Colorado Governor Pledges to End Dust

(Denver) Governor Jared Polis today promised to eradicate the plague of summer ——dust in Colorado. In what is seen by some as an off-election year gesture to Squeaky Clean Republicans  Polis guaranteed the termination of flying dirt, gritty film, related debris and general air-borne riffraff by the Fourth of July, 2027

     Although he did not say exactly how this measure would be carried out, he did say his program would be implemented immediately with funds confiscated from several professional sports stadium drives and by arresting and fining everyone out on the street after midnight on East Colfax, the Mile High Champs Elysees of the 1950s.

     While critics say the plan is impossible and merely another development scheme, most Coloradans appear hopeful that he can pull it off.

     “This is just another grandstanding attempt at attracting even more people to our state,” said Eva Drippe, a water engineer and conservationist from Boulder. “Don’t these politicians understand that Denver, and most of the eastern part of the state is a desert and the West would be sagebrush save for projects like the Gunnison Tunnel. There is not enough water to keep building?”

     Supporters of the End Dust agenda say Polis is on the right track, albeit a grimy one. Detractors say “the dust is earth and earth is real estate and real estate can be sold to pilgrims.”

     “He’s got plenty of city and state crews at his disposal and everyone here agrees that the place would be far better without dust,” stressed Riviera Hammerman, a former belly dancer turned councilperson from Dove Creek. “We could grow larger onions and potatoes and our livestock would be more secure without dust all over everything.”

     The cost of the plan, if determined,  was not disclosed.

      According to a release received from the gubernatorial mansion this morning “the methodical termination of state dust will follow other recent success stories such as the Marmot Protection Bill, Rockies’ Relief and, of corpse, the innovative flagship blueprint which helps Aspen residents sell household junk on E-Bay.

     “We’re seeing fewer marmots squashed on the highways and Aspen trash sales are way up over May, and why not?” smiled Hammerman. “Everyone wants their own little piece of the glitz.”

     Residents in other resort towns have expressed interest in selling their “affordable garbage” on the net as well with Telluride and Vail offering matching funds to get the ball rolling.

     “One thing at a time,” said the councilperson.

– Small Mouth Bess