Magpies Land Lucrative Contract

(Spit Gulch, CO — Birdland Blues Bulletin – February 16, 2016)

The International Brotherhood of Asphalt Custodians has announced the finalization of a three-year highway janitorial agreement between Local Magpies Union #611 and the Colorado Division of Transportation. The contract states that the state will employ the large scavengers to keep its highways and arteries free of edible debris and road kill.

The current agreement, dating back to 2009, is hereby terminated with the signing of this more secure and lucrative pact, which stipulates exactly what is to be picked up by highway workers and what is to be picked at by magpies.

The birds will earn $10 per hour, the projected minimum wage for Colorado. The bond made no mention of further cost of living allowances, however legal access to and possession of first kill and the ability to appoint magpie supervisors swayed the last hesitant flocks from the provinces (Western Slope), who agreed to the terms just this morning.

The question of high-grade booty, now resolved, has been a bugaboo in Right to Work States where incomes and quality of living have suffered while employers have posted increased profits. In Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, no champion of the workingman, allegedly uses the magpies for target practice. He recently served magpie at a dinner hosted for his masters the Koch Brothers.

Conflicts with refuse engineers and other collection technicians as to treasures to be found on the highways have subsided as it has become quite clear that there is amply garbage and waste for all. The trash men get first shot at discarded furniture or auto parts while the magpies get the road kill. Competition for state highway cleanup positions has increased dramatically along with the deer and elk population and the human impact on highways built for 1975 traffic flow. Although the presence of smaller cars and more traffic has led to more victories for large animals like moose and bear, the road kill tonnage has remained the about same since the state began keeping records in 1940.

Christmas bonuses, a big deal to magpies, will continued to be paid in skunks, chipmunks, rabbits and prairie dogs. Which one to eat first is still the prerogative of the brotherhood. – Lawrence Elk