HOLIDAY cash flow problems got you down. Send us your cash…We can make it flow. Armageddon Plumbing and Heating

Kittens for Christmas! $550. Don’t wait. At these prices they won’t be around come New Years and, we don’t have to tell you, the price will be higher in 2016. Yes, we still have a few carloads of wet, dirty newspapers at $150 per pound; earwig infested army tarps: $600 (2 for $1100); used vacuum cleaner bags (full): $800; Mildewed blankets and baby clothes starting around $1000. Much more. Free hot dogs for the kiddies. Catastrophe Realty.  3655882299775544 Road, Olathe. Honk. We got mean dogs and the front lawn is mimed for some of that ambience. No checks. No Irish.

We will continue to enforce the standing moratorium on arts and crafts booths inside Eisenhower Tunnel through spring. Status and validity of produce and fish shacks will be determined by demand . No more warnings. CDOT.

Looking for athletic man or woman to jump out of Cadillac traveling at speeds up to 75 miles per hour. Automatic transmission, power steering included. Good pay. Bathtub Speedway.

For sale: One shiny red sleigh without the eight tiny reindeer. The thing crashed on my land and my freezer was empty. Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too, Bub. Carmichael Enterprises, Log Hill Mesa.

Wooden teeth, pornographic jello molds, plutonium money clips, aluminum palm trees, cloth birds, personalized pine cones. Will not break up sets. Great gifts. Pat Rat’s Emporium, Manana.

If you survive Christmas Brunch, I’ll buy you Christmas dinner. December 26 only. Grady’s Gravy Heaven. Not associated with Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon or Taco Hell. (Published December 20, 2015 Eggnog Chowder.

Early morning Santa needed for 1935 department store. No drunks. Must enjoy squealing children and consumerism. Black and white only. Apply at Who’s On First National Bank Lobby.

Unchain my heart but chain up your bald tires at Tyrone’s Sassafras Pass Gas. Just say “Lift me up, Tyrone.” Happy January.

Needed: Rare adjectives, articles, pronouns and colloquialisms for going newsletter. Cash paid daily. See Mr. White at the Indian Massacre Holiday Inn between 10 am and 2 pm any day but today. Sorry, we are not accepting adverbs. American Word Brokers, Tacoma.

Will trade nuclear secrets for cup of rice. Contact Ping Pong Moon in Pyongyang.

Support Wireless Border Security today and keep those people out. Just because your families came from somewhere else doesn’t mean we need any more foreigners in this country. Support the Trump-Cruz Solution. Join a boy scout militia near you now!

Heloise: Please call Abelard on the Pope’s cell phone. Eggnog chowder on Tuesdays only.

Safe Cracking Seminar: Holiday bills got you down already? Do something about it. Learn to break into safes, skirt security alarms, leap tall buildings at a single bound…Testosterone Brothers Financial. We have answers for you!

Televisions surgically removed from your home. Painless out-patient surgery by TV doctors. Post-operative therapy included. Expanded Definition Pest Control of Colona.

Hey Santa: Yo dude.

Why kill a turkey or a pig for Christmas dinner when fish sticks are already dead? Holiday Diner’s Quadrant, Cahone.

Recovering Born Agains: Rid yourself of spiritual parasites without denial, powder or counseling. In only three minutes per day you can talk yourself out of what you talked yourself into in the first place. Make sense? Send cash contribution to Lestor Ribald. I am in league with the devil and the deep blue sea. – ad paid for by The Bogeyperson.

Hunt buffalo right from your seat. Weekly tours. Amtrak. We’re in the Jello Pages.

Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Offer good only till Christmas Eve. Rudolph.

Rocky Mountain Oyster cufflinks…The perfect gift for the gourmet on your gift list. $15 at Big Bart’s Back Porch Sushi, next to Montrose Books and Gargoyles.

2016 calendars. Could be worth millions if the world ends before 2017. Cash only.

Who took my Lou Reed VD from the Gag Me With a Spoon Saloon on Friday night? Give it back or I’ll cut you real bad. Flower, Norwood.

Christian swingers meets at Salvation Creek in Ridgway every Wednesday until something else develops. Bring your own rope.

Is your dog smarter than you? Close the credibility gap with secret night classes aimed at helping you catch up. Common sense, general knowledge, survival, adaptability, logic. Respond: Dogs Who Love Tequila, Wimpton.

Need person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday until spring. Applicant must have valid driver’s license and submit to simple vision test. No mystics. Demonstrated ability to get along with long-term clientele is a plus. Stop by in person (turn right at the dead end) and ask for Mr. Curtains.

Final scores: Silverton Hypochondria 5, Myopic Fields 4; Meade 12, Dog Fowl 0. More on the men’s room wall.

Filed Under: Hard News


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