All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
Fundraisers Report Theft
(Western Colorado Report – February 10, 2015) Supervisors of emergency disaster assistance for the Mañana Economic Development League say they cannot account for tens of hundreds of dollars from recycled T-shirt sales and recording endeavors. The items were sold to benefit the destitute cultural and intellectual famine victims in the Western Slope town.
It is estimated that over 95% of the residents here suffer from these related maladies. Many suspect “unscrupulous promoters and shady storefront managers” may be skimming profits by manufacturing and selling counterfeit items and hiding the money in off-mesa bank accounts.
Many of these unfortunates still believe the campaign promises made during the recent election.
“The disappearance of valid cultural norms within a population that was once starved for learning is the beginning of the end for our nation,” said Everett Jefferson. “Americans tend to embrace fear-based information without bothering to check media sources, which are diminishing as corporations gobble up radio stations, TV stations and newspapers,” he spat.
According to relief volunteers the missing funds could amount to forty or even fifty dollars which is often enough money to rescue the victims of cueing and other propaganda-based dialogue, before they enter the voting booth.
Obama Stuntman Recognized by White House
(Foggy Bottom Bulletin — Washington – February 10, 2015) The unmasking of yet another Obama Stuntman, impeccably disguised as the President, is sure to send a message to detractors critical of White House foreign policy in the region. The stuntman was arrested in Lima, Peru while giving a press conference and balancing a tub of ceviche on his nose.
White House stunt-persons are believed to be operating in every country of the world and in Grand Junction, according to an official press secretary or her stuntwoman.
“The President can’t be everywhere at once. Only God and the Supreme Court can manage that feat,” she capitulated.
In addition to filling in for the Chief Executive, many stuntmen ghostwrite speeches for Vice President Joe Biden and John Kerry. Sadly, the themes have focused solely on prescribed military personal hygiene and were not deemed appropriate for anyone over 12.
The stuntmen and women in Congress did not fully respond in any meaningful manner since they are all on vacation/campaigning. The stunt personnel left behind in their seats to run the government were considering action of stunt lobbyists and their acceptability in or near the nation’s capital.
A strong contingent of former Presidential wooden bobble-heads is expected at the White House to confer with the President or his stuntman tomorrow or the next day.
Gunnison Man Building Mint
(Baldwin Star-Herald – February 10, 2015)) As the sun comes up over another spectacular, albeit chilly morning, Abner Silt can be found hammering shingles, laying carpet and securing his 300-year-old Galician safe adjacent to the old mill here.
These are the finishing touches on a yearlong project aimed at relieving the complexities of slow earning months that ravage the local economy.
“We have all waited long enough for the federals to rescue rural America by building ample infrastructure and creating jobs,” said Silt. “I have been unemployed since 2006 and I’m running short on canned goods.”
Silt’s mint has so far been ignored by the U.S. Treasury Department, an agency responsible for collecting taxes and issuing currency.
Irresponsible money management in such locales as Libya and Syria has dictated a severe run on nickels and dimes, leaving the dollar out to dry. Now the Internal Revenue Service is set to send military advisors to help implement the enforcement of income tax compliance in countries where the annual income is less than a plumber makes on a Sunday call.
“Have at it, I say,” said a defiant Silt. “Let them intervene over there. We always seem to do fine when they are over there and not here.”
The new mint will specialize in quarters and fifty-cent pieces with Silt ‘s face featured on one side and a bugling elk on the other. The strategy is to avoid printing bills over $20 so as not to tip off federal banking inspectors that have been pleasantly scarce around here since the bulk of the gold mines closed in the 70s.
“We prefer to stay small and slide through the cracks,” explained Silt. “The average Congressman spends more money on lunch that we see pass through Baldwin all winter long. It’s not that we’re bitter. It’s more like we are sick and tired of rhetoric and promises from a bunch of inattentive scalawags, born rich and riding on the greed train.”
Dubbed the Silt Mint, the money factory will begin production by the end of the month and reportedly is set to employ an estimated 600 persons in the Gunnison Valley. All currency will be guaranteed by the International Alfalfa Standard, which is a step up from the dollars to donuts criterion currently glossed over in Washington. As a failsafe, Silt’s cash is backed by the Rocky Mountain Firewood Reserve Act along with the Elk in the Freezer Edict, adopted way back in 1935.
Whether or not the US dollar will continue to be accepted in transactions here is a good question at the time of this writing. An exchange rate has yet to materialize and shopkeepers are uncertain as to the benefits of giving change in the new legal tender.
If Silt and his supporters are correct in their assessment, tourists will flock to Western Colorado to purchase the new money as keepsake or trinket to take home. In the face of shortages Silt will not print money to prop up the brain-disadvantaged fallacy that everything is kosher if one has some folding money in his pocket.
Play money for locals and souvenirs for tourists…Sound crazy? Kind of like talking about a balanced budget by 2015, heh?
A majority of Gunnison County residents polled are observing the development with guarded enthusiasm. Local banks did not return our phone calls regarding the breakthrough. – Kashmir Horseshoe
Useful Real Estate Terms
(Blair Street – Front Porch Tattler – Eureka, CO – February 10, 2015) Acknowledged socialite, Roberta “Rickey” Rifebottom, executive director/researcher for the Western Slope Yard of the Month Club has compiled a glossary of real estate terms that she says will assist potential homebuyers in finding the right property or accommodation.
Noting that “different terms have different meanings in different parts of the country” Rifebottom suggests that it is advisable to familiarize oneself with the language before setting off to deal with the often-cynical natives.
