All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Crested Butte Stamp To Honor Coal Mining Culture

(Elk Avenue  The Jack’s Cabin Punch and Postal  February  24 , 2016)

Residents and significant others will be treated to a new postage stamp recognizing the contributions of coal miners to the town and the nation. The first blocks are expected Friday in time for the weekend.

First day of issue stamps, featuring a lump of coal against a solid black background, will go on sale at noon.

“It looks a lot like a square off a checkerboard only smaller,” said one mailperson.
A gov’ment pamphlet described the stamp similarly, adding that “although it’s a bit abstract we are certain people will figure out what it represents after a while.”

A design to commemorate the fathers of skiing was dropped as was a jokester theme venerating the town’s famous two-story outhouse culture. Federal officials, in town on “other” business decided in favor of the coal-mining motif when several hundred paternity suits were filed in just 12 hours. In addition the owner of the outhouse refused to cooperate with the federals, threatening to shoot them if they “so much as wander onto my digs up here.”

In 1869 mercenaries loyal to Lloyd Woodrows-Harlan overran stockyards, stills and chicken coops up and down the East River Valley. Then the ragamuffin legions stopped the onslaught high above the town and immediately began constructing ski lifts. However after a few hours of digging they discovered incredible quality anthracite and sub-bituminous coal and opened mines instead, setting skiing on the back burner for 100 years. After another hour behind their respective shovels most of Harlan’s troops went to the bar for the rest of the day.

If sales of the coal mining stamp are as brisk as expected the feds will print a second stamp, which honors the sport of skiing in 2017. Officials are searching for a simple, yet symbiotic design that compliments the first stamp. Public input is not particularly welcome.

– Gabby Haze

Cow Tipping Championships Draw Throngs

(North Platte, Nebraska — Bovine Olympics XXXVII — February 24, 2016)

The 2016 World Cow Tipping Championships are in full swing this week with a large portion of the population of Nebraska in attendance. The final four teams, survivors of a grueling eight weeks of strategic pasture charges, will compete this weekend defined by the categories of speed, style, aptitude and gross weight of the object (s) tipped.

Cow Tipping has flourished in Nebraska since the turn-of- the 19th Century. Residents looking for some fun after the Cornhusker season, embraced the sport like a crow takes to road kill. Quickly one could observe a cache of amateur tippers readying themselves for the physically pounding competition. They size up their targets, usually after dark, stalking the beasts that are still finishing their dinner.

Then out of the depths of hell comes the eerie scream, the savage charge…splat…whomp…wham! A two-hundred pound human hurling himself at a 2000-pound Hereford, hoping to knock the cow from its hooves and onto the ground for a point.

Most cow tippers are former pigskin standouts prepared to match wits with the shrewd bovine. As any experienced cow tipper will confirm the sport looks a lot easier from the grandstands. A pert, common evasive move, or potential hostility can result in the athlete face down in manure.

“Most of these animals do not face a particularly promising future,” said Red Poppy, recognized as a minor deity in cow tipping circles. “Our sport allows them a few moments of pride before we start the barbecue fires. We don’t hurt them. We just tenderize them a bit.”

A promising vegan event has yet to materialize since vegetarianism (illegal in the Midwest) remains a controversial status and nobody has signed up for the projected Cheese Trails.

It is estimated that 5.3 million Nebraskans out of a population of 5.4 million have engaged in cow tipping at least once in their flatland lives. In the western half of the state, where access to cheap alcohol is less restrictive, about 20% engage in cow tipping one or twice a week after work. In Lincoln the varsity football team has discarded the traditional tackling dummies in honing their skills on the hapless Elsies and Ferdinands.

“If you can bring down a sedentary milk cow you can damn sure tackle a Big Ten running back,” said Poppy.

Meanwhile in the rural communities of Montrose and Delta the sport is slow to catch on since most prospects balk at the thought of tipping anything or anyone.
The double-elimination trials, as well as the final nail-biting matches, are strictly regulated by the Black Angles Bovine Full-Contact Federation. All rights to abandoned hamburger are reserved.

-Susie Compost

“In Ireland they have the Dublin School of Rock and Roll. In France Bruno the Lion continues as Charge de Mission Pour le Rock et les Varietes with full cabinet status. He is referred to warmly as Monsieur Rock. Meanwhile in the United States we have no Minister of Culture at all. We name our airports after Ronald Reagan, George H. Bush and the Dulles Brothers instead of Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly and Elvis Presley. What is the problem here?”
– Little Richard

Irishman Busted in Lighter Heists

(La Paloma, Uruguay  February 23, 2016)

Tommy Thompson didn’t need the lighters. He has ample funds to buy as many of the smoking accessories as he might ever need. It was just a game, one that went terribly wrong.

Now, under house arrest at 22 Patricia Way, in this seaside fishing village he remains unrepentant despite a threatened incarceration.

