Montrose Rancher Eats 99 Pancakes

(Montrose, CO — Pomona Peeper — September 21, 2016)

Spring Creek rancher Ed Hempleman will no doubt be skipping breakfast for a while, maybe forever. After consuming 99 pancakes, or flapjacks as he calls them, in just three hours, he has the right. The saga began at Red’s Gravy Heaven on North Townsend when Hempleman and a few buddies began bragging about their appetites.

“Once I ate a steer in one sitting,” said one liar. “Then I had desert!”

“One September I ate a field full of potatoes,” snapped another.

“That ain’t nuthin’ howled a third. “My daddy ate up all the rainbow in the river from Gunnison to Delta, then took mom out for sushi.”

Arrogance led to challenges and soon a pancake-eating contest was set for the next morning. (Pancakes being easier to count than steaks and trout.) The match drew 13 participants eyeballing the $500 prize put up by Aunt Jemima Orchards of California Mesa.

The rules were simple: Every contestant would eat in 15 pancake increments and would be given a five-minute break between plates. Whoever ate the most pancakes from 8 – 11 would be declared the winner. If the competition ends in a tie there will be no sudden death overtime.

We pick up the play-by-play live from Red’s: lined up in a trance behind their designated stacks, they looked like plumped birds on a wire, dangling from plate to plate until just Hemp leman and 77-year-old Harvey Birdseed of Pea Green were the last pan-cakers standing. Then, like the egg scene from Cool Hand Luke, Hempleman began stuffing pancake after pancake into his gobbler, leaving Birdseed in his battered wake…

Already jerky eating, potato eating and pie eating contests are slated for the county fair. Proceeds from the event were not announced. Organizers say that the leftover 1000 pancakes would be donated to fill all of the chuckholes between Cahone to Gypsym.

“These people are gifted athletes,” cried one microphone man. “The public just doesn’t know.”

– Small Mouth Bess

“Never trust a man who agrees with you. He’s probably wrong.” – traditional cowboy saying