Mosquitoes Not Coming

Ridgway, CO — Dutch Charley Naturals — May 25, 2015
Sources here confirmed fears that the seasonal flow of mosquitos will be minimal in the San Juans this summer. Already traditional mosquito hangouts are “less than buzzing” say official sprayers, which indicates a disruption in migratory patters and this fewer pests.
“A lot of your fashion conscious, upwardly mobile parasites are opting for the beach this summer,” said an unconfirmed source in Pleasant Valley. “You can’t blame them since many beach resorts are offering killer deals on rooms and air fares are down.”
(Ed note: Mosquitoes have never been known to purposely fly on airplanes or pay even their part of a hotel room. This said, we will move on to the (hopefully) early end of this story.
“It’s not like we will miss these blood suckers,” said the source, “but they do spend a lot of cash.”
(This too has been questioned since no one has ever seen a mosquito spend as much as a dime on anything.)
Other economic watchdogs insist that the shortages of mosquitoes will not adversely affect the earnings of Colorado businesses in 2015. Saying that the parasites have never had any fiscal impact here, they called the concerns unfounded.
“There are people out there who seek to micromanage their gardens, their lawns, their pets, the birds in the sky and the fish in the rivers. They are a mess. These concerned citizens have gone over the top on the mosquito statistics. Did they count every mosquito to arrive at these conclusions?
“Children keep butterflies in a jar. Sooner or later the butterfly ceases to be amusing and finally smothers,” said Dr. Ed Pink of the Bug-eyed Institute at Pea Green Academy. “Then the same kid goes out and captures a frog or a snake. That’s how our local economy works. Mosquitoes have nothing to do with it. – Dag Katz