Rocket Soup

Should Medicare cover Bronco Season Tickets? Dial Ask-Jake and talk directly to the people in the know. (March   2016)

No more pompadour Hubbell! No more flat-top moon shots! We now have semi-naked photographs of Kim Jong Il taken from outer space with photon sieve, an advanced “take a little off the top” technology developed for razor cut spy missions that works in hair removal and glass blowing. Quickie Clean application. Better than life reproduction. Why settle for a regular trim in the age of nuclear energy? Thousands of stylists on duty. Walk-ins welcome. Glasses and Neru coat slightly extra. North Korean Holidays.

Will trade delicious kimchi recipes for missile delivery system. Contact Kim Jong Il c/o the United Nations.

We are continue to enforce the standing moratorium on arts and crafts booths inside Eisenhower Tunnel through spring. Status and validity of produce and fish shacks will be determined by demand . No more warnings. CDOT.

Looking for athletic man or woman to jump out of Cadillac traveling at speeds up to 75 miles per hour. Automatic transmission, power steering included. Good pay. Bathtub Speedway.

Support Wireless Border Security today and keep those people out. Just because your families came from somewhere else doesn’t mean we need any more foreigners in this country. Support the Bush-Cheney Plan. Join a boy scout militia near you now!

For sale: Rich assortment of medieval Gargoyles guaranteed to keep Dick Cheney away. Sam the Sham, Jackson, WY.

Heloise: Please call Abelard on the Pope’s cell phone.

Recovering Born Agains: Rid yourself of spiritual parasites without denial, powder or counseling. In only three minutes per day you can talk yourself out of what you talked yourself into in the first place. Make sense? Send cash contribution to Lestor Ribald. I am in league with the devil and the deep blue sea. – ad paid for by The Bogeyperson.

Hunt buffalo right from your seat. Weekly tours. Amtrak. We’re in the Jello Pages.

Looking for effective software to treat erectile dysfunction? We can help. Brotherhood of Congressional Lobbyists, Warshington. Remember: If you experience erections lasting over three months consult your social worker.

Digital Gregorian chant for the masses? Don’t be left out. Vote NO on Wireless Gay Marriage.

Your local Brothel Broker currently entertaining sale of several properties in Thailand, Amsterdam and Nevada. Serious inquiries only. Escrow payment to see books and anything else you may require. Prices vary. Listings around the world. Maps gratis. Creative real estate for the 21st Century. No brokers on the weekends. www.whorehouseventures.com

Convicted of aggravated assault and can’t get credit? Dial 56. Credit for Cons. Andersonville, Ga.

Public notice: The popular circus act “Jungle Jim’s African Lions” will now be doing business as “The African Lions”. Furthermore the remaining ensemble will no longer be responsible for the private debts of James “Jungle Jim” Tamer. (9/1/06).

Temporary facelifts for the holidays. Dial 5 and hold it.

Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon is back from Arizona for the winter and will be serving Saguache County whenever a Free Trade Agreement is ratified. Until then check out our outlets in the Sonoran Desert next to Minuteman Artillery installations. No sales to illegal immigrants after sunset.

Did many of your trees lose their leaves back in October or November. Stressed? Don’t blame yourself. Send $10 to Melvin O’Toole, Tree Surgeon, for information on what you can do to help. Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427. Cash is OK.

Lost: My rack at Gunnison Elks Bingo. If you accidentally picked up the wrong one please contact John Bull at Mammy’s in Lake City. I need it for late rutting and so I am not mistaken for a trout.

Fencing master needed for Ridgway Gentleman’s Ranch. 5 years work guaranteed. Experience in steel fabrication, embellishment in wood and stone mason fakery helpful. Send CVC to Bovine Boutique in Ridgway. No sword swallowers or Irish.

Arab extras needed for Haliburton film Iraq. Six month commitment. Daily payment in cash. Insurance, equipment, transportation provided. Secure compound in gated city of Baghdad. Call Haliburton in Malfunction.

Will trade nuclear secrets for cup of rice. Contact Ping Pong Moon in Pyongyang.

Safe Cracking Seminar: Holiday bills got you down already? Do something about it. Learn to break into safes, skirt security alarms, leap tall buildings at a single bound…Testosterone Brothers Financial. We have answers for you!

