Homo Sapiens Pride March infuriates Front Range Neanderthals

(Loveland) An all-day procession arranged by local Homo Sapiens has infuriated  the more militant wing of the Denisovans, a fringe genetic group once thought to have magically dissolved, or moved to the Wyoming prairie, more than 300,000 years ago.

Local authorities, who granted the parade permit last May, have remained vigilant in attempts to reassure the Neanderthals that they are not the target of century-old frustrations and ignorance as to other groups, especially those that are anthropological cousins.

“The big word here is trust,” said one city official who demanded animosity. “I myself stopped trusting humans back in 1987 but have had rather positive, albeit limited, experiences with both the Neanderthals and Denisovans, who seem to have retained a high level of integrity over the ages.”

Leaders here hope that is true and that the climate will remain peaceful. Already the parade has been rerouted to avoid meandering through Denisovan vicinages.

Social scientists attribute the calm demeanor of these human links to the fact that they did not and do not use money in their daily lives.

“These are your father’s hunter/gatherers,” said Dr. Terrence Thimball of the Pea Green Institute. “They were too busy looking for food and warmth to worry about things like bank accounts and retirement planning. Many,” he smiled, figured earth was heaven and that the metaphysics of eternal life were still an elusive and unnecessary element in their daily survival. Life itself was short and uncertain enough that the creation of  fairy tales to explain it had yet to be invented. In short, these human relatives had not figured out how to get rich on the fears of their fellows but that would soon explode into flimsy explanantions, the cornerstone in every last one of the planet’s religions.

“We must never underestimate these early humans,” continued Thimball. “Let us remember , these brave Hominims routinely faced down massive predators like charging brown bears and crafty cave lions. Imagine seducing one of these beasts from his cave then slaying it using only courage and primitive spears.

“What we’re talking about here is anatomically modern Homo sapiens,”  said one city official. Let’s hope they behave better than many of their higher human descendants.

An abundance of Welcome Canadians signs were on display along the procession until ICE/Proud Boys descended on the parade and shot them. The official explanation by the trump gov’ment is their killers were acting in self-defense.

*Many Denisovans, sporting similar DNA as the above-mentioned, chose to boycott the festivities altogether in favor of Bronco two-a-days. Critics say their cluster has no tickets and plans a massive gate crashing if the team continues to operate in the shadow of slowly and poorly developing running plays in 2026.

–Tommy Middlefinger