Bigfoot, Bear Extend Confrontation

(Silverton) A Mineral Creek Bigfoot and local bear have exchanged harsh words in the past but nothing like today when a heated altercation stormed out of the woods and down into the town.  Clearly the problem stems from habitat issues, with the big foot demanding local bears stay out of his terrain while the bears say Bigfoot has no rights here.

“Bigfoot is a pig,” said one bruin. “His camp is a mess and he throws garbage into the creek. He has no sanitation skills and howls at night keeping other animals awake. We’re gonna get him this time,” he pledged.

This morning the conflict spilled into Silverton frightening train passengers and halting traffic on Greene Street. When police finally chased the participants back into the wilderness, crumbled asphalt, chunks of fur and deep-seated resentment filled the air.

According to eye witnesses the Bigfoot/Yeti was surrounded by as many as three bears and, despite the initial assault, stood his ground.

“That boy is one tough sombitch,” said a guest at the Triangle Motel. “He run off them bear like they was those little plastic jars of honey.”

According to a police report the Bigfoot then made his escape through a back alley with the bear in pursuit. Despite climbing to safer ground, he suffered inflicting blows and a nasty bite on the lower calf. Officers following a blood trail watched as the fight moved to a more wooded venue toward Kendal Mountain where the warring parties disappeared from view.

“They are all out of town for now,” said one officer, “but they’ll be back when the last of the autumn food chain is kaput  and the dumpsters glisten in the melting snow.”

Local black bear contend that the Bigfoot is not only trespassing but that he is not indigenous to the area. (He is commonly believed to be from the San Luis Valley). Bigfoot feels that because stands on two legs and can use tools he should dominate. He also says the bear are stupid.

The Big Foot that has been wintering up Mineral Creek for some five years and until last month there had been no incidents involving the fiercely territorial Bigfoot and other wildlife, real or imagined.

And if that’s not enough to whisk one’s bristles, Montrose County officers report another Missing Link sighting on the Uncompahgre Plateau near Columbine Pass.

According to an official report: “We had him corned in a eucalyptus grove but he slipped away when it got dark,” “He was a big one and his personal hygiene was an issue, especially after the monsoons and high winds.” said one deputy. “It was enough to make you want to go stand over on the other side of the meadow.”

It is believed that the possible Missing Link hitched a ride into Naturita to avoid capture. A manhunt and pancake breakfast is scheduled for Saturday morning in the town park.

“This kind of thing is normal,” said one resident, “especially during fall season when we have all these hunters running around in these woods.”

In a related piece, Confront Range authorities are expected to announce the results of their mega investigation aimed at determining shell phone use in packs of Neanderthal-Americans who once roamed the Rockies. Until a few years ago, the technology seemed out of reach for these primitive beings but recently discovered artifacts, as well as extravagant cave dwellings suggest otherwise.

Piles of shells, presumably left out in the sun to charge by hopped up antediluvians, further suggest that evolution of sorts was in progress or it could be no more than another round of monkey business. Anthropologists here are attempting to determine if there is a further link in these episodes or if they are only isolated incidents. – Small Mouth Bess

“I invent nothing. I transmit.” – Confucius