US, Russian Astronauts Will Visit Mars in Spring

Moscow — Economy Seats Chronicle — April 5, 2016

In a first ever joint space venture American and Russian space travelers will lift off and land on the planet Mars in May. After a host of setbacks and cancellations the five-man two-woman crew hopes to enjoy a lighter-than-air breakfast on the Moon and then dinner on the Red Planet, some three months later.

The ship, built in Prague is a Soviet-era 122-F Nostrovic Front-Wheel Drive, Nuclear Shuttle. Pilot and Olympic rowing standout, Gustavo “Gus” Gustafessen described the craft as less than cosmos-worthy.

“I’m patient and tolerant but with one bathroom on board we’re headed for trouble,” he warned. “There’s no place in this gizmo to sit down and no windows ! And I’m the one stuck with the driving.”

Yuri Usonovitch, a Russian logistics officer said he was looking forward to spending time “in the wide open spaces of Mars.

In actuality astronauts hope to hook up with another team that attempted to land on Mars last year. Although everyone made it safely to the surface there has been little word from the crews. Insiders suggest that the visitors have acclimated and are enjoying the pace and pause of another world.

Others say the first group never made it to Mars at all, penetrating the Universe by 31,000,000 light years. A muffled radio contact referred to a wrong turn at Martian moons, Deimos and another to the north of Phobos. Then silence.

Aerial photos snapped on the beach near the Noonday Gulf reveal what appears to be a large metallic object surrounded by campfires.

“It looks like a regular RV campground,” said Gusafessen. “You can almost smell the catfish cooking through the carbon dioxide atmosphere.”

The ship is expected dock at Mars and then return to Earth sometime before baseball season.

– Duck Rodgers

“There are far too many Nathan Meekers stomping around plowing up Ute race tracks, dynamiting hot springs and trying to force us to conform to their frightened and silly beliefs.”

– Blanco in “Fish Out of Water”