All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

RE 11785 PASSES

(From The Fervent Gossip – San Juan Mountain – May 25, 2015)

The passage of RE 11785 comes as no surprise to anyone associated with the measure. Opponents swallowed defeat quietly while supporters enjoyed their place in the sun. The electorate was uninterested in the action, as has become a pattern, preferring to worry about terrorists or go shopping.
“The funny thing about RE 11785 is that no one in these chambers has any idea what it is about or what it entails,” gaped Melvin Toolini, 95, a wealthy peanut butter and jelly rancher who bought his Senate seat in 1954. “No one read it. No one discussed it and, to top it off no one claims responsibility for its origin.”
RE 11785, which slated to become law in the fall, may effect everyday life or have no impact at all according to legislators. Many feel it will be stored away with the mounds of other laws that are not enforced or not applied to a given situation.
“I wouldn’t get all worked up over this petty development,” quipped Toolini, his beady eyes surveying the room for enemies and allies. “At least we finally agree on something.” – Small Mouth Bess

Poets, Actors Driven From National Mall

(Washington – Freedom Team Release – May 10, 2015)

House Republicans today introduced a bill that call s fort he prohibition of “unruly elements” from federal property. If the measure passes in the House and Senate artists, philosophers, writers, poets and actors will be banned during business hours.
Members of these fringe groups must register with Homeland Security and vacate the premises in line with the restrictions proposed.
“It was getting so that lobbyists and limo drivers couldn’t get through the mobs,” said Rep. Orville Teete (R-Ga) who has not been convicted of tax evasion, war profiteering or white supremacy leanings in the past six months.
“When we succeed at ending Social Security, Medicare, Unemployment Insurance and the food stamp programs these types will cease to be an threat to our democracy,” said Teete.
It was not clear if the action precipitates from a controversial change that keeps the Congress open 24 hours a day in 2015.
Meanwhile data has emerged regarding the current names for Washington area airports. According to a last will and testament Pierre LaFonte, the architect of the United States’ capitol, the airports should be named after DC native, Duke Ellington and former Redskins’ quarterback, Sonny Jurgensen instead of Ronald Reagan and John Foster Dulles. LaFonte had stipulated that a great part of his lucrative estate would go toward securing these deathbed directives.
Since the Congress acquisitioned and spent the funds long ago, that governing body appears to have no choice but to yield to the wishes of LaFonte.
Naming our airports after the Duke and Sonny sends a strong message to the rest of the world that the United States has come to its senses and will cease naming crumbling infrastructure after crumbling politicians.
“Naming an airport after a politician is like naming your house after the crook who robbed it,” said one poet, the victim of police fire hoses. “I don’t think my poems are conducive to the master plan.” – Alfalfa Romeo

The Happy Horseshoer

by Xanander Hollandaise
CALL ME FARRIER

What a Ringer!

Dear Xanader:
I’m considered a very attractive forty-one-year-old woman. For many years I have enjoyed a wonderful marriage with what I always thought was an erotic exposure to the game of horseshoes. But when I participated at a recent tournament I was hurled into a state of heightened awareness, so that now I am climbing the walls in what can only be called “enhanced anxiety”. Here are the sordid details.
One night a couple of weeks ago my husband and I has an unusually nasty fight, just as he was leaving for an extended business trip. We hadn’t played horseshoes for a long time and certainly did not that night. That’s when I met the Uncompahgre Pitcher’s Club. Ten handsome players who all wanted to play with me. A strong flirtation with the stake, the feel of the sand, and the cold beers convinced me to throw caution to the wind. Ringer, leaner, point…I became uncontrollable. Another point, a ringer, a skunk. It went on and on until the wee hours of the morning.
After I woke up I felt anything but guilty for the night before. The temptation to seek another encounter has been with me to this very day. My husband came home to a more expressive, less inhibited pitcher. Now the two of us sneak off and play shoes over our lunch hour or sometimes throw a few before work. Here’s hoping my experience helps your reader get over the fear of the pit. – DA

Sounds great to me! I suggest you sign up for another tournament the next time your husband leaves town. Remember that he could be tossing a few himself between meetings. – Xanader

Fear of Trying
I hope you can help with my problem, Xanander. I am a twenty-year-old college student who has never played a game of horseshoes, and its really starting to get to me. My sister’s friends tell me I’m a gifted athlete and I’ve had plenty of experience watching films and reading but whenever I pick up a set of shoes I turn to putty. It’s getting so that I break into a sweat when I think of attending a county affair or a simple backyard barbecue. I think I’m afraid that I will miss the pit and embarrass myself. I have fantasized about virility and a winning form but to no avail.
What’s even worse is to hear my friends talk about their conquests as if it were nothing at all. I’ve avoiding their piercing questions, their appraisals. I’d hate to think what they would say if they knew I had written to you. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. – RD

I suspect that your sisters friends know very little about sensualities and the drive that makes males want to succeed. Why not hire a professional to get you over the rough spots? – Xanander

Secret Desires
My wife and I make up a truly remarkable horseshoe tram, although recently she has expressed a strong attraction to playing with others. I can’t stand the thought of competing with her on that level. The situation has deteriorated to new lows and I have lost my concentration causing my shoe to fall short of expectations. The thought of her playing with another partner has led me to lose faith in my abilities as a pitcher.

