All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
US, Russian Astronauts Will Visit Mars in Spring
Moscow — Economy Seats Chronicle — April 5, 2016
In a first ever joint space venture American and Russian space travelers will lift off and land on the planet Mars in May. After a host of setbacks and cancellations the five-man two-woman crew hopes to enjoy a lighter-than-air breakfast on the Moon and then dinner on the Red Planet, some three months later.
The ship, built in Prague is a Soviet-era 122-F Nostrovic Front-Wheel Drive, Nuclear Shuttle. Pilot and Olympic rowing standout, Gustavo “Gus” Gustafessen described the craft as less than cosmos-worthy.
“I’m patient and tolerant but with one bathroom on board we’re headed for trouble,” he warned. “There’s no place in this gizmo to sit down and no windows ! And I’m the one stuck with the driving.”
Yuri Usonovitch, a Russian logistics officer said he was looking forward to spending time “in the wide open spaces of Mars.
In actuality astronauts hope to hook up with another team that attempted to land on Mars last year. Although everyone made it safely to the surface there has been little word from the crews. Insiders suggest that the visitors have acclimated and are enjoying the pace and pause of another world.
Others say the first group never made it to Mars at all, penetrating the Universe by 31,000,000 light years. A muffled radio contact referred to a wrong turn at Martian moons, Deimos and another to the north of Phobos. Then silence.
Aerial photos snapped on the beach near the Noonday Gulf reveal what appears to be a large metallic object surrounded by campfires.
“It looks like a regular RV campground,” said Gusafessen. “You can almost smell the catfish cooking through the carbon dioxide atmosphere.”
The ship is expected dock at Mars and then return to Earth sometime before baseball season.
– Duck Rodgers
“There are far too many Nathan Meekers stomping around plowing up Ute race tracks, dynamiting hot springs and trying to force us to conform to their frightened and silly beliefs.”
– Blanco in “Fish Out of Water”
Jawbone May Be 500,000 Years Old
(Dallas TX — Skeletons and Heirlooms — April 4, 2016)
A dusty jawbone found in an n abandoned gravel pit may yield untold secrets about who we once might have been according to noted bone experts. It is reportedly one of the best-preserved artifacts to surface since the Great Pyramids were unearthed.
The lower jawbone is believed to belong to a rare Stegomastodon who was no spring chicken when she expired, said archeologists at North Texas State at Denton.
“We know the beast was a resident here since her jaw was locked in the y’all mode, a definitive and familiar status,” said Dizzy Dalhart, Professor of Body Chemistry at the same university. “She was also a female.”
“When we chipped away centuries of makeup we found a slight chin and an attractive face and jaw. This reaffirms to me the protective attributes of a little blush and lip toner.
– Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole
People Who Live on Dirt Roads Happier
Rio Sucio, Colombia Limpia Days April 3, 2016
Persons who reside on dirt roads are generally well adjusted and endowed with a keen ability to deal with life when compared with their fellows who dwell on asphalt.
According to an extensive study the data spreads evenly when applied to groups as seemingly distinct as Western Coloradoans and persons living in what is rudely and routinely referred to as the Third World.
The initial research, conducted by a Psychology 101 class at Western State University, has been entered as evidence that what looks like progress is not always beneficial to man. Follow-up tests could not conclusively determine if the proverbial state of bliss, often present in the lives of dirt road folk, is due to dust particles or a low-stress level.
Since February students have interviewed over 1000 residents from Gunnison to Norwood. At present they are bivouacked in front of the Redvale Post Office, acknowledged gateway to the world’s longest stretch of unpaved highway which rings the planet just north of the 38th Parallel, intersects the Silk Road, scales the Himalayas and winds it way back into the Wright Fellowship Church parking lot just west of the now defunct Bob’s Paving and Small Engine Repair.
– Mario Swervo
Glaucoma Center Could Mean Up to 200 Jobs
(Montrose, CO — Ceviche Civilian –April 2, 2016)
A federally funded center for the treatment of glaucoma could net this town over 200 salaried positions in the near future according to a gubernatorial task force examining all avenues and back alleys here. Already the cutting edge facility, which seeks to treat the disease through defused light therapy and the introduction of small doses of marijuana, is booked up through 2025.
Prospective patients have been arriving on the spacious grounds since Thursday under the watchful eye of the police and the chamber of commerce, who gave out bags of fresh carrots while assuring the medical guests.
Glaucoma is a disease of the eyes characterized by high intraocular pressure, damaged optic disc, hardening of the eyeball and partial or complete loss of vision. It affects one in ten Americans according to the American Medico-Legal Association (AMA).
Many civic and religious groups have softened stances on the use of marijuana within the city especially considering the massive payroll boon.
On the national and international stages a host of industrialized countries have begun tearing down skyscrapers so as to make room for urban hemp gardens.
Hinsdale County Bans Cruise Control
(Lake City — Slumgullion Stew — April 1, 2016)
Drivers within the confines of Hinsdale County must refrain from employing cruise control when operating their vehicles according to a quart decision here. County commissioners, alarmed at the incompetent driving this winter, are outlawing procedures that “contribute to mindlessness and poor attentiveness on roads, slick or otherwise”.
The decision was precipitated when one part-time resident ran his pickup into a local tavern, frightening the patrons and destroying an abandoned planter precariously perched on the porch. He was reportedly going 45 miles per hour with the dial set on cruise control.
“There is no need to allow motorists to employ this kind of convenience function in a town where the speed limit is 25,” said one commissioner known to secretly support a return to horse-only travel in town.
Fortunately none of the customers in the noted bar were paying attention to this news story and therefore escaped unscathed. Lake City already has the strictest horn ordinance in the state.
– Uncle Pahgre
“Utah ain’t so bad just so long as you are near the ocean.”
– Earl Macadoo
IRS Never Sold Willie’s First Pigtail
(Cahone, CO — March 31 , 2016)
The Internal Revenue Service announced today that it has Willie Nelson’s ponytail in a secret bank vault. The disclosure, putting to rest rumors that the taxing agency had sold he singer’s hair along with his assets in 1990, ends a lengthy legacy of court battles and seizures all in the name of drug enforcement.
Willie Nelson forfeited property and paid fines due to tax evasion and marijuana abuse in the 70s and 80s in Jefferson County. In addition the IRS liquidated a country club in Texas and a recording studio in Summit County. It was surmised that the IRS had sold the pigtail to the highest bidder.
“They got $7500 for Clark Gabel’s pompadour and that was back in the good ol’ days when $100 meant something,” said a spokesman for Nelson.
“Willie owed Uncle Sam about 16 million and we figured the ponytail was fiscally irrelevant.”
Nelson has reportedly grown another pigtail, purchased another ranch, another country club and is now cultivating grass legally on the sunny slopes of the Centennial State.
– Marlena Marvelous
Spring Special: Any shoe in our bins 25 cents! Second shoe $50. Orf’s One-of-a-Kind Shoes. Pea Green.
