All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
Obama Blamed for Trump Success
(Hair and Mouth Gazette — September 19, 2015)
(Washington) House Republicans are blaming President Obama for their problems with Donald Trump. Saying that the liberal tendencies of the Chief Executive encouraged the New York millionaire to seek the Presidency, Divine Right congressmen such as Mitch McConnell say the entire Trump phenomenon is a part of a scheme to land America in the chains of socialism.
“Extremes attract extremes,” said the House majority Leader from the deck of his “bass boat” a 92-foot Monte Carlo sports yacht bought and paid for by an undisclosed oil company. “This Democrat will ruin the country for all of us.”
Charlatan maverick Ted Cruz echoed his distaste saying, “God told him Obama was the anti-Christ and Trump worked for Satan.” “Both Obama and Trump are Muslims and should be brought to heal. Trump seeks the Republican nomination so as to mask his socialist ties to Russia and Red China,” he affirmed. “When I am elected I will deport all of these terrorists.
Cruz, who we believe was born in Kenya….or…Canada, continued his attack on everyone else by saying that Trump, like Mitt Romney, Jeb Bush inherited his much celebrated fortune.
“I accumulated my money legitimately from friends in the oil business,” he explained.
From Shock and Awe to crash and burn? The GOP appears desperate to gain any momentum front, backwards or sideways. Attempts to shed the image of an elite, wealthy white boy political party have come tumbling down every time Trump stands behind the podium.
The Obama Administration had no comment expressing only annoyance that both Hillary and Joe have said nothing of substance while seeking the endorsement of the President.
Less renown House Republicans blamed Obama for global warming (which they deny) and upsurge of crime in the cities and tasteless tomatoes that illegally cross our southern borders daily.
In a related story construction continues on a great wall along the border with Mexico to keep immigrants out and ignorance in.
– Suzie Compost
Everything “Hunky Dory”
(Capital Hill Express — Warshington DC – September 20, 2015)
The state of the country is on the upswing if you listen to a recent White House appraisal. In a speech before the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution the President Obama stressed that there is no need for worry and that the nation will claim its own at the end of the world.
“It’s kind of like mixing Judgment Day and Election Day,” said Obama. “Even though the majority of people prepare for the events in a similar fashion the end results are still a bit murky.”
Most Americans have no clue in the voting booth or with regards to the hereafter. Most have no positive relationship with death, substituting the death industry chants for an embrace of the soul at the time of departure from this place. Most think the elections are valid.
Despite its serious dysfunction, our leaders have lauded the democratic process since 1789. Common philosophies that might lubricate our mystical hopes and desires are no further along than in the days when we chased the herds.
Detractors call these intrinsic practices “tragic charades” since they only scratch the surface as to politics and metaphysics, expending valuable energy in what may well be a spurious arena.
Concentrating on domestic issues, Obama promised that the quality of education would improve by next week. He offered no further details. His plan to offer free community college classes has come under severe criticism by those who are insisting he address the sad state of affairs at the high school level first.
In continuum the President heaped praise on policies aimed at controlling illegal Irish and Israel immigrants. This one brought down the house. After the applause, Obama did not elaborate. He concluded this segment pointing to the economy and low unemployment figures. Again the audience went wild as a band, hired by surviving remnants of Chicago’s Daley Regime, played “That Old Gang of Mine”.
Turning to the international theater, the President said relations with other potential super powers were better than ever.
“The Russians are at it again in Ukraine while the Chinese are busy building artificial islands in the South China Sea,” he chipped. “We are right on that one ignoring negative behavior all the way. “The people who hated us in the fifties and sixties are our buddies now and the people that liked us hate us.”
Obama did not tread into dangerous waters here exposing reasons why these groups might feel such anger.
The President then went on to vehemently warn Maoists, militants, drug lords, Wall Street, corporate polluters and Cubs fans that frivolous/violent actions would not be tolerated. Then came the release of an estimated 15 tons of confetti and helium balloons blown up by the Clintons over the weekend. As projected, the place went nuts!
The speech finished with a plea from the President to email him soon.
