Herbivores Busted by DEA

(Cerebral Pines Stifled Press – August 25, 2015)

Law enforcement agencies have rounded up more than 4000 suspected herbivores, charging them with meatless acts of insurgence, sabotage, plant abuse and, in rare cases, of mutiny.
In custody are leaders of Leafy America, Fruits of the Loom and The Black Sprouts, three known terrorist cells suspected of operating fruit and vegetable stands from underground bunkers on the Uncompahgre Plateau.
“We haven’t located their bunkers yet but it’s just a matter of time before one of them spills the beans as to the whereabouts of the hideouts,” said Officer Lamb, of the Colorado Beet Growers. “Then the frost will clearly grace the pumpkin.”
An attorney for the herbivores, Jay Cornking, says his clients have not broken any laws and that it is not mandatory to consume animal flesh in Colorado.
“If a person prefers to chew on a piece of kale rather than a rib bone he ought to be left alone to pursue his ends,” said Cornking.
Herbivores, or vegetarians as they are often called, pay taxes, volunteer for community organizations, do not strain social services and educate their children according to date collected at elevated levels. Often perishable, these fringe groups are severely misunderstood by carnivores and pot roast barons.
“Just because we don’t build feedlots for peas and carrots doesn’t mean we’re bad people,” said one cowperson. “We’d just rather have a rib-eye than a radish on the grill.”
“Old fears die hard,” laughed Cornking. “Eating greens here in Colorado is legal by way of an amendment to the state constitution. Who cares about a lot of misdirected pontificating in Nebraska and Utah.
– Manual Flushe

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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