Here’s what happened: Thompson, from Ballyferriter (Baile an Fheirtearaigh) on the Dingle Peninsula, kept a drawer full of dysfunctional cigarette lighters in his kitchen/bar. He had red ones and blue ones, white ones and purple ones. When unsuspecting guests arrived to drink beer he watched them closely. More often than not they would place their lighters on the table in front of them. Then without warning, when they weren’t looking he’d switch their good lighters with one of the used up lighters from his evil drawer. Despicable!

Finally, as with all lives of crime, he got caught. Although details are sketchy it appears that the local police had wind of his plotting and sent an undercover agent with a case of beer. Thompson could not resist the gift and invited the agent in. That was when the trap was set and the cat got the mouse.

Thompson who is appealing the decision on the grounds that he is colorblind stands little chance of shedding the accusations. If convicted he will spend a weekend in jail in Chui, his favorite town.

– Senor. Panuelo

Dr. Ben Carson surgically separates 50 staff positions 

But actually puts 100 people on unemployment. 

Confused? So are we.

While other media outlets have been satisfied reporting the apparently true fact that 50 staff positions have been cut in the Carson presidential campaign, San Juan Horseshoe needed new stories. So we did a little (very little) digging. What we found bears no relationship to the rest of this story.

Dr. Carson has been known to act and think in “mavricky” kinds of ways (grain stored in pyramids) and as the campaign season has worn on and on and on its been good for a few laughs. Is this just one more contextually frightening oddity from the world’s greatest and most loved-by-Jesus Neurosurgeon and US Presidential contender?

Made up sources within the Carson campaign have been partially and poorly overheard saying that because “quirky old Dr. Carson prefers his own made up math system to those of the rest of the intelligent world”, (reminiscent of his old neurosurgery practice where one “position” – hopefully – equals two “individuals”), the actual number of people let go from the Carson Campaign is 100.  Shocking, especially to shop teachers.

This is all likely untrue but if it was true, it would be insignificant yet creepy. What do all the experts say?

“Well, cutting 100 people from a Campaign is different than cutting 50 people,” said SJH contributing expert Icahn Kounte.

Further detailed but entirely unreliable information coming out of the Carson campaign indicates those who were let go in the dramatic Campaign slim-down were “the loud ones and those prone to quick, jerky movements. Dr. Carson doesn’t like that.”

More later as facts are created.

– Lina Backer

Divulgación de Neanderthal explica el comportamiento del votante

(Edad de Piedra Follies – 21 de febrero de 2016)

Los antropólogos sugieren que la interacción entre los seres humanos primitivos y sus primos homínidos arroja luz sobre el comportamiento electoral ilógica de hoy. Este contacto a largo plazo entre los primeros humanos y los neandertales, que incluye la cría, pero no mucho intercambio de información, podría explicar el fenómeno cada vez más político-económico, donde el electorado vota en contra de sus propios intereses.

La fuga de cerebros que, sin duda, se produjo durante el Pleistoceno, cuando una especie superior de primate consiguieron juguetón (conjugalis fortunatis) con una forma inferior de Homo Erectus, es evidente en todas partes hoy en día, no sólo en la cabina de votación. Los pobres votan por políticos comprados corporativos porque ese político dice que es para armas o en contra del aborto es absurda, sobre todo cuando el candidato es más que dispuestos a enviar trabajos a través de mares y recortar programas sociales.

“Todo lo que un candidato tiene que hacer hoy es anunciar que él es un cristiano piadoso y que tiene un puñado de votos de una coalición u otra”, dijo un antropólogo que ha recibido amenazas de muerte por estas revelaciones. “Dios ayude al hombre que abraza el ateísmo o el agnosticismo, incluso, a pesar de que muchos de los peldaños más bajos no están familiarizados con el segundo término. Sí, la clave del éxito es una farsa loca donde los políticos, a menudo las personas más inmorales del planeta, hacen un espectáculo de asistir a la iglesia y luego llaman una sesión de fotos “.

Ya sea trogloditas primitivos retozaban con Nanjing hombre, solitario hombre, Wushan hombre o incluso el tímido Hombre de Tautavel tendría que ser determinado por
acceso regular y cocientes promiscuidad individuales.

Los paleontólogos están de acuerdo en que el conocimiento limitado de patrones de citas y las normas sociales del personal de la cueva impide gravemente su alcance. Ellos se apresuran a afirmar que su función no es juzgar la moralidad de estos antiguos, que vivían Spartan fue espartana no era fresco.

– Marcella Pesterman

Colombia’s “Shire” in Antioquia

At any moment I expect Bilbo or Frodo to come walking out into this Latin Hobbit land. Gandolf would approve. They would be speaking Spanish, of course, in Jardin. (February 20, 2016)