Paper Severs Mob Connection

(Gunnison) The San Juan Horseshoe has terminated its business relationship with the local syndicate due to what it calls philosophical differences and irreconcilable differences. A spokesman for the paper said simply that the two entities were growing apart and had different priorities as to the proper way to conduct business on the Western Slope.

“Those mob guys were too damn nice when it came to overdue bills and dealing with other publications,” said Melvin Toole, who broke the news this morning. “We feel that it is necessary to send a strong message to our customers and our adversaries. We mean business and there are no second chances when it comes to fiscal tardiness.”

Sources on the Front Range, which was only recently purchased by Japan, said that many mob bosses were heartbroken at the decision. Some may never recover from the shock of sudden separation. Already many have lost interest in their normal pursuits and have taken to going to church.

Apparently the decision came with the realization that the paper was grossing a fortune without the input of the mob.

“In the early days we needed the support of these enforcers but with the coming of peace and prosperity we have outgrown that kind of approach,” said Toole, “but I will miss these colorful characters hanging around the composing room.”

Toole added that there is nothing quite like arriving at work in the morning to a gangsters in white ties and black shirts hanging out in the lobby, flipping coins and frisking visitors.

“I especially likes it when they’d pick their teeth while talking,” he said. “Now there’s a sight to behold.”

Toole said that several of the paper’s former associates will be kept on to train new collection agents arriving from the former Soviet Union next week.

“We just want a smooth transition and will help retrain the workers affected by these changes. Advertisers who remain cooperative will not even notice a difference,” he gestured.