Russia To Foreclose on Alaska

(Juneau What News Service  —  February 10, 2015) Sturgeon Realty, the Russian land agency that coordinated the sale of Alaska to the United States in 1867, has filed a lien against the property insisting the United States terminated payments during the Cold War and still owes $235,229.06 against the original selling price of $7.2 million.
Foreclosure proceedings are expected to get underway despite explicit assurances by the U.S. State Department that all their “ducks are in a row on this matter”.
“Putin is simply trying to distract the world from his manipulation of the Ukraine crisis,” said a former governor of Alaska who quit her post mid-term in order to pursue more lucrative options in the barely-literary world and on television. “It’s all Obama’s fault.”
Others in the Democrat aisle defended the President. They contend that Alaska was never the property of Czarist Russia and that the Bolsheviks were simply squatters with no legal right to the place.
The infamous sale of the immense land mass came as a direct result of Russia’s failures in the Crimean War. Most Americans were against the purchase of Seward’s Icebox. U.S. officials, associated with the transfer, had remarked that the Russians were lax when it came to details of the sale, wanting only to cash the check and get on with its own brand of serf and turf served with a side of ice.
But now CPAs inside the Kremlin say they have uncovered evidence that after a substantial down payment the U.S. discontinued payments.
“During the Land Lease Program in 1942-1945 we never saw a red cent on the Alaska bill,” said Yuri McTrotsky, a former Hibernian hurling coach turned accountant when his knees went bad. “I guess the Yanquis thought we’d forget or forgive the bill in light of the billions in aid pouring into what was then the Soviet state.
That said the Russians have sent a delegation to Washington to insist that the United States bring its payments up to date or relinquish all claims to the region. Insiders say that the collapse of the former Soviet Union and a half-hearted embrace of capitalism has ushered fiscal matters like this one into the forefront.
“When they were stinking commies they were a lot less concerned with the bottom line,” said an Anchorage fisherman who echoed a strong and growing sentiment that Alaskans did not want to be a part of either country.
Arrogant politicians in Washington appear to have been caught with their pants down again, but this time it did not involve a Bible-beating adulterer in the Senate or coke buying evangelical Representative, hiding in the shadows of a blindfolded Lady Justice.
Meanwhile one French diplomat suggested that the U.S. simply rent Alaska on a lease-option basis until a workable solution is reached or the funds generated. Although nothing binding was discussed, the diplomat assured the Horseshoe that the Russians would certainly want first and last months rent and a healthy damage deposit before any arrangement could be
corroborated. – Susie Compost