PEBBLE SOUP

IN A FUNK THIS TIME OF THE YEAR? Here’s some advice to chase away the blues: 1.) Eat breakfast naked 2.) push a junk car off a 200-foot cliff 3.) Climb to the top of a cottonwood tree and make banana sounds. 4.) Eat a screen door 5.) Seduce someone at the feedlot. 6.) Wear sexy underwear in mixed company. Like these gems? Send for a complete Funk Fighter’s Guide available from Testosterone Brothers, Boston. We’re in the Jello Pages.

Leaving town for  bit? We will visquine and duct tape your house in case of terrorist attack. Reasonable, bonded. Ed’s Duct Tape and Visquine Ltd., Wimpton, Colorado.

Get your Honorary Law Degree from Bland Valley Sand and Gavel without leaving home. Computer correspondence programs to tapered for your budget and agenda. Classes now forming for spring semester. Applicants must have suit and brief case. Car helpful.

Read the small print: Colorado Hunting and Fishing Licenses carry with them a two-year military commitment. Now you can put your ass on the line just like the elk and the kokanee – Your friends at the Colorado Division of Wildlife, “Surveillance in the deep woods”.

Desperately need official lyrics to Little Latin Loupe Lou by Friday. Reward. Blind Box 399, Horseshoe.

Earn your auto mechanics certificate while working toward a PhD. in clinical psychology. Too easy? Call Shrinks and Manifolds for a catalogue today.

We need between seven and thirty-six persons capable of giving themselves a common cold. Extensive tests. Cash paid daily. Medical insurance possible. Retirement benefits if the ledger sheet balances. DR. Simon Lackluster, St Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital, All American City Roundabout.

Wanted: Men to lie to me about how beautiful I am and will become. Sarah, Littleton.

FOR SALE/TRADE: My pride. Was caught with my hands in the cookie jar and boy is my face red. See B. Lonie Sausage in Canon City. Visiting hours are posted on the website. Send more cookies.

Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will be in your locale sooner than you may think unless the wheels freeze up. It’s cholesterol free!

Cleaning lady needed for local slaughterhouse. Must have good sense of humor. No vegetarians or communists please. Mel’s Meat Mall in Gunnison.

Wanted: Man or woman to keep an eye on our town during AA meetings through the rainy season. Room and board plus small stipend, whatever that is. Box ARE, Horseshoe.

Help Wanted: Scout for wagon train headed west. Must be willing to travel back in time one hundred and fifty-five years or so. Risks include Indian attacks, flash floods, chronic drought, prairie fever, mountain passes and bad food. Great pay at 1880 standards. Ward Bond look-alike preferred. Drop us a note as phones don’t exist in this fantasy. Time Warp, Nevada (no zip codes yet either).

Why fight rush hour traffic daily when there are innovative ways to get to work on time? Call Enselmo’s Industrial Bunjy Cord for the recreational experience of a lifetime. Cures lisps and stuttering on contact. Custom work our specialty. Mexican Gulch.

Bike for sale: Boy’s 114 inch, 37-speed mountain variety. Too big and mathematically challenging for junior. Will consider trade for jumping beans or anything coated with Naugahyde. Sally Spokes, Almont.

Grow hair for major rug company and never work again. Dial 6.

Bagpiping enthusiast seeks potential mate familiar with a cappella performances sans kilt. Mac at the Horseshoe.

Don’t forget: November 4 is the final deadline for refunds from the 2012-2013 Unused Firewood Tax Credit Act. Stop by anytime.

Brain irrigation wanted: For small Western Slope town. Commission only but great working conditions. Some experience helpful but will train the right person. Send resume and references to Cahone Town Hall before March 31.

Cut up to three strokes per hole off your handicap with Dr. Bowen’s orthopedic spikes. Available everywhere sensible shoes are sold.