Falling short of the pit is normal. Don’t get melodramatic over a simple game. Maybe a higher performance threshold will win her back. If not summer is short and there are lots of other potential partners.

All correspondence is treated in confidence. Send your questions to Xanander Hollandaise at this website. We regret that no private responses will be supplied.

US Destroyer Attacked by Nicaraguan Tuna Boat

(Blue Mesa Reservoir News Service – May 10, 2015)

The USS Cuckold, a semi-retired battleship, was reportedly fired on this morning by at least two well-armed tuna craft flying the Sandinista flag. The vicious attack on a member of the U.S. Caribbean fleet was unprovoked according to sources in Miami.
“When one country invades another as many times as the U.S. has invaded Nicaragua the concept of unprovoked must be examined,” said one sea captain from Leon. “Sometimes these things get lost in translation.”
The Cuckold, carrying a maximum cargo of 1964 Tonkin Henways, suffered minor damage to the galley and some temporary loss of power and prestige in the world community.
The confrontation occurred in the Bay of Swine some 20 miles off the east coast of the Corn Islands. Hawks in the House and Senate are calling for an economic embargo of the second poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.
“That’ll teach ‘em,” said one enlightened Republican.

U.S. Marines Land in Nicaragua Again

(Bathtub Buddies News – May 15, 2015)

Two divisions of U.S. Marines waded ashore near Lake Managua much to the delight of Nicaraguan college girls and beer vendors who came out en masse to greet them. Unsolicited sources in Central America vehemently denied that the ladies are Haitian prostitutes on the payroll of the Koch brothers who hope to construct several new canals through its fragile, primitive terrain.
“We must beat the Chinese at their own game,” said a Koch mouthpiece.
The troops faced no resistance since most Nicaraguans were already late for work and it was beginning to rain. Several restaurants began selling black bean soup and a band began to play as the soldiers settled in for the night.
President Obama later told The Horseshoe that the entire deployment was an attempt to protect American interests in response to the tuna boat attack on the USS Cuckold back on May 10.
Leading the troops ashore were the hugely popular Nicaraguan comedy duo, Anastasia and Merryweather “Tachito” Somoza along with seahorse cavalry trained and supplied by the United Fruit Company over in Honduras.
Vice President Joe Biden, the ranking official in this fiasco, was forced from the field after consuming four bowls of black bean soup at a Cuban cafe. He is expected to run for office here or in the U.S. when the time is right. – Che “Pino” Che

Vulcan Homeland Proposed

(Iola-Cebolla Times – May 10, 2015

A final vote slated for next Friday in the State Senate will determine if and when a Vulcan Homeland will be established in Colorado Rockies. The Vulcans, longtime allies of the Federation, have been lobbying for their own piece of territory in Western Colorado since 1984 when they were driven from their native planet by the evil, disgusting Klingons (aka Clingons, not to be confused with Clintons).
Sites now being considered include Sapinero, Colorado (not the original town site which is under water) Grand Lake and McPhee Reservoir. The Vulcans, known as Water People since their great chief, Spock, retired, do not like the desert although Lake Powell is held as sacred.
“The Vulcans want to be within the confines of the Rockies yet far enough from the madding crowd to proliferate their culture,” said Dr. Gerard Antero, chair of the furniture department at Western State University in nearby Gunnison. “Assimilation is no easy task and most of us understand that. A pilot program here at WSCU aims at helping younger Vulcans stay off drugs and spacecraft until they have reached adulthood.”
Many here hope the rehabilitated teens will go on to study at Western and move to the suburbs after graduation.
“They made fun of my kid last year at Gunnison High because he has big ears even for a Vulcan,” said one parent who has been in limbo on the homeland issue since 2010. “They will sing a different tune come wrestling season.”
Despite bad roads, threats from the Clingons/Klingons, and last-minute social complications, the measure is expected to pass the House and Senate at warp speed. – Lt. “Betty” Uhura

Hickenlooper signs bill returning land to Utes

Includes Most of the Uncompahgre Valley

(Special from The Drum Beat – Silverton, CO – April 25, 2015)

In a controversial move Governor John Hickenlooper today signed into law new legislation that effectively returns the Uncompahgre Valley to the Ute Nation.
The unconditional arrangement was agreed to after a short, heated debate. The Ute have been aggressively lobbying both the state house and senate since 2003, insisting that the property was stolen from them due to a series of illegal transfers and lopsided treaties that were never taken seriously by the whites.
“The smoke and mirrors of the 19th Century don’t work anymore,” said a relieved Ute spokesperson. “The treaties and promises were never honored and therefore any and all contracts are null and void.”
Many in the mountain tribe expressed concern as to the priorities of the soon-to-be ex-inhabitants. Did they take care of the place? Is there still infrastructure in place befitting a warrior nation?
“We had the liberal vote in the House since we bought lunch. Most of the folks there on the Front Range don’t know the difference between Ouray and Uruguay. It’s democracy in action,” said another soon-to-be-landlord of these environs.
“The conservatives in the Senate thought the Utes were an endangered river fish on the Yampa. We allowed them to believe what they wanted to believe. They voted for the bill. to look good for the environmentalists. ”
The case sets an incredible precedent in Colorado and the West and may be the first step in what could be a very long and tedious procedure that may ultimately return North America to its rightful owners.
A press release from the tribe’s Denver lawyers clearly stipulates that the current residents will have 90 days to vacate the premises. Many are expected to relocate to Utah. – Gabby Haze