All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Postcard Surcharges Anger Visitors
Crested Butte, CO Money Talks, Nobody Walks April 8, 2016
A five-cent surcharge imposed on postal cards by the state of Colorado has irritated tourists here but doesn’t appear to be going away. The gov’ment hopes to raise funds to repair crumbling infrastructure and build employee housing.
Postcards mailed out of state will require an official Colorado Exit Stamp or end up in the dead letter file in the capital.
“Most people trust the mail and would never guess their glossy messages might not reach their destinations,” said a proponent of the charges. “We are still waiting for federal response to this and hope for national support.
“Everyone is trying to screw everyone else in the market place,” he continued.
“We’re just jumping on board. Next year we expect to tap in to the lucrative Tweet population or maybe even raise barking fees on Elk Avenue.
– Marlena Marvelou
PELO DE PERRO EVITA LA PUBLICACIÓN
(Manana, CO – Mirando hacia atrás a 1985 – 7 de abril, 2016
Una abundancia repentina y alarmante de pelo de perro se ha culpado por la ausencia de la popular San Juan de herradura de las noticias bastidores proletariado mes pasado.
El pelo canino, con un peso de poco menos de 112 libras, se dice que ha obstruido todo, desde máquinas de escribir a sacapuntas a las impresoras de fax. Las hebras de mamíferos, incluso invadieron el cuadro de clip de papel (el alma de este y cualquier otro newssheet que se precie.).
Comparando el desastre de mohair en uno de los editores de martini prometió que algún día pronto el papel sería en línea y ya no está sujeto a la tinta, el agua, máquinas de impresión cascarrabias y sí, por el pelo. Mientras tanto, en los filtros de cuarto oscuro se rompió en el caos dejando pies de pelo de perro en un área construida de pulgadas. La situación en el sala de composición era mucho peor.
Al principio el editor prohibió todos los perros de las oficinas de prensa de los días sólo para darse cuenta que si los empleados no podían llevar a sus perros al trabajo que les salga.
“Entonces yo estaría poniendo el tema por mí mismo”, dijo Belle Toole, Bajo Editor.
De acuerdo con una nota de fecha los únicos animales permitidos en las oficinas editoriales son ranas, marmotas de piel lisa, tortugas, peces tropicales y ovejas en miniatura.
“Este es el enfoque tradicional de la intrusión”, dijo Toole.
Mientras tanto, el sindicato de empleados está considerando opciones y la mayoría de los trabajadores están manteniendo a sí mismos calcetines ocupados perro tejer del pelo para los anunciantes.
– Alfalfa Romero
Local Map Maker Realigns Planet
(Ridgway, CO Fun With Geography April 6, 2016)
Little Elkview Wannamaker has succeeded in changing the world, at least on paper. The spunky 2-year-old, a prodigy cartographer, decided that for fun he would connect South America and China by an extended land mass borrowed from Canada and running through the Tropic of Cancer.
When he had finished placing every tiny Pacific island in place even Amerigo Vespucci wouldn’t have recognize the place.
According to the Society For the Preservation of Superstitions and the Brotherhood of Physical Geographers this exercise proves that the world is flat.
“This is complete nonsense,” said a spokesman for the latter organization. “Some little kid with a crayon cannot change the position of countries, much less entire continents.”
Meanwhile trade is brisk with Colombia and Peru benefitting from the wide-open coffee market in China, while former ports, Shanghai and Hong Kong saw record exports of manufactured goods to South America.
“What had to be shipped across an ocean can now be delivered right to the door of the consumer,” said Zxing Taosace, of Communist China’s Capitalist Yangtze Press.
“The money saved on these transactions will be used to build a footbridge across segments unsafe for negotiation.”
Chain store addicts in the United States are angry that they have been left out of the lucrative shopping opportunities but many could not locate the continents involved on their cell phones.
– H.L. Menocken
US, Russian Astronauts Will Visit Mars in Spring
Moscow — Economy Seats Chronicle — April 5, 2016
In a first ever joint space venture American and Russian space travelers will lift off and land on the planet Mars in May. After a host of setbacks and cancellations the five-man two-woman crew hopes to enjoy a lighter-than-air breakfast on the Moon and then dinner on the Red Planet, some three months later.
The ship, built in Prague is a Soviet-era 122-F Nostrovic Front-Wheel Drive, Nuclear Shuttle. Pilot and Olympic rowing standout, Gustavo “Gus” Gustafessen described the craft as less than cosmos-worthy.
“I’m patient and tolerant but with one bathroom on board we’re headed for trouble,” he warned. “There’s no place in this gizmo to sit down and no windows ! And I’m the one stuck with the driving.”
Yuri Usonovitch, a Russian logistics officer said he was looking forward to spending time “in the wide open spaces of Mars.
In actuality astronauts hope to hook up with another team that attempted to land on Mars last year. Although everyone made it safely to the surface there has been little word from the crews. Insiders suggest that the visitors have acclimated and are enjoying the pace and pause of another world.
Others say the first group never made it to Mars at all, penetrating the Universe by 31,000,000 light years. A muffled radio contact referred to a wrong turn at Martian moons, Deimos and another to the north of Phobos. Then silence.
Aerial photos snapped on the beach near the Noonday Gulf reveal what appears to be a large metallic object surrounded by campfires.
“It looks like a regular RV campground,” said Gusafessen. “You can almost smell the catfish cooking through the carbon dioxide atmosphere.”
The ship is expected dock at Mars and then return to Earth sometime before baseball season.
– Duck Rodgers
“There are far too many Nathan Meekers stomping around plowing up Ute race tracks, dynamiting hot springs and trying to force us to conform to their frightened and silly beliefs.”
– Blanco in “Fish Out of Water”
Jawbone May Be 500,000 Years Old
(Dallas TX — Skeletons and Heirlooms — April 4, 2016)
A dusty jawbone found in an n abandoned gravel pit may yield untold secrets about who we once might have been according to noted bone experts. It is reportedly one of the best-preserved artifacts to surface since the Great Pyramids were unearthed.
The lower jawbone is believed to belong to a rare Stegomastodon who was no spring chicken when she expired, said archeologists at North Texas State at Denton.
“We know the beast was a resident here since her jaw was locked in the y’all mode, a definitive and familiar status,” said Dizzy Dalhart, Professor of Body Chemistry at the same university. “She was also a female.”
“When we chipped away centuries of makeup we found a slight chin and an attractive face and jaw. This reaffirms to me the protective attributes of a little blush and lip toner.
– Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole
People Who Live on Dirt Roads Happier
Rio Sucio, Colombia Limpia Days April 3, 2016
Persons who reside on dirt roads are generally well adjusted and endowed with a keen ability to deal with life when compared with their fellows who dwell on asphalt.
According to an extensive study the data spreads evenly when applied to groups as seemingly distinct as Western Coloradoans and persons living in what is rudely and routinely referred to as the Third World.
The initial research, conducted by a Psychology 101 class at Western State University, has been entered as evidence that what looks like progress is not always beneficial to man. Follow-up tests could not conclusively determine if the proverbial state of bliss, often present in the lives of dirt road folk, is due to dust particles or a low-stress level.
Since February students have interviewed over 1000 residents from Gunnison to Norwood. At present they are bivouacked in front of the Redvale Post Office, acknowledged gateway to the world’s longest stretch of unpaved highway which rings the planet just north of the 38th Parallel, intersects the Silk Road, scales the Himalayas and winds it way back into the Wright Fellowship Church parking lot just west of the now defunct Bob’s Paving and Small Engine Repair.
– Mario Swervo
