking signs have been repeatedly blamed for the disenchantment of motorists but the warning has gone unheeded for decades.
Only three months ago Curbe was found facedown in an Almont back alley, the apparent victim of an attack with a tire iron. Two days later a large Eastern European woman came forward and took credit for the violence. Curbe survived the ordeal despite below-zero weather and the ruthless gnawing by neighborhood hounds.
Meanwhile his house, occupied by carnivores looking for the local butcher shop that closed in 1979, was condemned by the bored of zoning so as to build a private parking lot. It was then that he took to the sea lanes, moving into the paltry schooner named “Hey Boudreaux” by a notoriously tight-lipped limo driver in the employ of former President Jimmy Carter.
– Marcia Marvelous
GAELTACHT
Driving left of logic
on that mean, misty roundabout
leftover pubs of our roots
four-corpse fried full breakfast to boot
no way to cheat the grave.
It’s one regular Celt cult over here
splashed Eire green, beaches of pebbled priorities
milk skin, freckles and blue eyes.
Ages of breaths held, taken
then released along the boreen.
Blood relatives rolling chimes off lips
famine ships a plenty
brandished by the paths of armies
and mythologies dispatched
by vigilant moss, cutting sea breezes.
Harbor in tears, crashing waves
judged too soon by Cranberry Druids
Risings gone down to deceit.
Land of emigrant departures
Fenian convicts on the Celtic Sea.
James Connolly murdered, May 12th, 1916
said Rosie Hackett
“Changed, changed utterly –
The Terrible Beauty”
The Brotherhood, The Volunteers.
Endless red cavalry stopped
in its tracks by angry fir
with only 1798 pikes against artillery
potato stars and mad mornings.
Easter Monday coming down.
And the lough came into the sitting room
for scones and afternoon tea.
Boatloads of vanquished Blasket Islanders
victims of a fishless ocean
drift toward the rocky An Daingean
Refugees from Europe’s most westerly isles
on to the pretty lanes of Ballyferiter
Paddy’s last name is O’Flaherty
It’s been spoken for time
on the salty, sea lips of liberty.
His whiskey pot still
his days a crisp parity.
Proud angry gods demand their revenge
Kilts and pipes and the rifles of Banna Strand
The blood of Connelly, Padriac and Casement.
The soul of Yeats festering for 800 years…
Brave men hanging dead in London and Kilmainham.
England, you cruel hearted monster
you seek a peasant multitude
but none came forth
but a tri-colored ribbon emerged
cutting your sammy code of colonization
Out west here in the rocks
where they still speak it,
in out of the rain
telling the tale to their children
in careful ancient words.
– Kevin Haley
– Centennial Commemoration of the Easter Rising, 1916
