All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Bus Politicians Says Noise
(Washington DC — Chamber Pot Calling — March 20, 2016)
A controversial bill before the House of Reprehensions could result in many legislators hitting the road. Bill 2016, sponsored by brothers Oral (Fizzy Party-CO) and Rectal noise (Unitarian-CA) calls for drastic house cleaning, including forced bussing of lawmakers and strict adherence to the weekly budgets imposed by a cross-section of single mothers.
“Everyone agrees that bussing was a ridiculous attempt at disparity that ignored the human factor,” said one Noise brother. Chiming in, Rectal agreed saying that over 35 senators and congressmen still on the job were the mindless architects of the plan to relocate students by bussing them all over hell.
If passed, the bill would require all members of Congress to travel at least 5000 miles per year outside the Millionaire’s Boys Club into harsh urban and rural realities of America. To facilitate smooth movement the congressmen would be bussed into poor neighborhoods and housed in federal projects. In addition they would be required to survive on the budget of a single mother living within these confines.
Following the development more congressmen would be bussed to middle class neighborhoods and be forced to live on the budget of these tragic, working poor.
“We hope that the exposure to real Americans and their daily struggles might allow our leaders to stop all the juvenile campaigning and cultivate some compassion.
Opponents of the bill threatened to filibuster until concessions are made. Most favor a watered down plan to limit forays into crime infested regions and pockets of poverty.
“We hate to see that kind of thing, especially before lunch,” stressed one fat, wrinkled incumbent.
– Zorro DesPlants
Nacional Payaso Retiro Desestimación
(Foggy Bottom – Comentario Red Nose – marzo 2016)
La 15a Convención Anual de América del payaso se le prohibió reunirse dentro de los límites del Distrito de Columbia última noche. Citando un “elemento interrumpe seriamente el caos y la anarquía”, que preside el juez Emmet “Blinky” Kelley dictaminó que los payasos y su entorno deben salir de la ciudad en 24 horas de arresto cara.
Un portavoz de los payasos, dijo culpó a las décadas de los chanchullos políticos que han dejado el electorado y los poderes civiles con un mal sabor en la boca colectivos.
“Estos candidatos presidenciales y pretendientes intentaron descaradamente para competir con nosotros por la atención de la opinión pública estadounidense idiotizada”, dijo un payaso radical, su pintura de grasa que gotea por sus mejillas. “Estaremos de vuelta. Esta ciudad tiene más payasos per cápita que cualquier parte del planeta y queremos ser parte de la acción “.
Los payasos se cargaron en autobuses esta mañana y conducidos a puntos en Maryland y Virginia, donde serán alentados a mezclarse con la ciudadanía local. – Gabby Haze
If Cowboy Poets Wrote Nursery Rhymes
In case you haven’t been paying attention, (or even if you have)…it’s March. A time for reflection, a time to slow down and take count of the past and future, a time to freeze your arses. Initially this column was supposed to focus on the infant Presidential campaign with its blabbering, colic and loaded diapers but after a few minutes of scrutinizing we, (the winter soldiers of the media) decided that our readers would be better off with something more educational.
We wondered that if the classic children’s nursery rhymes had been penned by long rider poets in pointy boots and cowboy hats the subjects might have leaned more toward the pasture posture. Here are a few gems found while pecking around in the bunkhouse.
Little Miss Prattle…
sat in the saddle
checking her spurs and bay,
when along came a rider
saying circle much wider
or you’ll chase all the mavericks away.
***
Mary had a can of chew…
its leaves were black as coal
and everywhere that Mary went
she brung that tin of skoal.
It followed her to school one day
which was agin’ the rule,
and all the children took a pinch
then sat and played it cool.
***
Tenderfoot Aspire…
sat by the camp fire
eating his biscuits and bacon
With his new cowboy clothes
he struck up quite a pose
and cried: Buckaroos, “I’m just fakin’.”
***
Sing a song of six-guns…
belly full o’ hoots,
four and twenty tinhorns
shakin’ in their boots.
When the smoke had cleared up
I heard the gunman wail
“Wasn’t that a clever way
to spend the night in jail.”
***
Hickory, dickory, dense…
the cows got out the fence
Which lazy wrangling dunce
is liable for these stunts?
Hickory, dickory, dense
***
If all the work was round-ups…
and all the girls wore mink
And all our mounts ate tater chips
what would there be to drink?
***
Hark, hark…
it’s gettin’ dark
The chuckwagon’s gone lame.
Our dinner’s late
but leave a plate
for breakfast – much the same.
Bye Bye Buckaroos. Sweet dreams.
– Earl MacAdoo
Front Range Communities Blown to Kansas
(Windy Point — Aurora Borealis — March 14, 2016)
Due to incredibly high winds and a staggering arctic front most of Arapaho County is now in Kansas. Gone are the suburbs, the lawns, and the water-sucking golf corpses that have defined much of the affluent neighborhoods. Gone are the temples to progress, the pollution, the crime, the gangs, the litter and the noise common to the poorer sections.
The Manifest Destiny of thirsty populations is now little more than clumps of windblown sagebrush and a host of hardy rocks…just like before the white folks moved in.
Sources in Western Kansas are none too pleased with a surging refugee population on what once were empty wheat fields. Most express frustration as to what action should be taken in this natural disaster. The only known precedent occurred in the Thirties when a merciless Dust Bowl wind drove Oklahoma to Bakersfield and Fresno, California. Soon after that Merle Haggard was born.
