All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"
Pleasure Boats banned from treatment plant
(Ouray) The City of Ouray announced that recreational craft larger than 40 feet in length would be restricted from cruising the Lake Ouray Water Treatment Plant north of town. Citing past recklessness and a slew of safety violations as the cause for the prohibition, the town has no plan to submerge new slips until spring.
Saying that the plant was never meant for pleasure boats or recreation, a municipal source suggested that the prevalence of seasonal aromas as well as the close proximity to Ridgway Reservoir factored in on the final decision. Our source then invited reporters up to the poop deck to get a better look at the logistics that remain a sensitive point with both sides in this long awaited confrontation.
Splinter groups loosely aligned with Pitchfork Party militias have threatened “to sabotage water projects in the county until someone stops to smell the roses.” – Manuel Flushe
Cheney denied auto loan in 1969
(Montrose – December 27, 2014) Former Vice President and war criminal, Dick Cheney, was turned down for an automobile loan by a Montrose bank in 1969. According to unreliable sources, Cheney applied for the loan while a student at the University of Wisconsin and working a summer job on the Uncompahgre Plateau.
A copy of the original document stamped “unapproved” surfaced last month while the Who’s on First National Bank was relocating from the historic downtown to the strip mall ambience of South Townsend Avenue. The reasons listed for the rejection included Cheney’s spotty employment record and his association with criminals such as Richard Nixon and Spiro T. Agnew, who would later be indicted for a series of crimes against the American people.
Cheney was then forced to take a bus back to Madison. While on that stunning journey, he met Karl Rove and, despite being denied for an auto loan before, loans were never an issue again.
“Think of what may have gone down had we loaned Dick the money,” said a now retired loan officer who demanded animosity. “Why he might have settled down in Montrose and gone into local politics.”
– Uncle Pahgre
A Shot of Holiday Schnapps…
Santa Pledges to Modify Guilt Trips in 2015
(Montrose North Pole – Dec 27, 2014)
In closing up shop for yet another Yuletide, the jolly old elf reflected on Christmases gone by and those yet to come. Overwhelmed with emotion he bid a tearful goodbye to several retiring reindeer and elves and promised to make Christmas 2015 the best ever!
“One category that needs help is the persistent guilt related to the naughty or nice restrictions that have been firmly in place since the turn of the last century.
“These Victorian principles of trust and honor have no place in out modern world of baggy boxers, aging baby boomers, boneland security and video game massacres,” said Santa. “If we are going to keep pace with this whirlwind world we must adjust our parameters and see that our traditions continue to reflect a meaningful experience for all. Within this framework we must never revert or retreat from our stated goal – which is happy children all over the world!”
In closing Santa reiterated his views adding that he will simply leave the guilt trips up to the churches, television and government, three failing institutions that create fear within the population.
“These entities are performing quite crisply and do not need any help from our sector at this time,” he said. “Negative is contagious. Most people are guilty enough and afraid of a bundle of superficial bugaboos. Anyone laying guilt trips on my elves or reindeer will be cut off from the gifts parade in 2015.” – Tommy Middlefinger
Senate to House Homeless over Holidays
(Washington – December 2014) The United States Senate chambers, empty due to another Congressional Recess over the holidays, will host more than 200 homeless citizens through the second week in January when elected officials return to prop up the corporate state with new legislation aimed at distracting us from what the rich and powerful plan to do with you and your country.
The temporary guests will only sleep in senate chambers being forced to vacate premises during daylight hours so as not to conflict with tours and weekly housekeeping.
“We just couldn’t sit back and watch people freeze while this hollowed hall is heated and empty,” said Ivy Trampoline, a socialist aid worker from Scandinavia. “Many of the recipients of this gesture are taxpayers and others are longtime unemployed and/or victims of a tragic fiscal system that robs them of hope.”
The guests will remain at the senate until January when they will vacate the building. There have been no occupants at the House of Representatives since Republicans there blocked a bill that would have included both facilities in the accommodation package.
“We don’t want a bunch of lazy bums sleeping at our desks,” said Bert Salamander, a representative from Oklahoma and sponsor of a bill that would create a carbon pipeline through Nancy Pelosi’s backyard. “Those desks are for us.”
“If they don’t want to sleep outside why don’t they go find a job?” asked another Representative from Georgia, who repeatedly voted against the Minimum Wage legislation.
One of the temporary residents told reporters that the digs were acceptable but the infrastructure is broken and in need of serious remodeling. “Imagine eight executive bathrooms for 20 people. The aisles are separated by a dangerous, public opinion moat and he royal carpet is worn where the filibusters have dragged on,” she whispered. “Meanwhile most of us are secretly hoping the senators won’t come back and we can just continue living here. It’s convenient to all the monuments and museums.”
FOR A RELATED PIECE PLEASE TURN TO “HOUSE CALLED FOR ICING” ON OLIGARCHS ARE US
Fowl-Mouthed Elves Cackling Socialites
(Post Christmas Uproar! Holiday Schnapps! Ridgway, Colorado – December 27 2014)
Mangy elves, bored and idled by the passing of Christmas, have become a threat to the season. Armed with signature potty mouths, muscle-bound dwarfs have been crashing Christmas parties under the cloak of official helpers since earlier this month. Now with a termination of most Yuletide duties, the little ruffians arrive in swarming ranks set on trouble.
Authorities fear that the elves will target New Year’s Eve parties where an abundance of alcohol is often served, a formula for potential disaster. Last year local police reported only a few altercations during the evening hours (elves duck well) but arrested some 35 of the little people for delayed-release drunkenness at breakfast spots, the local grocery and in a variety of irrigation ditches on New Year’s Day.
Elmer Fudd Fathered My Child!
