Inventor of Winter Parking Laws Found Shot

(Crested Butte — Bullet-Proof Times — March 29, 2016)

The long recognized Father of Towing and alleged inventor of winter parking laws was found dead aboard his gaudy schooner near Peanut Lake this morning. Leslie Curbe was pronounced celestially detained after four large caliber shells were located in the front of his flabby forehead.

Suicide has been ruled out and police are questioning anyone who has ever received a parking ticket in the town. Challenging parking signs have been repeatedly blamed for the disenchantment of motorists but the warning has gone unheeded for decades.

Only three months ago Curbe was found facedown in an Almont back alley, the apparent victim of an attack with a tire iron. Two days later a large Eastern European woman came forward and took credit for the violence. Curbe survived the ordeal despite below-zero weather and the ruthless gnawing by neighborhood hounds.

Meanwhile his house, occupied by carnivores looking for the local butcher shop that closed in 1979, was condemned by the bored of zoning so as to build a private parking lot. It was then that he took to the sea lanes, moving into the paltry schooner named “Hey Boudreaux” by a notoriously tight-lipped limo driver in the employ of former President Jimmy Carter.

– Marcia Marvelous