All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
BORDER PATROL SEIZES MARIJUANA ICE CREAM
La Frontera del Dia — September 24, 2015
(Aqua Prieta) The United States Border Patrol has reportedly confiscated some 10 tons of marijuana ice cream in an abandoned panel truck here. The contraband, which had melted down to thick syrup by the time of the seizure, carried a street value estimated at some 2.7 million dollars.
“This is the first time we’ve seen the evil weed in this form,” said one officer, “but we’re not all that surprised since the innovative and the flamboyant smugglers alike are swamped this time of the year.”
The ice cream, stored in small Styrofoam coolers had been packed with dry ice and appeared ready for the long journey north. It was not apparent when the cargo was deserted or if the culprits involved in the illegal transport would be back to rescue their investment.
“Despite all the hoopla about cooperative drug enforcement that one reads in the papers, the Mexican police generally look away as the weather gets hot,” continued the officer. “They prefer to engage in other less taxing law enforcement practices such as shake-downs and car insurance scams, which are far more lucrative.”
The ice cream appears to have been a mixture of Neapolitan and spumoni which has led authorities to believe that organized crime is involved. Several other forbidden fruits or desert desserts were recovered along with the soupy pot. Included were some 15 pounds of chocolate covered hash-laced Colorado Rockies figurines and a six-pack of Coca Cola dated 1923. These items too were deemed inedible due to the exposure to extreme heat in the Sonoran Desert. Despite that sad status all the items mysteriously disappeared moments after the story hit the papers.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
GAY SMOKERS THREATEN SUIT
(Telluride) In a town where frivolous law suits by transients and household pets are not a particularly uncommon occurrence, gay residents have again claimed discrimination. This time the imbroglio centers around smoking ordinances which local gays say are biased.
“All we want are the same rights afforded to anyone else,” said one spokesman for the offended. “We want to smoke where we want to smoke when we want to smoke. We’re not trying to push our lifestyle on anyone else. We just like to light up. The law is killing our right to be free, to be impulsive!”
Proponents of the new town legislation say that there are plenty of places where residents can smoke and that restaurants should remain smoke free. They say the law treats everyone equally and has no bias due to race, gender, creed or sexual orientation.
A preliminary hearing is scheduled for February of 2016.
Yogi Berra Passes
It ain’t over till it’s over. Yogi Berra, one of the finest catchers ever to play the game died today at 90. His incredible twisting of the English language lives on…
Still Green Up High For Now
Heavy undergrowth on the Hayden Trail near Ouray September 23, 2015
Tarzan, Cheetah Arrested at Old Growth Sit-In
(Grand Mesa Gazette and Advertiser – September 22, 2015)
The recognized “King of the Apes” and his monkey sidekick spent the night in Delta County Jail after an altercation with security forces near Lost Lake, the site of contested lumber activity.
The confrontation occurred as a group of “militant tree huggers” attempted to divert heavy equipment destined for the cutting ground.
In a prepared statement a tearful Tarzan remained defiant.
“Hey, Cheetah and I have a vested interest in trees. We’ve lived in the jungle forever without lumber companies upsetting the fragile eco-system. Monitored harvesting of local lumber is one thing while air pollution and propaganda is something else altogether.”
Tarzan has threatened to “call out the elephants” if the situation does not improve by the weekend.
“It’s these kinds of threats that got these whackos thrown in the slammer in the first place,” said one county enforcer, “that and the skimpy loincloth.
“These malcontents must learn to follow the rules here and petition the courts in a proper manner,” said the source. “Money talks – Nobody walks,” he smiled.
The two celebrities are currently incarcerated at a halfway house for primates and political prisoners at a secret location between Cummings Gulch and Peach Valley. – Manco Copac
Sheep Bites Should Not Be Ignored
(Ridin’ Round the Range – September 21, 2015)
A motherly ewe savagely attacked a friend of mine last Saturday night. The angry, ruminant animal bit him on the neck and hand before attempting to drag him off into the bush for dark atrocities we can only imagine. Fortunately the local women’s lacrosse team happened by and drove off the vicious wooly with a telephone pole, some discarded fireworks and a giant-size Dr. Pepper.
