Renegade Speckled Trout Continues to Hold Texas Couple

Special from Angler’s Angles – June 25, 2015

(Sapinero CO) The desperate speckled trout currently detaining a young Texas couple at a deserted alpine cabin near here. Police with rockets assault rifles and armored vehicles have surrounded the locale but are reluctant to charge fearing the welfare of the kidnapped people.

“We are also quite concerned with local neighbors including Gunnison sage grouse, lynx, moose, snow monkeys and a poorly defended prairie dog village to the west,” said one nervous deputy about to see his first action on the force.

The trout, a suspected member of a radical upstream splinter group, has threatened to drown oil workers Jim Bob and Ethyl Alcoone of Midland if authorities do not release the over 100,000 trout held at Roaring Fork Hatchery at Almont. A note to the Gunnison County Sheriff’s Office reads:

“Unless my brothers and sisters are set free there will be blood in the water. Don’t waste your time trying to bait me with half-gilled concessions and soggy intentions. I am no sucker. I will settle for nothing less than fish tanks, a charter jet, relocation to fish-friendly nations and full autonomy.”

The slippery perpetrator, a viciously anti-fishing mastermind is blamed for organizing hit and swim attacks on the Taylor River and harassment of anglers on Blue Mesa.

Police are attempting to reason with the fish and plan to drop worms and salmon eggs as a gesture of good will. The couple is surviving on trail mix. Police have warned local wildlife that aiding and abetting is a serious crime punishable by firing squad or worse. Residents are urged to stay clear of the unidentified region (maybe Wyoming would be nice?) and telephone authorities if they notice suspicious speckled trout engaged in odd, out-of-water behavior in the vicinity. – Estelle Marmotbreath