Rumors as to an immanent crash of all propped up methods and paltry social systems were brushed under the podium rug with the news that one of the White House dogs was pregnant and would be having puppies in time for Christmas. – Neville Hoser
Gunnison Mower’s Safety Course Offered
Gunnison County Weed Eaters Anonymous – September 17, 2015
The officially recognized, patented and juried 2015 Gunnison Mower’s Safety Course will be offered again this fall to persons who have mastered the summer preliminary curriculum. This year’s syllabus concentrates heavily on the adaption of the metric system and its application to more conventional approaches to trimming.
Adherence to s simple step-by-step procedure will result in fewer mishaps with rotor blades and lurking sunstroke according to masterminds associated with the project.
Persons born after March 1949 must take this course if they intend to mow their lawns this fall. Others, born earlier are urged to sign up for the 400-hours of Saturday classes, so as to remain on top of newest developments.
“We offer plenty of tips for mower safety as well as insider hints on weed control and fertilization techniques,” said board member Charlene Gascanne, between meetings.
The cost for the classes is a reasonable $400 (sleeper compartment slightly more) and must be paid in advance. Persons caught mowing (or weed eating without proper certification will surrender lawn privileges and may face fines and imprisonment. – Koko Nucla
Colorado Weapons Ban Widens
Special from The National Trigger Finger – September 10, 2015
Unconfirmed sources at the state capital confirm that an extended ban on assault-related armaments will take affect in October. Most notably sticks and rocks are now verboten, along with dining room furniture and kitchen utensils.
Other taboo minutiae making the roster of banned weaponry are ash trays, table tops, bottles, sharp pencils, sling-shots, water pistols, skillets, rolling pins, Louisville Sluggers, sharpened pork chop bones, sawed off potatoes, sharp tongues, battering corkscrews and hat pins.
Lauding the bi-partisan action several members of the Colorado Senate assured voters that “this slew of new laws should work as well as all the other laws already on the books” in controlling the spread of violence in Colorado.
Pro-weapons groups such as the National Cucumber Association and the mysterious Polyester Enchilada Coalition have pledged to overturn the legislation, which they say is the work of progressives, liberals and Satan.
– Jolly Pena
“One path (before us) leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. I pray we have the widow to choose wisely.”
– Woody Allen
Motorists Warned of Underwear Check Stations
(Moab, UT The Clashing Fashions Review – September 10, 2015)
As hard to believe as it might be, especially considering more pressing matters, the state of Utah has installed secret safety roadside checkpoints to assure that all motorists and passengers are wearing skivvies when they arrive in the Beehive State.
Won’t this be fun.
The roadblocks are camouflaged as anything from a nuclear plant to a lemonade stand and have been propped up by security forces and the National Guard. They can be found at logistical redoubts from Vernal to St. George and at all major border crossings. The posts often operate during morning hours at one locale then move to another spot for the evening rush hour.
Although residents of Utah are not expected to be examined with the fine toothcomb that awaits tourists and visitors, they too must adhere to strict regulations with regards to underwear.
“We don’t care if these moral midgets wear roller skates and lampshades over their heads as long as they are wearing underpants while they are here,” said an unreliable source at the county level.
Persons caught without the proper interior gear will be fined and could be incarcerated for aggravated cases.
“Generally anyone who is taken into custody can arrange for underwear to be sent to the jail, say they are sorry, pay a small fine and go on their way,” added the source. “We aren’t looking to create an international incident here. We just want to keep Utah hygienic and good by enforcing the morals and ethics of this righteous land.”
Anyone heading west into Utah is urged to stop and purchase a contraband map/timetable that outlines this colossal undertaking. Available at the Colorado Department of Tourism, these handy guides are a must for treks into the unknown. Travelers coming east from Utah are eligible for free coffee and counseling at the many refugee camps that dot the Colorado River Basin.
Take heed. These people are serious. Many of our kinsmen have crossed over never to be heard from again!
“I may not know what I like but I know a lot about art.”
– Rahsaan Larry Kleenex
Heir to the throne?
According to reputable/reliable sources (the boy’s grandfather and former Bowling Green cheerleader, Rex Bishop)) Sebastian will take over quarterbacking duties for the Denver Broncos in 2035 (coinciding with the year Peyton Manning decides to retire?). Them’s some big shoes (or hats) to fill but great athletes run in the family. When contacted Broncos front office boss, John Elway, said the team would take a wait and see approach to the development.