Some of you out there are saying, “Earl, don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” Ha! Tinhorns think of sheep as docile, grazing animals that are afraid of little dogs and their own shadows. This is far from the case. A mature ewe protecting its young or a ram out on a bender, when even slightly provoked, will take on anything from a coyote to a Chevy pickup.
My friend, the one who sustained the bites Saturday night, is recovering at St. Roscoe’s Clinic in the facility’s only bed. He says he’s learned his lesson about sheep. We’ll see.
Sheep attacks are up a whopping 45% from 2014, when zoologists began feverishly compiling data on the subject. Animal behaviorists blame the spike in violence on breakdown of herd values, absence of viable role models and impersonalization at the state and federal level. They say most sheep exhibit a general feeling of hopelessness and very little opportunity for betterment.
Stress has also elbowed its way into the picture since the price of wool has been sporadic (since the wool glut of 2009). Forced relocation to seasonal pastures has only thrown gasoline of the fire.
But lets not throw out the baby with the bath water here. There are still some good sheep out there. They are simply shouted down by the radical element bent on creating a wedge between herd animals and agriculture. One used to be able to drive through a herd on the highway without incident. Today you are subject to glares and catcalls.
Sheep in eight Western states must already declare residency and submit to urine tests but that may not be enough according to Melvin Toole, of the Department of the Inferior. “Cumbersome record keeping be damned,” he quacked. “This is the best way to keep a lid on things until we figure out a master plan. We’re good at master plans.”
More aggressive mouthpieces such as Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) say the military should bomb the offending animals.
“That’s how the feds solve problems,” said Cruz, who added that the Obama Administration was “soft on sheep. “Let these crazed creatures feel the wrath of our air force. We could just promise to keep collateral damage down and nobody would be the wiser.”
If a sheep confront s you remain calm and do not make eye contact or attempt to flee. Stand up to them. Flap your arms and puff up. This may either frighten the animals off or enrage it and culminate with a frontal attack. If you are traveling by car do not stop and get out near herds. The temptation to feed the cute little lambs may be strong but more than one camper has lost an arm or a leg to these suddenly savage even-toed ungulates.
Veterinarians say that sheep are reasonably clean animals and rarely carry diseases, however one does not know where they have been. The accepted treatment is as follows:
First: Remove the animal from the target area. Treat the bite, not the symptoms. Wash the area and apply disinfectant. Victims with allergies to wool should never be covered or the bites bandaged.
Second: The patient must lie quietly as bites like these often take up to six weeks to heal.
Third: If the victim is still alive after 48 hours he/she has passed the perilous stage and can be given solid food.
– Earl “Beefsteak” MacAdoo
Next time: Spotting and subduing carnivorous ptarmigans in the wild
Warning To All Lobbysists
(Washington DC Pitchfork Press September 20, 2015)
At approximately 9:43 pm on October 31, 2015 we will begin seizing all lobbyists operating within the confines of our nation’s capital, the City of Washington DC. These parasites will then be escorted to Virginia or Maryland, dropped off on the side of the road, and prohibited from returning to Washington for any reason at any time.
Laptops and cell phones belonging to trespassing/offending lobbyists will be confiscated after this date. Anyone who has engaged in the fiscal manipulation of elected officials in the past two years will be will be detained indefinitely.
No special consideration for holders of permits/invitations will be honored. Letters of reference from Congressmen or unelected federal officials will be discarded, the holder most likely facing Spartan incarceration. We see the Congress as a willing participant in these sleazy dealings that bilk the people.
Lobbyists caught engaging in outright bribery after Nov 1 will face public execution, as will corporate representatives thought to be operating in a paperless or clandestine manner. If the situation improves we will refrain from further violent solutions to rampant greed. Anyone aiding this clearly criminal element in our society or failing to comply with our long overdue action will be neutralized.
For the human victims of corporate piracy.
The Pitchfork Party of America
