DOLPHINS ACTUALLY HATE PEOPLE

Recent research strongly suggests that dolphins actually hate people disrupting a long held belief that they like us.

(Water World UPS) Emerging information as to the true feelings of dolphins strongly suggests an underlying resentment of human intrusion in the seas. The fish, long thought to be friends, even allies of man, have done an about face, saying that co-existence with humans has become almost impossible these days.

Most of the problem centers on the extra stress created when resort hotels encourage guests to swim with the dolphins. Programs like this, which involve lots of touching by fat, aggressive all-inclusives, have resulted in decreased mental aptitude and overall depression within the dolphin population. Even fish that do not come in contact with people are affected by the behavior of their peers.

“When hotels force dolphins to swim around with people all day it creates incredible stress,” said Barbara Bottlenose, a piscatorial scientist at Cal Polygamy, on the West Coast. “At first it was an hour or two per week, then every day, now eight to ten hours a day. Too much touchy-feely.”

Bottlenose went on to say that the fish feel no affection for humans and that they only tolerate them due to survival instincts and distraction value.

“The dolphin is amused by the floundering human in the water,” she said. “All the mumbo-jumbo about dolphins rescuing humans from sharks is just that. In fact the fish do like us more than they like sharks but only slightly. They feel like they are being treated like common cod.”

When asked where she got her data Bottlenose held her nose, bubbled and simulated submergence into a body of water.

Biologists have long noted a gradual loss of interest among the fish population in further one-sided exchanges with humans. They say employing dolphins as beasts of burden as well as the practice of eating the species is not helping the relationship.

Dolphin communication abilities, documented to be at about the junior high school level, have long thought to be compatible with those of humans but what they have been saying may not be complimentary.

“Through my studies of conversational dolphin I have established that they aren’t smiling at us either,” said Bottlenose. “How would you feel about somebody that wanted to swim laps with you one day then served you up on a toasted bun with lettuce and mayo the next?”

– Kashmir Horseshoe