Surfing Finals Blacked Out Again

(Angel Beach Times – February 29,   2016)

The 2016 Whirled Surfing Championships will not be televised this summer since there are still unsold seats, according to Sandy Maque, vaguely familiar surfing legend and promoter of the event.

Unreliable sources say only 3000 tickets have been purchased with only two days until the opening ceremonies. Standing room only crowds, which are not factored into the operating capital, should again exceed 10,000 on Saturday and Sunday.

“We hate to be such pricks about this but we have major expenses looking us in the face,” said Maque.

Maque acknowledged that fans in the mountain states will be particularly disappointed by the decision,” said the former bathing beauty from Pomona.

“Our program is often the closest they might have been to the waves all year. But we have to limit expenses. It costs a pretty penny to organize these championships. The water bill alone is staggering.”

Bored members of the Whirled Surfing Association, concerned that the situation is far from improving, have threatened to relocate the surfing event and related oceanographic gymnastics to northern Iowa in 2017.

– Rex Montaleone

“And you can trust me because I never lie and I’m always right.”  

-George Tirebiter, campaigning for dog catcher, on Firesign Theater