All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"
Where are they now?
Snooping on Western Colorado graduates – July 10, 2015
Omar Zia (Delta High School ’59)
After eight years in the navy, Omar relocated to Pakistan where he spent ten years as the military dictator of that nation. Today he owns a liquor store in Orange County, California where he is the spiritual leader of the local Republican Party. He can be reached c/o the Swiss Embassy, Pahlavi Blvd., Baluchistan, Pakistan.
John Cody (Norwood High School ‘ 43)
John dropped out of Little Sisters of the Enrichment Institute and joined the priesthood after serving six years in the Marine Corps. He is currently Cardinal John Cody and resides in St Louis, Missouri where his bingo empire is estimated to be worth millions. Although he has become a recluse in the past few years, insiders say he makes a regular appearance at the Berra-Garagiola Fish Fry held every Friday night on Elizabeth Avenue.
Taza Simpson a don cabinas de votación
(Montrose, Colorado – 01 de abril 2015) La detención, cara pero familiar de la celebridad de dibujos animados Homer Simpson se paseará por todas las cabinas de votación oficiales en 2016. Simpson, que mejor ejemplifica la búsqueda sin sentido de la zanahoria siglo 21, a menudo arroja su voto basado en rumores, rumores y vallas publicitarias que lee en el camino al trabajo.
“Él es un gran fan de la radio demasiado e incluso capturas de unos pocos las noticias de televisión a menos que dosifica fuera en el sofá en su lugar”, dijo su esposa Marge. Esta es la cosa más grande que eso es todo sucedió a alguien en nuestra familia “.
Los analistas consideran que Homer Simpson podría ser el nuevo niño del cartel para el nuevo campesinado y la oligarquía estadounidense.
“Él no es real brillante”, dijo un conductista política “tiene miedo de lo que no entiende y puede ser fácilmente manipulada. Su toma de capacidades, nivel de conversación, y yo primero actitud, junto con la falta de madurez bien documentado y una personalidad seriamente subdesarrollada decisión que le hacen la elección perfecta “.
Simpson por poco superó a Jeb Bush y Hillary Clinton por el honor.
“Ahora todo lo que queda es elegir los colores para las cabinas. Espero que vamos a ir con el amarillo y el azul, con grandes ojos hinchados rojos y una barriga cervecera intrusa “, dijo un invento de las decoraciones. “Queremos que todos los puestos sean uniformes y todos los votantes que parecemos. Si eso no es la democracia que no sé lo que es. “- Ripple Van Winkle
Dog Rental Biz Booming in Butte
from The Butte Beagle – June 25, 2015
by Estelle Marmotbreath
Everywhere one sees people walking dogs…All shapes and sizes of dogs…and not just in Totem Pole Park or Bad Dog Alley either but up and down Elk Avenue. Sometimes it’s tough to tell who owns whom or better yet…who is renting man’s best friend for the day?
Renting a dog is easy and fun A visitor to the town can hire an escort of sorts and better fit in to a place gone dog-happy decades ago. Today there are no less than seven dog rental agencies operating in Gunnison and Hinsdale Counties and all are anticipating a strong fiscal showing in the second quarter.
“Small, happier dogs are the rage now and should finish well into the next two month span. Seasons change along with trends which go a long way toward dictating behavior on the street,” said Dag Katz, owner of pioneer Doggie No Bite Canine Rental, recognized as the father of the dog rental profession. “We offer all sorts of dogs since the weather up here is very kind to them. No fleas either,” he said.
“Of course when winter returns we will be beset with requests for Huskies, Malamutes and a Saint Bernard or two…the usual large, snow maniac/fireplace decoration. We should be taking delivery on out winter line any day now,” he fretted. “I just hope they get the sizes and colors straight.”
The expenses mount up to include training, nurturing and grooming as well as feeding, shots, collars, dishes and kennels.
“A person can spend a fortune feeding dogs in the off-season,” but without a secure staff in place we cannot handle demand during the high visitor months. Our dogs are good,” he smiled.
After six weeks of stringent obedience school each of our canines earns an associate degree in hospitality studies from Western State. All have mastered hand gestures, travel in the rear of pickups, fetch, howling at the moon and sitting outside bars for hours waiting for the most important person on earth to emerge from his darkened hole.
Fees run from $200 per day for more exotic breeds while an average “townie” brings $25. All have grown up here under the harsh totalitarian leash laws, but otherwise stressless environs. Be advised: If you have your heart set on a Golden Retriever on a Saturday in the summer you had better book well in advance.
Most encounters are pleasant although Katz recalls an episode when a otherwise gentle male German Shepherd named Z-Max kept a family of 4 at bay in the entryway when it became clear that they had neglected to return from the restaurant with a treat bag for Z-Max.
“They could be there still for all we know,” laughed Katz. “Usually my dogs can sniff out a turkey in the beginning. Imagine the rudeness of returning empty-handed to the lair. I think Z-Max felt like a cheap time share.”
