All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

Vatican “Holding” Cash for Second Coming

(Special to The Horseshoe from Rome – April 25, 2015)

Pope Francis has addressed the massed wealth of the Vatican in light of hungry constituents around the world. In his annual Easter Message the populist pontiff told a crowd in St Peter’s Square that the church was saving the money for the Second Coming.
“When Jesus returns he’ll need a little spending money and we are busy securing those funds for him,” said Pope Francis. “We can’t have the man out begging or performing miracles just to eat,” he said, in direct reference to the great prophet’s return to earth at an undisclosed time.
When asked how much money will be given as compared to how much is in the coffer the Pope declined to answer suggesting interested parties contact Cardinal Mario Plata over at the Vatican Treasury.
The Pontiff then said that the status of the fortune stashed here was unclear and that he planned to earmark half for distribution among the poor.
“And not just Catholics,” offered Plata. “Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews and even Protestants are on the Vatican radar.”
Sources here continue to struggle over who gets what when the floodgates open.
“It’s kind of like a big family deciding on who gets what after the death of a patriarch or matriarch except we are talking about millions of people and quite a chunk of change.”
Francis’ recent pronouncement on the validity of climate change and a directory of what practicing Catholics should do to confront the problem, is sure to anger plenty of deniers in their pompous pews from Dublin to Darwin. – Melvin Toolini

Macramé Hemp Condoms the Rage

(Western Colorado Crafts – Ridgway, CO – April 25, 2015)
In 2003 Wanda Epsonne was waitressing at the Wimpton Truckstop during the day and taking in laundry in the afternoon just to make ends meet. Now, thanks to growing public health awareness and the mastery of an ancient art Epsonne is knocking down seven figures.
Her cottage industry: Macramé condoms made from distilled hemp that she sells all over the world. The operation, employing 100 people and turning out 35,000 hemp/rubber sheaths per day, has drawn applause from some and criticism from others.
“We’re always looking for good workers,” said Epsonne, turning the interview into a help wanted advertisement. “The position requires someone who can macramé fast and has a sense of humor to go with it.”
Despite efforts to regulate the sale of the controversial items most are purchased by tobacco companies, seeking to diversify in the light of anti-smoking campaigns and a drop in sales.
“They have pulled out of the heavy tobacco manufacturing and embraced the burgeoning birth control market,” said Epsonne. “although our condoms are more than that. Who knows the level of functionality when these boys get done adding filters and chemicals? They lied once and they are doing it again.”
Sales are creeping up but 35,000 macramé condoms are quite a boatload. Epsonne says she hopes to stop reliance on tobacco companies to make her nut.
“We are reaching the cream of the crop, the people that know a good thing when they see it, but then there are the others, the sheep out there, that need a little two by four action. Most don’t even know what LSMFT means. Dumb bastards.”
A former Trojan cheerleader (USC), Epsonne moved to Western Colorado in 1998 searching for gold and a husband. Her first gutty venture, a home for displaced pigeons, never got off the ground while her choice of men left her waddling near bankruptcy.
The idea to create macramé condoms grew out of a desire to jumpstart the hemp industry while relieving the already overtaxed rubber plantations of Malaysia and Borneo.
“We want to create wanted jobs not unwanted children,” she said, “and make a fortune doing it.” – Susie Compost

SHIRTSLEEVE ECONOMIST VISITS SLOPE

(Who’s on First National Bank Release — April 25, 2015)

Financial sage and best selling author Harry Skekels was in Montrose Friday to undress the dwindling Full Optimist Club of the Uncompahgre Flood Plain and honored guests from the Disappointment Valley.
In an upbeat pep talk Skekels succeeded in rousing the audience, spilling his tomato soup and almost swallowing a gavel left behind by the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution. Somehow he persevered, getting a very heavy message across to the assembled coherent.
“The key to a grassroots economic recovery is a bulging bank account,” explained the moneyman. “It is true enlightenment in evening clothes.”
Skekels then asked those still moving for their ideas on where their money goes each month, generating snickers into the Jell-O salad and warmed up coffee.
“How?” he bellowed, seriously infringing on the slumber of the assembled. “By refraining from payments, reimbursements, retributions, and the general overhead of daily living. In short, chided Skekels, “continue to rob Peter, as has been the custom, just don’t pay Paul.”
Skekels then went into a lengthy scenario where a family of four stopped going to the grocery, stopped purchasing gasoline, halted payment of utility bills, avoided buying clothing and became real life non-consumers in a mega-consumer culture. He promised his audience that the family saved $53,000 per year on unnecessary expenditures.
“I’m not much on all this hungry romance with the non-essential while ignoring the elements of basic survival,” he smiled. “In more specific terms, we all may have to develop a taste for the scenery.”
Skekels will tour several leading banks today then head off to speak in Paradox on April 31.