Why is the NFL Comeback Player of the Year Award sponsored by Viagra?

Christian swingers meets at Salvation Creek in Ridgway every Wednesday until something else develops. Bring your own rope.

Is your dog smarter than you? Close the credibility gap with secret night classes aimed at helping you catch up. Common sense, general knowledge, survival, adaptability, logic. Respond: Dogs Who Love Tequila, Wimpton.

Need person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday until spring. Applicant must have valid driver’s license and submit to simple vision test. No mystics. Demonstrated ability to get along with long-term clientele is a plus. Stop by in person (turn right at the dead end) and ask for Mr. Curtains.

Final scores: Silverton Hypochondria 5, Myopic Fields 4; Meade 12, Dog Fowl 0. More on the men’s room wall.

’71 Landcruiser. Runs great $4500. 100 miles per gallon possible. Free air in tires. Interior inside car. Goes up trees on demand. Once driven by Lyndon B. Johnson. 240-9309. Ottt-7 prices in Ottt-6! Buy it now before my daughter turns it into a girl’s car. May trade for three to five shedding trout or lucrative asparagus futures.

Invade Hashishistan Now! If we wait we’ll only have to invade it later! Out of the U.N. too. Unclear Americans for Nuclear Solutions, Lincoln-Davis Circle, St. Branson View, Missouri

Found: Pair of full figure panty hose near Ophir Loop. To claim please leave description with Earl at the post office.

Chog eggs. $60 per dozen. Hybrid Farms, Colona.

Tired of that tedious weekly trip to the grocery? Tune in to the Clone Shopping Network and select full color pictures of prime meats, fresh looking vegetables, packaged goods and dangerous notions. All are available 23 hours a day 358 days a year!. Your stomach doesn’t take a vacation and neither should your wallet. No delivery after dark in neighborhoods north of the demilitarized zone.

Can you name 25 fun things to do in Utah without wearing pants? Send response to Crosby, Stills, Smith and Young at Fish Lake.

He’s Not Coming Back – Get Used To It! bumper stickers: 2 for $1 while supplies last exclusively at The Savior Complex in Manana. We are no longer associated with Nuke Telluride Bumper Sticker and Things Boutique of Rico.

Jail bait wild flowers by the bushel or bouquet. We told you earlier not to take the pretty flowers even if “they are gonna die anyhoot”. All snails final. Marshal Paxter Jed at Marmotass Pass. Transportation for the chubby provided at 18%.

Anyone caught loitering at the Golden Apocalypse Bone Yard and Holding Facility could face severe prosecution. Repeat offenders could face tear gas, a good beating or buckshot. Our celebrity clientele deserve eternal rest too. Grave Robbing is a crime. Pharaoh Towing, Olathe.

ay-offs and receive rare footage of Jake’s interceptions in Pop Warner and Junior High. Not available in Arizona.

Western Colorado Lions pot-luck. Bring your own poodle. December 24 at Lions Park in Montrose.

COWBOY CLASSIFIEDS

JACK OF ALL TRADES General dealer in hardware, spurs, hoop skirts, dry goods, molasses, putty, cakes, grindstones, etc. Also teeth extracted for less, corns burned, shoes mended. Ned Buttman, Ames.

Needed: Night watchman for the Wyoming Territory. Looking for man who can work by himself, set own hours, provide monthly reports on the state of things up there. Emile Turlo, Crested Butte.

Will the woman who’s looking for wranglers to herd UFOs off her Montrose ranch please contact Red Babbs at the QBC Ranch in Colona. You can’t have UFOs because this is 1889 and they haven’t been imagined yet…that we know of. Maybe you should call an exorcist. However, I happen to be rustling work and would accept position as cowpuncher. Resume upon request.

Will the British fella that spent last week at Ruby’s Dude Ranch please retrieve his britches. We’re an entertainment facility not a storehouse. After all these years of business the girls and I have never seen such a pair and failure to contact us will result in their display in the parlor window come Christmas of ’85. Ruby.

Need wrangler to escort sacred cows from Ft. Worth to Abilene. Good pay and bonus at the end of the drive. Carl Waco c/o Grapevine Stockyards.

