Snubbed clowns threaten walkout days before circus season

More than 5000 traditional entertainers in the full regalia of exaggerated makeup and ridiculous costume descended on the Pea Green town hall Thursday demanding a redressing of longtime annoyances including poor pensions, dangerous workplaces and long hours.

In addition these militant clowns say jobs are disappearing and that even small children are not coming to see them anymore.

“The days of the bearded lady and the circus strongman are waining and fiscal security is melting away,” said a spokesperson for the Clown Union. “We must be recognized as an integral part of society and the respect due to our station as the original thespians.”

State and federal sources say they have begun a re-eduction plan for displaced victims of the diminishing bigtop, aimed at retraining these fuzzy haired, seltzer bottle spraying Americans. Already a vast cross-section have undergone primary training as politicians, preachers  and sports broadcasters.

One supportive entity told the Horseshoe that the strike “Cripples smiles at a time where we need them the most.

“This so-called clown protest threatens very social fabric of the nation and exposes irregularities and gaping holes in day to day survival of a misunderstood and grossly underpaid segment of our population. One can easily appraise a culture by the way it treats its clowns. When it comes to improving this sad story we are all in.”

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“One can easily appraise a culture by the way it treats its clowns.”

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Others disagree saying the clowns are spoiled and pampered while lion tamers and monkey acts bring home the bacon.

“They’ve got it good,” said one ringmaster. “We will not be intimidated by threats. We’ll just fill in the empty acts with elephants and high wire performances until these malcontents come to their senses.”

Many circus managers contend that over 100,000 Americans apply for entry level clown positions from Bar Harbor to Nogales.

“Moments after running an ad in the paper and get lines of hopefuls squeaking their horns and acting silly in the hopes of landing in sawdust and grease paint,” said one former acrobat now a three-ring executive.

“We’re tired of being taken as fools with red noses and big shoes. We are people too,” said a hastily presented list of grievances. “Seeking clarity and closure is our prime motive here,” continued the statement. “Then and only then will we return to being clowns.”

Local town council and school board officials have stepped up to volunteer to take the place of the striking performers until the matter is resolved.

– Tommy Middlefinger