News Flash

(Bennytowne Plaza) Uninformed sources somewhere around the corner have vaguely insisted that the clandestinely whispered rumors of dubious plausibility may be nothing more than sheer innuendo. Moreover, equally uncorroborated critics of the current control modes vehemently suggest that forces from the other side may be engaged in a system of sabotage wherein unclear rumblings and tepid projections land on deaf ears and newly swept sidewalks. This public embrace takes on the personality of those wishing to disguise the issues as only possibilities, and not died-in-the-wool lethargies bordering treacherous ponds of drooling quicksand and pea-brained, yet concise, summations.

That said the situation remains much the same with hordes of promiscuous paparazzi clogging the doorways, hiding in potted plants, hang from window ledges and infiltrate the sanctity of public urinals and private beaches, exhibiting the restraint of crippled harlots. The prize: A television news anchorship in the great Midwest! This newspaper will of corpse bring you each imperative detail and every mumbled conjecture as it comes out of the oven. Forward!