Silent partner needed for bank heist January 30. Great pay if all goes well. Must have own tools and be handy with a sidearm. Anonymous drifted preferred but will consider family man or elected official in need. Cole Younger, Monegaw Springs, MO.

Ed’s Fly Repellent. $2 a can. Guaranteed. Ohio City Store.

Exhausted and burned out gold digger, 22, seeks stable position in honest profession. Will consider restaurant work or livery attendant. I’ve been told I have very attractive legs if that makes any difference to ya. Betsy Bilkflower, Parrot City.

Sick of sagebrush and coyotes? British Empire seeks to repatriate former subjects for work in expansion of influence by force. Exotic travel to South Africa, India and Ireland. Good pay and citizenship in a growing concern. Lord Admiral Quelpp, Mercy Beet Hall, London SW.

The 7th Cavalry is searching for entrance level trainees for reconnaissance work in South Dakota. Major Roy Custer, Bighorn Acres, Rapid City. No realtors.

Need a set of 1883 henway headlights for my palomino and a drive train for my saddle. Can’t afford much on wrangler’s pay. John J. John, Spring Creek Herefords.

Fully matured, reimported whiskies by the glass. Beer imported all the way from St Joseph. Faro, race results by wire, poker on Thursdays. Red’s Gravy Heaven, Gladstone, CO.

Dishwasher needed for thriving Telluride restaurant/bar. Looking for someone who is clean, organized, punctual and handy with his fists. Apply in person at the Senate Restaurant before 1886.

Homesteaders: Free land in Colorado. Apply by February, 1889 and 40 acres is yours. Owner must occupy land 30 days following agreement to file records at appropriate Quart House. Must make acceptable improvements before January of 1890. EOE.

Trail boss needed for trip between Waco and Dodge. Must be bonded and have cow insurance. Horse provided if necessary (why put all those miles on your own horse?) $100 per month includes all the biscuits and coffee you can muster. Howard Appleton, HA HA Ranch, Lake City.

Want to rub elbows with Utes? A reception for Chief Ouray will be held at the Odd Fellows Hall in Uncompahgre City on March 7, 1879. Bring a covered wagon.

Store teeth for sale or lease. Hardly used. Dr. Harmony Chios. Upstairs the marshal’s office, Placerville.

Tin Cup town council seeks capable sheriff for fun loving gold camp. Last four gunned down. Term extends from now till 1890 when we will re-negotiate contract. Includes living quarters and bullets. Chance to move up. Decent pay and insurance. Send telegram to same. We’ll pick you up in Almont.

Experienced proctologist needed for marathon cattle drive. Day work. Sam Mustache, Sneffels, CO.

Half bison, half longhorn puppies. Free to good home. Ask at the Ouray Livery.

Wanted: Modern 1890s-type woman to move to our gold camp. No funny business…we just want to look at you and maybe ask you to dance. Private quarters and buggy. 100 lonely miners, Gothic.

Roommate wanted for 1972 Chrysler New Yorker. Private entrance. No utilities. Prefer short person who does not snore. George Roscoe Lovinggood, somewhere in Alaska.

Adopt a nuclear submarine. Hundreds of cuddly subs now docked in unsecured harbors through the Ukraine. Urgent situation for the right family. Box 599, Horseshoe.

DOG CATCHER needed for Pea Green and vicinity. Prefer someone with culinary background. Pastry chef would be perfect. Executive Chefs Placement, Wimpton.

Denver Nugget Cheerleader Counseling. Thursdays under the Tomichi Creek Bridge. Pay as you go, Gunnison Hibernians.

Anachronistic iconoclast paralyzed from the neck up seeks foxy female companion for winter solitude. Make sense to you? Call me at my 800 number and leave a massage.

I will flip coins for special events: football games, assassinations, weddings, funerals bar mitzvahs. Al Gore, Washington.

Yuppies wanted for experiments with cleaning fluid. Pay by the day. Insurance after a week. Box 615, Gunnison. No real estate agents please.

We have in our possession about 1.5 million dollars worth of marijuana left in a brown paper sack behind the Anarchist Booth at the Revolutionary Breakfast Consortium Wednesday. Owner may claim by describing buds. Please come to the Montrose (CA) Police Department to claim. No phone calls.