And now, right on the heels of advancements in dog hair repellent Katz has announced a new line of pooper bags that are purchased outright by the environmentally conscious consumer.
“They are made of strong, bio-degradable dog poop and we don’t want them returned to us,” said Katz, turning serious for a moment. – Felix the Cat
Ridgway, Illinois Plans to Add “E”
This pleasant Gallatin County gem has decided to add the letter e to the official spelling of its name so as not to be confused with Ridgway, Colorado. Last night the Ridgeway council there voted 6-0 to add the vowel. Later the Republican council set August 5 as the date for the Democrats’ Chili Cook-off and Barbecue fund raiser in the town park. According to Democrats and the Farmer’s Almanac the first two weeks of August are the most likely time of the year for flooding.
In semi-related news, voters in Pankyville, over in Saline County, will go to the polls in a special referendum aimed at adding the letter s to its name. Residents there are said to be sick and tired of low rent jokes aimed at their village.
“The place was named for the leader of Our Gang, Spanky but fell into complication when people began dropping the s at the beginning of words like pneumonia or parsley, for that matter. “The fact that Stymie and often Farina, called our hero Panky has no bearing on this election.”
Readers may recall the final tally of a similar ballot held back in
December, when the town fathers and mothers of Ridgway, Pennsylvania renamed the place Ridgeway and then named it Ridgway back again while voters slept off a Christmas party. No other explanation would become available according to an official release. – Oral Waters
SPANISH ARMADA SINKS OF IRISH COAST AGAIN
(Skibbereen – July 29, 1558) The entire Spanish fleet “the pride of Calais” has vanished in a violent storm approximately eighteen nautical miles off the southwest coast of the Republic of Ireland. According to a flagship call for help followed by a desperate distress signal from the few ships still afloat.
The renowned Armada was reportedly headed for England with the intention of invading that island nation. It was not clear how many lives have been lost to date since 16th Century ships’ logs were far more focused on weaponry, food and rum than on the lower element of human that inhabited the decks and galleys or were chained in their benches in the downstairs recreation area.
The Spanish military disaster represents the fifth in as many centuries. In 1588 the first “Invincible Spanish Armada, despite fiscal and spiritual support from the Vatican, was defeated by Sir Charles Howard of Great Britain. Nine short years later the Second Armada lay scattered by storms at St. George’s Channel.
These two incredible navel defeats were paid for with silver extracted from the lucrative Potosi mines in Bolivia. It is estimated that over 200,000 Native laborers died in the effort in the icy climate at over 4000 meters.
But did they learn anything? Apparently not since in 1644, with over 800 ships at his disposal, Manual Rudolf of Bavaria took the wrong left turn at La Coruna de Mariposas, landing his entire force waist deep in shark-infested waters on the Bay of Biscay. French villagers encouraged the sharks. All were lost.
Then in 1709 Italian, Hernando Cortisone, in an attempt to circumnavigate the swollen floodwaters of the North Tejo, landed on Gibraltar, which he claimed for the Queen of Denmark or the Duke of Marlboro, no matter. He was immediately arrested and jailed by the British colonial forces, where he roosted on the rocky peninsula, his ships reduced to firewood.
With the coming of the modern era Spanish navel thinking remained firm to its convictions and to the past. In 1889, during the lingering hangover from Queen Victoria’s Golden Jubilee in 1887, an expeditionary force, including several thousand Serbian demolition experts and a host of well-endowed Flamingo standouts in reserve, set out for Lisbon. The plan was to seize the oil fields at Falmouth and continue up the Thames to a rousing victory. Instead the convoy ended up in northeast Brasil three months later and was eaten by Dutch headhunters out on the weekend. England was spared again.
Today, with the most recent military snafu freshly piling up further carnage in the nautical pasture, Spanish picaroons have vowed to descend on Dover beaches “by the next century or sooner.” For those of you keeping score at home that’s only 85 years away.
Meanwhile the London Stock Exchange has seen brilliant gains, unsurpassed during recorded history. (Yesterday the exchange registered an unparalleled 141- point explosion in heavy trading just before the wire.)
Most brokers on the floor at the time the Armada ran aground admitted that they had not known about another attempt to invade their shores. Mass reaction moments after the freak announcement ran from horrid mumblings to the ever-popular “Good Show Old Man” and “Chin Up Matilda”, a pip saying borrowed from the Australians.
The final demise of Spanish sea power came crashing down in the late afternoon as thousands from Dublin to Cork watched from their barstools. By nightfall a flotilla of cold-water pirogue boats had already swooped in and made quick work of any survivors. By morning there was no indication that the fleet had ever existed. Before nightfall the pirogues, under a Carthaginian flag and seriously overloaded with Libyan crawfish, clumsily capsized only inches from the crowded, seedy harbor, sending hundreds of momentary victors straight down to the ocean’s floor. `- Kashmir Horseshoe
