All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Blues Could Seed Clouds
(Gothic, CO — Rainy Day Business — Feb 19, 2016)
Scientists here at the Rocky Mountain Biological Laboratory agree that the correct application of blues music could have the same effect on weather patterns as cloud seeding. They suggest that each household should play the blues at least two hours per day (three hours in known drought regions).
“Too much could constipate the clouds and too little will only get limited response,” said one climatologist on loan from hurricane forecasting duties in Galveston. “Whenever we mess with the weather we are courting disaster but it’s probably worth it.”
The source did not elaborate, nor did she shed light on how all of this works when global warming is factored into the formula.
“It’s all about the driving beat, the consistency, the tempo,” continued the researcher. “I prefer Muddy Waters, Pinetop Perkins but one cannot dismiss the great B.B. King or Johnny Winter.”
The audio project, funded by the Willie Dixon Endowment, seeks to understand why the music creates a layer of warm air, rises, and then fades to seek out cooler air at the lower end of the spectrum, or chorus. The clouds that are created by these mini- ecosystems are then much more likely to get in synch and drop rain or snow.
“People don’t need a permit or a lot of expensive monitoring equipment. They just need some decent speakers and an appreciation for the slide guitar and harmonica,” said the source. “Many would be listening anyway and with a little tweak could do a lot to improve local moisture levels.”
Residents and visitors interested in participation are asked to play the Blues from 10 am to noon on weekdays and all afternoon on weekends until a valid storm front, accompanied by a haunting saxophone or a perky clarinet, emerges.
Nationally a majority of scientists says the approach could work but then again may not.
– Evelyn Marmotbreath
Zoo escapados hacer bien en la meseta
(Montrose, CO – Mambo Four-Legged – feb 2016)
Los grandes mamíferos desocupar la fuerza a la vivienda anterior en un zoológico local parecen estar prosperando en el desierto de la meseta de Uncompahgre. Aunque los avistamientos son raros tres elefantes africanos, dos cebras, una jirafa, un león y un grupo de japoneses monos de nieve han labrado una existencia y están socializando bastante bien en alojamientos compartidos.
“Uno esperaría que el león comer las cebras y los elefantes para ser recuperados fácilmente debido a su enorme tamaño,” ofreció Gwynne Parsnippe, un conductista animal de la sociedad butano local. “Eso no está ocurriendo. Todos parecen llevarse bien. Tal vez es su trauma de vida compartida zoológico. Tal vez es el aire fresco. Tal vez es la abundancia de comida allí para tomar “.
Según Mark Ibrahim del Parque Zoológico Nacional en Washington DC, “Nada extraño está pasando aquí. Los animales, como los humanos, buscan la camaradería y la aceptación. Ellos se han encontrado para ser muy versátil, práctico, instintiva e inteligente cuando sea necesario. Los desiertos son su hogar ya sea bosque negro, altas montañas, valles que fluyen o incluso semi-desierto “.
Lo que perturba incluso los expertos locales autodenominados es el instante éxito de la empresa meseta. Además de la cooperación de los refugiados han creado un ambiente de pueblo que emplean los ideales del socialismo democrático.
“Ellos han creado un gobierno funcional allá arriba, que es más de lo que hemos hecho hasta aquí”, dijo Parsnippe. “No hay ricos ni pobres. Todo el mundo come y tiene defensa común contra los depredadores. Es un paraíso mamífero “.
Con reminiscencias de las sociedades esclavistas fugitivos que salpicaban las selvas remotas de Brasil desde el 17 hasta el siglo 19, el reducto meseta, rebautizado Soledad en honor de los activistas de la prisión de los días pasados, aún no se ha descubierto por bandas de merodeadores contratados por el condado a “derribar estos rebeldes.”
Los monos de nieve, o macacos, parecen estar llevando la batuta, probablemente porque se han adaptado tan bien a sus nuevas excavaciones. Existe un ecosistema muy similar en las montañas del norte de Japón. Incluso han descubierto manantiales remota calientes piscinas desconocidos antes de que el hombre o la bestia.
“Estos monos de nieve no se quedan atrás cuando se trata de educación cívica, las normas sociales o hacer una olla de guiso sano de gusanos prisioneros, musgo de pino, pequeños roedores y corteza de álamo”, dijo Parsnippe.
El aumento crónico en las pausas del zoológico durante los últimos 3 años tiene biocientíficos así como etólogos sociales gravemente afectados.
“Los animales una vez que se pensaba que eran felices en sus jaulas y biosferas reconstruidas”, frunció el ceño Parsnippe. “Ahora no estamos tan seguros. Tal vez es hora de reinventar zoológicos “.
Grupos de derechos de los animales dicen que el hacinamiento, la mala alimentación, la violencia y la libertad condicional a la espera de inconsistencias han conducido a este estado vergonzoso. Se centraron en la negociación de penas y moralidades desequilibradas que favorecen a algunas especies sobre otras.
Hasta en Soledad todos son iguales y nadie vive en jaulas. Ya propagación y la procreación son el doble de lo que estaban en cautiverio. Tres pequeños se han unido a la liquidación, una cría de elefante, una cachorro de león y un hermoso nuevo mono de la nieve bebé que pesó casi diez libras este mañana.
