Thousands Trapped Inside TVs

(Gladstone, CO — Cultural Wastelands Press —  August 10, 2015)

Thousands, perhaps more of your favorite broadcast icons are being held prisoner inside television sets it was disclosed this morning. Actors, news anchors, game show entourages, afternoon soap stars, weight-loss gurus and cartoons, held against their will inside the boxes and flat screens are half-starved, deprived of sleep and routinely beaten by media Nazis on both sides of the political spectrum.
“This has little to do with applied politics. It’s more about bondage…bondage and control,” said Edwin Paar, who escaped the clutches of black and white television on the streets of Hollywood in 1956. Paar and others who have returned from depths of a seedy and decadent Television Land tell others of the awful fate that awaits chronic viewers to this day.
“How do you think they get all those fat people onto a flat screen?” asked Paar. “Is something wrong here?”
On-screen slavery followed by internment is more than most can handle. Snippets of information released by sadistic guards, aimed at tormenting already traumatized family members, have indicated that many of the incarcerated do not survive the Spartan lifestyle, expire, and have to be dumped out of the back of the television set in the dark of night.
“The world of bright lights and fantasy seduced them in the first place and now they get a heavy diet of what they thought they were searching for,” quipped Paar, himself a former talk show host who retired before the medium became a monster.
It is feared that many in a position to alleviate the problem are hesitant to take on the powerful television lobby. Several polled insist that a rescue would throw the fragile communications grid into a tailspin, one that it may not allow for recovery.
“We think a lot of these personalities, hacks and front men who have gotten themselves into this mess should get themselves out of it,” quacked Paar. “Besides the terrorists (Can we not call them terrorists?) will certainly shoot the hostages if we attempt a archetypal military assault, whatever that is.”
Authorities had considered stepping in when a series of short films surfaced on Who Tube showing talking heads without legs and a network climatologist forced to make meaningless, sweeping hand gestures far into the night.
Anyone who would like to help these poor unfortunates out of the television sets can send funds to Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427. Cash only. No pledges. – “Shroom DelFisher

“If all else fails you could always go to work for the gov’ment.”
– General US Grant to Robert E Lee, Appomattox Court House, April 9, 1865

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