BORDER PATROL SEIZES MARIJUANA ICE CREAM

La Frontera del Dia  —  September 24, 2015

(Aqua Prieta) The United States Border Patrol has reportedly confiscated some 10 tons of marijuana ice cream in an abandoned panel truck here. The contraband, which had melted down to thick syrup by the time of the seizure, carried a street value estimated at some 2.7 million dollars.

“This is the first time we’ve seen the evil weed in this form,” said one officer, “but we’re not all that surprised since the innovative and the flamboyant smugglers alike are swamped this time of the year.”

The ice cream, stored in small Styrofoam coolers had been packed with dry ice and appeared ready for the long journey north. It was not apparent when the cargo was deserted or if the culprits involved in the illegal transport would be back to rescue their investment.

“Despite all the hoopla about cooperative drug enforcement that one reads in the papers, the Mexican police generally look away as the weather gets hot,” continued the officer. “They prefer to engage in other less taxing law enforcement practices such as shake-downs and car insurance scams, which are far more lucrative.”
The ice cream appears to have been a mixture of Neapolitan and spumoni which has led authorities to believe that organized crime is involved. Several other forbidden fruits or desert desserts were recovered along with the soupy pot. Included were some 15 pounds of chocolate covered hash-laced Colorado Rockies figurines and a six-pack of Coca Cola dated 1923. These items too were deemed inedible due to the exposure to extreme heat in the Sonoran Desert. Despite that sad status all the items mysteriously disappeared moments after the story hit the papers.
-Kashmir Horseshoe

GAY SMOKERS THREATEN SUIT

(Telluride) In a town where frivolous law suits by transients and household pets are not a particularly uncommon occurrence, gay residents have again claimed discrimination. This time the imbroglio centers around smoking ordinances which local gays say are biased.

“All we want are the same rights afforded to anyone else,” said one spokesman for the offended. “We want to smoke where we want to smoke when we want to smoke. We’re not trying to push our lifestyle on anyone else. We just like to light up. The law is killing our right to be free, to be impulsive!”

Proponents of the new town legislation say that there are plenty of places where residents can smoke and that restaurants should remain smoke free. They say the law treats everyone equally and has no bias due to race, gender, creed or sexual orientation.

A preliminary hearing is scheduled for February of 2016.