All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"
Renegade Speckled Trout Continues to Hold Texas Couple
Special from Angler’s Angles – June 25, 2015
(Sapinero CO) The desperate speckled trout currently detaining a young Texas couple at a deserted alpine cabin near here. Police with rockets assault rifles and armored vehicles have surrounded the locale but are reluctant to charge fearing the welfare of the kidnapped people.
“We are also quite concerned with local neighbors including Gunnison sage grouse, lynx, moose, snow monkeys and a poorly defended prairie dog village to the west,” said one nervous deputy about to see his first action on the force.
The trout, a suspected member of a radical upstream splinter group, has threatened to drown oil workers Jim Bob and Ethyl Alcoone of Midland if authorities do not release the over 100,000 trout held at Roaring Fork Hatchery at Almont. A note to the Gunnison County Sheriff’s Office reads:
“Unless my brothers and sisters are set free there will be blood in the water. Don’t waste your time trying to bait me with half-gilled concessions and soggy intentions. I am no sucker. I will settle for nothing less than fish tanks, a charter jet, relocation to fish-friendly nations and full autonomy.”
The slippery perpetrator, a viciously anti-fishing mastermind is blamed for organizing hit and swim attacks on the Taylor River and harassment of anglers on Blue Mesa.
Police are attempting to reason with the fish and plan to drop worms and salmon eggs as a gesture of good will. The couple is surviving on trail mix. Police have warned local wildlife that aiding and abetting is a serious crime punishable by firing squad or worse. Residents are urged to stay clear of the unidentified region (maybe Wyoming would be nice?) and telephone authorities if they notice suspicious speckled trout engaged in odd, out-of-water behavior in the vicinity. – Estelle Marmotbreath
Elvis Appears to Carne Canyon Widow
Shavano Sun and Mailer – June 25, 2015
Most women would be thrilled to have a rock and roll legend visit them in the bathroom but not the reclusive Beverly Lupac. In fact she’s had about enough of it all.
Back in March Beverly arose from a deep slumber, wandered into her two-tone bathroom, gazed into her two-way mirror and there he was: Elvis Presley right there in the zoomed in make-up circle. At first she thought she was dreaming but upon reentry she saw him again, combing his hair.
“At first he didn’t speak but just smiled in that “Elvisy kind of way,” she said. “Then he asked to borrow some hair cream.”
Then he thanked Lupac, asked if he could sing her a song, crooned a verse from Blue Hawaii and melted back into the glass.
Shaken, Lupac rushed to her neighbor’s house to share the strange encounter with Ira Synge-Toole, a former typesetter for this website when it was a newspaper. While at first Toole scoffed at the preposterous pandering of a pop star pertaining to the porcelain presence she quickly came around when singing resumed from Lupac’s bathroom.
The two women, armed with a can of outdated mace and a 34-inch Louisville Slugger, went back into the Lupac house. They made their way to the bathroom all called out “Elvis! Elvis! Come out. Come back.”
Nothing happened. After about a half hour Toole became disenchanted with the entire operation and, saying The Days of Our Lives was about to begin, left.
Lupac then journeyed into her spacious, well-lighted kitchen to prepare lint and kidney pie when a voice crooned Fools Rush In. She turned around half-aroused to see a life-size Elvis standing before her in nightclub attire. This one was a talking Elvis. He asked her about her life in Carne Canyon but she couldn’t think of any interesting answers. The conversation dragged. There she was with the King and she was tongue-tied. She could tell him about her peach harvest or the day the dog got knocked up outside the barn
For more please turn to
You Ain’t Nothing But a Corn Dog
News Flash
(Bennytowne Plaza) Uninformed sources somewhere around the corner have vaguely insisted that the clandestinely whispered rumors of dubious plausibility may be nothing more than sheer innuendo. Moreover, equally uncorroborated critics of the current control modes vehemently suggest that forces from the other side may be engaged in a system of sabotage wherein unclear rumblings and tepid projections land on deaf ears and newly swept sidewalks. This public embrace takes on the personality of those wishing to disguise the issues as only possibilities, and not died-in-the-wool lethargies bordering treacherous ponds of drooling quicksand and pea-brained, yet concise, summations.
That said the situation remains much the same with hordes of promiscuous paparazzi clogging the doorways, hiding in potted plants, hang from window ledges and infiltrate the sanctity of public urinals and private beaches, exhibiting the restraint of crippled harlots. The prize: A television news anchorship in the great Midwest! This newspaper will of corpse bring you each imperative detail and every mumbled conjecture as it comes out of the oven. Forward!
CAMPING TIPS FOR THE 21ST CENTURY
The Great Outdoors with Captain Samaritan
This month’s offering was submitted by Dwight Ruffinit from Boyd, Texas who will receive a seven-piece styrofoam dinette set for his trouble.
To improve your television reception at your self-contained site simply use your RV’s electrical system. After plugging according to the rules and regulations, disconnect the rubber and metal cables from the terminals of your vehicle’s battery. Then connect the antenna wires from your TV to the unhooked cables and the entire system works as one great big powerful reception device.
My uncle Earl picked up Midland last night before the electric storm forced him to abandon further exploration. Sometimes we end up watching three shows at once. It just depends on all those radio waves and such.
Caution: There have been a series of injuries and a small number of fatalities related to this shade-tree, cross-wire technology, but we have plenty of people on the planet and most recreational vehicles can take a direct hit and still be salvageable. Don’t be shy – hook up and enjoy!
Warning: Care must be taken to insure that frozen food in your camper’s electric refrigerator does not thaw out while you are watching your favorite television program high in the Rockies.
