Hinsdale County Bans Cruise Control

(Lake City — Slumgullion Stew — April 1, 2016)

Drivers within the confines of Hinsdale County must refrain from employing cruise control when operating their vehicles according to a quart decision here. County commissioners, alarmed at the incompetent driving this winter, are outlawing procedures that “contribute to mindlessness and poor attentiveness on roads, slick or otherwise”.

The decision was precipitated when one part-time resident ran his pickup into a local tavern, frightening the patrons and destroying an abandoned planter precariously perched on the porch. He was reportedly going 45 miles per hour with the dial set on cruise control.

“There is no need to allow motorists to employ this kind of convenience function in a town where the speed limit is 25,” said one commissioner known to secretly support a return to horse-only travel in town.

Fortunately none of the customers in the noted bar were paying attention to this news story and therefore escaped unscathed. Lake City already has the strictest horn ordinance in the state.

– Uncle Pahgre

“Utah ain’t so bad just so long as you are near the ocean.”

– Earl Macadoo