The following is a sample of some leading definitions that might serve as a primer for Western Colorado buyers. A complete pamphlet is due out in November.
Secluded: Your only neighbors are people deemed unfit to live in any one of the neighboring communities.
Rustic: The rural electric association was never notified that a house was built on the property.
Winterized: Six feet of wet snow on the roof in June and two gallons of anti-freeze in the toilet tank come January.
Close to schools: Teachers, custodians and 16-year-old ninth-graders park in your driveway during the day while football and basketball fans park in your yard at night.
Ranch setting: Forty-year-old rusty barbwire surrounds the property to keep out the neighbor’s animals.
Underground utilities: Swimming pools, gardens and sandboxes without footers are prohibited.
Owner financing: Local banks are out of cash.
Southern exposure: The neighbors are descendants of Confederate Army officers. – Ernie Rigarde
Russia To Foreclose on Alaska
(Juneau What News Service — February 10, 2015) Sturgeon Realty, the Russian land agency that coordinated the sale of Alaska to the United States in 1867, has filed a lien against the property insisting the United States terminated payments during the Cold War and still owes $235,229.06 against the original selling price of $7.2 million.
Foreclosure proceedings are expected to get underway despite explicit assurances by the U.S. State Department that all their “ducks are in a row on this matter”.
“Putin is simply trying to distract the world from his manipulation of the Ukraine crisis,” said a former governor of Alaska who quit her post mid-term in order to pursue more lucrative options in the barely-literary world and on television. “It’s all Obama’s fault.”
Others in the Democrat aisle defended the President. They contend that Alaska was never the property of Czarist Russia and that the Bolsheviks were simply squatters with no legal right to the place.
The infamous sale of the immense land mass came as a direct result of Russia’s failures in the Crimean War. Most Americans were against the purchase of Seward’s Icebox. U.S. officials, associated with the transfer, had remarked that the Russians were lax when it came to details of the sale, wanting only to cash the check and get on with its own brand of serf and turf served with a side of ice.
But now CPAs inside the Kremlin say they have uncovered evidence that after a substantial down payment the U.S. discontinued payments.
“During the Land Lease Program in 1942-1945 we never saw a red cent on the Alaska bill,” said Yuri McTrotsky, a former Hibernian hurling coach turned accountant when his knees went bad. “I guess the Yanquis thought we’d forget or forgive the bill in light of the billions in aid pouring into what was then the Soviet state.
That said the Russians have sent a delegation to Washington to insist that the United States bring its payments up to date or relinquish all claims to the region. Insiders say that the collapse of the former Soviet Union and a half-hearted embrace of capitalism has ushered fiscal matters like this one into the forefront.
“When they were stinking commies they were a lot less concerned with the bottom line,” said an Anchorage fisherman who echoed a strong and growing sentiment that Alaskans did not want to be a part of either country.
Arrogant politicians in Washington appear to have been caught with their pants down again, but this time it did not involve a Bible-beating adulterer in the Senate or coke buying evangelical Representative, hiding in the shadows of a blindfolded Lady Justice.
Meanwhile one French diplomat suggested that the U.S. simply rent Alaska on a lease-option basis until a workable solution is reached or the funds generated. Although nothing binding was discussed, the diplomat assured the Horseshoe that the Russians would certainly want first and last months rent and a healthy damage deposit before any arrangement could be
corroborated. – Susie Compost
Mr. Clean Burglar Evades Police
(Ouray, Colorado – February 10, 2015) A compulsive second-story man, dubbed Mr. Clean buy local police, is still at large after three more break-ins were reported over the weekend. Authorities believe that over 100 intrusions and thefts since November can be attributed to this slick and resilient crook who leaves his personal calling card in cleanser, mops and soap suds.
In one particularly peculiar heist Mr. Clean (or Senor Limpia for our Latino readers) lifted two televisions, a boom box, a stuffed rifle case, a camera, a small doggie bed, three hand towels, a can of tuna and a crushed velour Elvis wall hanging. Then, after apparently loading the items in his step-van, he returned to the scene of the crime to do the dirty dishes in the sink, vacuum the living room, wash the kitchen windows and leave a note to remind the inhabitants to take out the trash.
“At least he or she is neat,” said one patrolman after viewing a home invasion. “It would be to no one’s advantage if the intruder ransacked the place or punches holes in the walls and ceiling when he was finished. In all my years with the department I have never seen a crook with such motivation, such sense of hygiene. Why the thief even cleans under the refrigerator. Nobody does that.”
Police have linked Mr. Clean to the robberies after linking discarded Brillo pads, sponges and other cleaning apparatus to the intrusions.
“It’s almost like he wants us to catch him and tell him what a nice job he did on the linoleum or the woodwork,” continued the officer. “He would probably welcome the white glove test after each visit.”
At present police are keeping a close watch on grocery stories in the area, hoping to spot suspicious janitorial purchases. Attempts to lure Mr. Clean into a trap at the Marinated Arms Trailer Park failed yesterday as the clever crook outwitted the cops and walked off with a bathroom ensemble and two tiffany lamps worth an estimated $1200 on the burgeoning black market.
“We knew right away that our “old buddy” had been on the premises,” winked the officer. “The dishes were still wet in the rack, the litter box had been emptied and the smell of lavender air freshener was everywhere.”
It has been suggested that all residents of the tri-county area add a dead-bolt lock in entryways. The lock, exterior lighting and an alarm system might be a deterrent to crime.
“We also encourage all residents at risk to keep their houses clean,” said the policeman. – Marcia Marvelous
