Queen’s Coffin Located, Expedited

(London) For a harrowing 20 minutes nobody knew where the coffin had gone. Then in the nick of time a Jamaican Airlines ticketing agent stumbled across it while on her coffee break across from the domestic baggage sector.

“There it was. Bright as a prosperous colony, standing firm as sterling silver,” she said “I had seen it on telly when it left Edinburgh. It was the only unclaimed cargo on a red-eye flight in from Mumbai.

Within moments hundreds of anxious federal and local authorities swooped down on the lonely carousel, still going round and round. Forensic specialists and members of the royal clan were then spirited to the airport to make positive identification before announcing that the Queen Mother was in fact “in there all right” according to police.

“Her Majesty does not fly on commercial airlines,” said an aide. “The very idea that her private box had been tampered with is illogical since it only need pass through rudimentary customs in London.”

The aide blamed the Irish.

Meanwhile with the newly found Queen Elizabeth (no last name given) arrived at Westminster Abbey without further incident.  

-Finn McCool