Presidential candidates gain weight in eleventh hour in appeal for obese vote

• Cleveland) Mitt Romney and Barack Obama have put on a little weight these days in an attempt to sway the vote of Ohio’s chubby voters. Hoping to capitalize on the state’s higher than average obesity ranking both candidates plan to put on 10 pounds per day before the November 6 election.

They intend to do this by restructuring their diets and terminating all exercise.

“I intend to be one with the people,” said Romney from his tour bus near Akron. “The middle class is a little round around the middle as I will be, if not today then on the first day of my Presidency.

Obama echoed the same sentiments promising to embrace a full figure agenda despite the reported protests of the First Lady, Michelle Obama, a strong proponent of nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

“It’s finally come to this,” said one Libertarian. “Politicians have been employing smoke and mirrors since the beginning of time and now they have evolved into shape changing.”

Thirty-five percent of adults in the United States are obese according to countless studies conducted by the Center Disease Control and the number is growing. Mississippi is the fattest state and Colorado the leanest. Ohio falls somewhere in the center and the smell of fresh voter blood there has been enough to entice the hungry coyotes in both parties.

Both Romney and Obama supporters acknowledge that their whistle-stoppers will begin to shed the pounds (like election promises?) immediately following the election. Obama plans to jog in Anacostia while Romney has booked a month in a swank resort-spa in Park City.

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GHOST OF ABE LINCOLN THANKS DIXIE FOR SUPPORT OF GOP

(Charleston, SC) The ghost of Honest Abe Lincoln, dba Honest Abe the Rail Splitter, aka (expletive deleted) Emancipator of the Slaves visiting shipyards here across from Fort Sumner to express his gratitude for the support of the American South in this and most elections since 1968.

Before that the Democrats could count on the overwhelming vote of Dixiecrats or the Solid South, in a region that saw the Republican Party as the Yankee Party. Many Blacks did not vote in those days and the democrats featured candidates that would keep it that way.

Lincoln, who appeared and reappeared in a gaseous state, similar to the smoke and fire from Civil War battlefields was attended by lost souls of the more than 700,000 war dead who didn’t thank anyone.

“I don’t care what level-headed people say,” snapped one descendent of the conflict whose ancestors  bombarded the Union fort stranded like of concrete raft in the secessionist harbor. “Lincoln and the Republicans started the war, perpetuated Reconstruction and destroyed the South. How these people can support them today is beyond belief.”

Polls suggest that most people below the Mason-Dixon Line do not connect Lincoln to cotton or Yankees to Republicans.