“Las tasas de natalidad son asombrosos”, gritó Parsnippe, “pero hay que considerar que no hay mucho más que hacer en la meseta de Uncompahgre en diciembre. –
Warren de Wexley
Mantenga su propia basura en su propio patio trasero.
Vote NO a One World y la basura nacionalizada.
VOTE NO A # 611
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Coalición por escombros de Responsabilidad y Seguridad.
Magpies Land Lucrative Contract
(Spit Gulch, CO — Birdland Blues Bulletin – February 16, 2016)
The International Brotherhood of Asphalt Custodians has announced the finalization of a three-year highway janitorial agreement between Local Magpies Union #611 and the Colorado Division of Transportation. The contract states that the state will employ the large scavengers to keep its highways and arteries free of edible debris and road kill.
The current agreement, dating back to 2009, is hereby terminated with the signing of this more secure and lucrative pact, which stipulates exactly what is to be picked up by highway workers and what is to be picked at by magpies.
The birds will earn $10 per hour, the projected minimum wage for Colorado. The bond made no mention of further cost of living allowances, however legal access to and possession of first kill and the ability to appoint magpie supervisors swayed the last hesitant flocks from the provinces (Western Slope), who agreed to the terms just this morning.
The question of high-grade booty, now resolved, has been a bugaboo in Right to Work States where incomes and quality of living have suffered while employers have posted increased profits. In Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, no champion of the workingman, allegedly uses the magpies for target practice. He recently served magpie at a dinner hosted for his masters the Koch Brothers.
Conflicts with refuse engineers and other collection technicians as to treasures to be found on the highways have subsided as it has become quite clear that there is amply garbage and waste for all. The trash men get first shot at discarded furniture or auto parts while the magpies get the road kill. Competition for state highway cleanup positions has increased dramatically along with the deer and elk population and the human impact on highways built for 1975 traffic flow. Although the presence of smaller cars and more traffic has led to more victories for large animals like moose and bear, the road kill tonnage has remained the about same since the state began keeping records in 1940.
Christmas bonuses, a big deal to magpies, will continued to be paid in skunks, chipmunks, rabbits and prairie dogs. Which one to eat first is still the prerogative of the brotherhood. – Lawrence Elk
Dinosaur Bones Found in Tavern Sink
(Special from The Crested Butte Fossil and Relic – February , 2016)
The skeleton of what scientists believe to be a dwarf stegosaurus was found in a back-up bar sink by patrons searching for large martini olives here yesterday. The mysterious bones, excavated at the now extinct Frank and Gal’s, have been called one of the most important archeological finds by paleontologists since the discovery of a giant spinal column of a rare Dark Canyon Brontosaurus at the Toke of the Town Tavern in May.
On-site Triassic experts, many of them dinosaurs in their own right, are on loan from the Rocky Mountain Marmot and Wildflower Institute at Gothic.
The bones are considered to be an essential and intrinsic piece in the genetic jigsaw puzzle that could someday determine the validity of leading theories on human evolution. Luckily the newest dinosaur carcass was safely removed from the sink by and delivered to a safe research lab at Western State Colorado University.
Attempts by this newspaper to interview customers at the bar failed since patrons were engrossed in a Broncos’ game and did not notice the detour from the normal routine.
– Fred Zeppelin
“The big loser (in the recent GOP “debate”) was participatory democracy all the way back through history to Pericles…I have heard more coherent dialogue from cats mating in an alley.” – Charles Pierce, Esquire Magazine.
Russian Defector Likes Western Slope
(Montrose — Streets of Minsk — February 2016)
Kaslov Yowski has been in town for just a week but already he has learned to speak passable English, found employment and opened a bank account. The “defector”, a former opposition leader in Russia, saw the writing on the wall after the Ukraine fiasco and the Crimean occupation (?)
After threatening to release photos of several KGB agents with livestock, Yowski flew took advantage of the impending confusion and flew to Kiev where he was welcomed as a hero. Then, wearing nothing but his winter fatigues, he stowed away in a Swedish freighter carrying Volvos to the United States.
“He wanted to get as far away from Russia as possible,” said sponsor Marlena Ethabarron. “He gets along well with other people.”
Etchabarron, a retired sloth wrestler from Miami, said Yowski had hoped to meet real cowboys like Ronald Reagan and Roy Rogers when he arrived in America.
“He didn’t know they were both departed,” smiled Etchabaron. “News travels slow in some circles.”
That’s when he met Etchabarron who filed the necessary paperwork to keep Yowski in the country until his refugee status could be further determined. The two traveled across the country landing in Durango where the couple managed a convenience store and worked as bouncers at a host of local bars.
In the daytime Kaslov sat on Main Avenue clutching his AK-47 which led to confrontations with police and an invitation to leave town. The couple headed north to the Badlands of San Juan County, where, as Yowski had heard, “anything goes.”
After a few nights in Silverton they headed to Montrose for warmed weather. Most residents say he is welcome there. His optimism seems, along with the latest flu virus, to be quite contagious.
“It is common practice for us to conduct an interview directly with people like Yowski,” said an under-editor at The Horseshoe, “but our only staff member fluent in Russian was fired during the McCarthy Hearings in 1951.”
– Ivan Sonovavitch Jr.
Good food in Jerico, Colombia
We have the tools to satisfy your culinary appetite! Just come up the stairs to La Gruta Restaurant and Bar in Jerico, Antioquia, Colombia. Buen provecho! (February 14, 2016)