Potholes Gobble Up Seasonal Victims

(Hub Doins – Montrose, Colorado – April 25, 2015)
Gaping potholes on local highways have consumed more than 15 victims since the snow melted, according to Harvey Birdseed, Executive Director of Pavement and Drifting for Western Colorado. Among confirmed losses are Alvin Gnatt, 59, of Gunnison and Thelrod Fern-Hinklemann 67 of Delta who fell from a steep ledge while climbing out of particularly carnivorous pothole yesterday.
Mryna Mirth, the former Miss Log Hill Mesa in 1974, and well-known gymnast Princess Irm Peawitt, have been declared missing since not returning to their designated trailer bunker earlier this week.
Other victims are out-of-stators and of no concern to this publication. Each spring hundreds of fatalities are caused by potholes, small, hungry animals that live deep down in the pavement. Waking up from hibernation, dazed and angry, their first bloody thoughts are of a good meal.
The highway department has attempted to eradicate these violent pests by the use of land mines and drones but have only succeeded in displacing civilians. Patch jobs only last through the fall or until potholes resurface with the return of the winds.
In addition to the pothole menace Western Colorado motorists should also be aware that windshield season begins on the full moon. This ultra-unpopular time is characterized by flying rocks and broken glass. Spraying has helped but the insidious problem lies within the ranks of the tiny pebble community that comes alive with the presence of any new windshield in an estimated 50-mile radius.
Experts have thrown in the towel in this one saying that rotating tires and changing one’s oil will do nothing to combat the cracks and chips that accompany this short, yet gruesome season. Night driving has become increasingly dangerous as the pebbles are undetectable and can do damage not discovered until morning.
– Tommy Middlefinger

Local Firm Awarded Honduras

(Paonia Piggie – April 25, 2015)
Koch Brothers Industries has just awarded itself the Central American country of Honduras. In an unprecedented move the firm took control of the former nation Friday, deporting the entire population.
“It was a dress rehearsal for what’s coming up in “America”,” said a clandestine lobbyist for the new colonist.
Rumors circulating lofty circles suggested that Dick Cheney might be tapped as CEO, but those were vehemently denied by lawyers for the Koch Brothers.
“We are running a clean invasion and prefer to distance ourselves from the former vice President,” said an attorney on the beach in Honduras.
Where the displaced people will go is not clear. Many have taken to sleeping on the floor at the United Nations. – Holly Burton

New Highways, Free Parking To Aid Tourism

Gubernatorial Spelling Bee – Montrose, CO — April 25, 2015
Free parking in Colorado’s National Forests and on state highways will go a long way toward making tourists feel welcome this summer according to Governor John Hickenlooper. Speaking in downtown Cahone, the state’s chief executive shared plans to purchase used highways from Texas and slap a tariff on goods coming into the state from Oklahoma.
“Our current highways are terrible. They don’t stand a chance with our brutal weather,” he said. “Who in their right mind is going to bump and tumble their way from Cortez to Burlington on chuckholes, buckled asphalt and rocks?” These are topographic nightmares meant for sheep and locals not money-spending visitors.”
Funds generated from the new tariffs should be plenty to cover the new highway acquisitions. Traditionally highways don’t retain much resale value and states don’t expect to recover expenses on used roadways.
“Most are in the bargain bin or left out on some back lot to rot, or whatever old highways do,” said an aide to Hickenlooper, who had now retired for an afternoon siesta. “The simple fact remains that their used highways are far better than out new ones.”
Not only are the discarded highways coming our way, Texas is even throwing in the road signs and exit ramps. The Lone Star State is demanding a surcharge (a little extra y’all fee) on bending the highways to accommodate curves and drops of various proportions. The Texas highways will be hauled to Colorado by the millions of four-wheelers that visit the Rockies each summer.
“We hope someone takes our efforts seriously,” cuffed the aide. “We’re tired of being seen as just another hungry mouth to feed in the gravy train parade.”
Hickenlooper plans a visit to Japan in May to promote this spruced-up Colorado as a pleasant and beautiful place to negotiate by automobile. For centuries the Japanese have shown a strong preference for Utah due in part to cultural and religious ties but these norms appear to be shifting in the favor of the Centennial State. – Fred Zeppelin