All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"

Fall Gold in Hinsdale County

Golden Aspen Near Lake City  (September 30, 2015)

ON THE COUCH

with Doctor Ardmore Thorazine, PhD, BFD, LSMFT.

(Psychosis for the Little Guy Magazine   September 27, 2015)

Post Holiday Depression Should be Subsiding by Now

Hello patients! Once again we have reached that special plateau when, because I went to graduate school in psychology, I have the distinct privilege to explain to you just why you are crazy.

This episode of On The Couch will focus on post-holiday depression that is often caused by pre-holiday euphoria. However, since it is September and Christmas was 9 months ago I strongly suggest that you try letting the whole thing go. That’s it…blow it out and begin anew. Let it go. Yes, let it all go.

These negative feelings are understandable in January but c’mon you wimp and stand up to life in February and March! Symptoms, isolated as they might be, are a sure sign of a more serious problem that, when treated with continued therapy, could generate enough money for me to pay off my condo in Crested Butte.

Our goal is to ease post-holiday depression before dealing with double indemnity passages emerge inside the noggin next December. I prefer to embrace drug therapy, which has always been more enjoyable than couch time. It is also more effective and can be harnessed over the counter despite what those fools at the AMA dogmatize.

Post-holiday depression, like post-coital depression, post-hypnotic apprehension, postponed suggestion and post-nasal drip is caused primarily by the presence of unresolved anger and inner hostility. Often a consumer, who has just dropped hundreds of dollars on worthless Christmas presents for the inappreciative, feels empty, lethargic, and yes, a little guilty.

These feelings of displaced resentment, even rage, can be dealt a swift and severe setback by the application of Gestalt Therapy, group encounters, Ying and Yang sessions, tantric sex, primal cleansings and electro-shock therapy. I prefer the last solution since I have invested a lot of money into electronics. This treatment, while painful, does not demand full patient compliance or even participation. The subject must simply show up.

First: The patient must realize he/she has an illness. Mental preparation must go hand-in-hand with trust and a down payment for services about to be rendered. Playing Christmas music, decorating the home and trimming a tree even though it’s not the Yuletide, are effective means to counteract fears and concerns.

Next: A visit to a bona fide department store Santa is a must, even if he’s not in costume or on duty…Even if he’s in floral swimming trunks or a blaze-orange vest.

Go ahead and tell him what you want for Christmas and palm him a ten spot. Try to remember Christmas as a child. (If you are a child try to remember Christmas as your grandfather might have experienced it.)

Then: Bake a ham or turkey and bring it along to your shock therapy sitting. Our staff will enjoy something to eat while you are zapped repeatedly in keeping with prescribed seismograph oscillations. Be sure to wear your best conductive clothing and bring along someone to drive you home or to the funeral parlor.

Next Month: The biophysics of bridge jumping

Big Money Quote Contest Told

(Pinkeyville Math Club Release – September 25, 2015)
Identify the following celebrated quotes by identifying the person least likely to have coined them. Get them all right and we’ll send you a cheesy prize. Get any wrong and you send us $300. Please read each one slowly and carefully and be aware of trick questions. Too bad you didn’t pay attention in high school but who did?
1. “A man who can laugh in the face of death has no business selling headstones.”
2. “Mares eat oats and does eat outs and little lambs eat raw oysters on the half shell with a side of horseradish.”
3. Poems were made with corn and mush, but only God can make a bush.”
4. I can’t tell you much but i can tell you one thing — I’m not a crook.”
5. “A penal implant is nothing more than a stole on the cell block.”
6. His few good ideas came out of a jar of vaseline.”
7. “Daddy gave me a bank for Christmas. He’s just too old to play with it anymore.”

COWPUNCHER’S HOLIDAY

Cowboys like these will soon join the official gov’ment Endangered Species List replacing politicians who are in no way endangered but should be especially during an election year.

When GOP Candidates Pushed From Tree, Some Bounce

(Madison, WI — The Perennial Arborist — September 26, 2015)

A majority of Republican presidential candidates bounce when they hit the ground from the 50 to 100 feet categories. After more extended testing and painful failures 67% do not make contact with the cold, hard ground and go splat. The fete champe’tre, sponsored by the upstart Pitchfork Party, relies on catching liars and scalawags who prey on people’s religious fears.

“We seek to replace common everlasting life fears with strong and powerful spiritual understanding and tolerance,” said a spokesperson for the secret society. “We can change the world and out first move is to seize and silence destructive liars and push them out of trees on the weekend.”

Most Pitchfork folk, tired of the repetitious crap disguised as Democracy, lamented that one tree won’t be enough.

“We wanted a symbol, one tree, like Washington’s cherry tree or Nathan Hale’s hanging tree. Maybe an old growth redwood or a nice hemlock would do,” said the grass roots party source.

Although it is clear that the Pitchfork Party cares little whether the offending charlatan bounces or splats it makes for good press.

“We’ll have these fear purveyors on the run when their corps comes to grips with the intensity of Mother Earth, the far from forgiving crust (only 6000 years old) and the trauma of the climb,” added another Pitchfork enthusiast, her face covered with a coffee sack. “We don’t expect to conduct systematic executions but cannot be responsible for what happens between the initial push and the contact with the dirt and rocks below.
Most of the sentenced candidates stop talking with their gods on the way down.
To date Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Donald Trump, Ben Carson bounced when they hit the ground while Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee and Carly Fiorina did not.

Candidates from the Democratic Party were not included in this sideshow pageant but clearly remain in the sights of the Pitchfork rank and file who, since none has played the Jesus card, are not yet considered panderers of fear and hateful xenophobes.
“If we support any of these candidates and they do not perform as promised we will begin pushing them from their massive bureaucracy in the fall,” said the original spokesperson. “The good of the nation comes long before partisan politics.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

For related banter please turn to Koch Brothers Accidentally Beaten by Police page 49

Wine Bottles in Coffee Paradise

After just a night or two? A glass collection in Salento, Colombia. Great coffee here but most of the wine comes from Argentina and Chile. (Photo by Delinda Austin – September 25, 2015)