By Muffy Hollandaise – San Juan Horseshoe – December 27, 2014
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One Saturday morning I was nursing a hangover that might have measured 160 on the Richter scale when all of a sudden he was in my living room. The Bugs Bunny Show had always seemed real to life for me but this was magnified 1000 times! He looked quite a bit taller than on TV and I was impressed with the way he carried himself. After a Bloody Mary or two we were friends.
But as it is with all men — he was out for one thing and one thing only! Yes, it’s true I was born at night but not last night. Star or not I stopped him short. At least I think I did – and disappointed with my lack of passionate response he disappeared back through my television screen.
Nine months later another Elmer Fudd look-alike appeared on the scene after a costly hospital bill. Paternal suits are one thing but no one believes me. Surely Elmer Sr. (I named the baby after his father) has the money to help me out.
Avoid these pitfalls by reading sanjuanhorseshoe.com and find out what you can do to protect yourself from undesirable acquaintances, annoying pen pals, jerkwater solicitations and unwanted advances from cartoon characters out on the make. When our readers are molested in any way we are quick to send a team of mad, burly advisors to the perpetrator’s front door for a chat.
It’s all included in the package. Control the senseless verbiage that enters your brain and you’ll be chanting, “If I could read, I’d read the San Juan Horseshoe” too. If Muffy had been paying attention she’d be out roller-skating in the desert instead of staying home breast-feeding a needy cartoon.
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Quality of Rum to Improve
(Latino News Briefs – Montrose, Colorado – December 27, 2014)
Baby steps to normalization may allow outcast, quality
Cuban rums to grace American palates, grab share of market
(Havana) A warm-up or meltdown in United States–Cuba relations may signify overdue diplomacy to some but more likely recall a kaleidoscope of petty Cold War events, center stage since Fidel Castro was rebuffed by Dwight Eisenhower during a post-revolution trip to Washington in April of 1959.
An end to a 50-year economic embargo and the reestablishing of embassies is just a start to what experts say threatens to redefine Cuba and crush what has become a self-sufficient, yet fragile culture. Big changes are in store, some good, some not.
One of the big ones is the presumed availability of exotic Cuban rum, acknowledged as the best in the world. It is a development that would most certainly cause the quality of rum to improve here in the U.S.
Following an Obama Administration announcement that the two countries will seek a normalization of relations a bevy of Presidential pretenders and self-serving politicians let out a howl. It was the same howl that we heard after the overhaul of the Immigration Policy, or following the implementation of Obamacare, or the bail out of General Motors, or the murders in Bengazi, or the choice of a White house dog, or the fashion and manners of the President’s daughters, or the First Lady’s attempts to promote healthy diets in schools, or elusive birth certificates, posh vacations or the employment of executive privilege…or Jimmy Carter’s return of the Panama Canal to Panama in 1977 for that matter.
Now happier howls are resounding over the likelihood of access to Cuban rums previously banned in the United States. It could easily be argued that this previously illegal sugar-cane concoction might soften the response from even the dead-in-the-wool Cold Warrior.
“Every quality anejo rum has its genesis in Cuba,” said a Miami purveyor of exotic cordials and elixirs, “and has since 1539 when a royal order of Spain formalized rum production. “All of the Nicaraguan rums first originated in Cuba while most rums from other Central American countries draw recipes from that island nation. Although it is often more difficult to corroborate, most fine rums found in Colombia and Ecuador trace their origins to Cuba too. Many of the wealthy Cuban exiles would prefer to lose the tag “Cuban rum” due to a class distinct distaste for the current government on the island but the first drops derive from Cuban heart and soil.”
Mass-produced rums may now go the way of the dinosaur like Communist vodka and a slew of sage-based frontier sweet wines that all but disappeared from American shelves of following the French Revolution.
Critics of the recent diplomacy say a warming of relations vindicates what they call an immoral government in Cuba. Isn’t this like the vindication of China, Saudi Arabia, Israel, Turkey, and Wall Street for humanitarian offenses in the light of trade entitlements.
“The practice of ignoring the fox in the henhouse while stealing pies cooling in the window must terminate if we are ever going to get along on this increasingly crowded planet,” offered Jane Jane, of the Baseball for Rum Coalition, which endorses the importation of Cuban rum to the United States and the establishment of a National League baseball franchise in Havana. “Most politicians here are far more interested in personal fortunes rather than solutions,” she stressed.
Another angle suggests that the Cubans do not want us. Already the government there has taken steps to protect Cubans from destructive mass marketing and Yankee strip malls. Meanwhile America’s corporate bullies drool with the prospects of new markets open so near our borders.
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Che lines up a putt in Havana in 1962
“Ours is a fragile culture honed in the shadow of the embargo, the necessity of manufactured car parts and prevalent food shortages, drenched in tropical sunshine and the whiff of a smooth cigar,” said Wanton Perez, a spokesman for the Coconut Alliance in Santiago de Cuba. “We must take inspired steps to protect the Cuban people from the menace of mindless strip malls and death food consumerism.”
In a show of sincerity Cuba will donate a mature King Palm tree to the White House lawn while President Obama is sending his old Toyota sedan to Cuba.
“Most Cubans are not familiar with these newer, computerized, fuel-injected engines, but given a few weeks they will figure it all out,” said Perez. “Let’s face it, the lines on one of these boxy models just don’t stand up to a ’57 Chevy or a ’58 Buick.
Regarding the King Palm gift Perez expressed hope that the tree would survive cold Washington winters.
“I guess nobody thought of that,” she smiled. “But what’s most important is to take things one day at a time and with moderation. The Cuban people want goods and services for so long denied them. This silly squabble must end. America must move on into the 21st Century. Saludos! God help our integrity when cruse ships call. “ – Kashmir Horseshoe
