Ex-Governor Toole “Stable” After Exploratory Amputation

(Cody, WY — AMA Newsletter #611 — May 26, 2016)

Former Wyoming Governor, Melvin Seymoure-Toolebottom III, was listed in stable to good condition this morning after yesterday’s amputation of his head. The surgery, conducted to terminate the spread of infectious thinking, was deemed successful at the time of this release.
The virus-generated infection reportedly ran from his mouth all the way through the back of Toolebottom’s occipital muscle and upward embracing his cerebral falx. These organs were found to be in severely degenerated condition prompting the doctors to amputate without further ado.
“Now it’s up to the pharmaceutical gods and good grace,” said one surgeon after the ordeal.
Besides the life-threatening malady Toolbottom also suffered from a nasty case of wind gangrene and chronic trout breath syndrome which doctors feel “will subside with the removal of all matter higher than his shoulders.”
Toolbottom is currently undergoing bad food and television therapy, a treatment perfected by Mao Clinic during the Long March in 1934-35. Prior to the surgery he was a violent and angry patient. Now he is relaxed and cooperative, according to attending nurses on duty.
“He hurled bedpans at televisions and climbed up the drapes,” explained one doctor. “Then he tried to sabotage the hospital regimen by ordering a pizza rather than dine with the rest of the ailing and recovering clientele. That’s when all authority broke down and we decided to cut.”
Toolbottom recently alarmed political cronies in the Equality State when he suggested that everyone work together for the common good and stop being so selfish in their daily lives.
“That, my friends, is a bad apple talking….one that must be removed from the barrel before it ruins the harvest,” said the doctor. “I didn’t spend all that money and all that time in medical school for anyone’s common good.”

– Small Mouth Bess