COWBOY CLASSIFIEDS (circa late 1800s)

JACK OF ALL TRADES General dealer in hardware, spurs, hoop skirts, dry goods, molasses, putty, cakes, grindstones, etc. Also teeth extracted for less, horns burned, shoes mended. Ned Buttman, Ames.

Needed: Night watchman for the Wyoming Territory. Looking for man who can work by himself, set own hours, provide monthly reports on the state of things up here. Emile Turlo, Pinedale Coiffures.

Will the woman who’s looking for wranglers to herd UFOs off her Montrose ranch please contact Red Babbs at the QBC Ranch in Colona. You can’t have UFOs because this is 1889 and they haven’t been imagined yet…that we know of. Maybe you should call an exorcist. However, I happen to be rustling work and would accept position as a managing cowpuncher. Resume upon request.

Will the British fella that spent last week at Ruby’s Dude Ranch please retrieve his britches. We’re an entertainment facility not a storehouse. After all these years of business the girls and I have never seen such a pair and failure to contact us will result in their display in the parlor window come Christmas of ’21. Ruby.

Need wrangler to escort sacred cows from Ft. Worth to Abilene. Good pay and bonus at the end of the drive. Carl Waco c/o Grapevine Stockyards.

Silent partner needed for bank heist January 30. Great pay if all goes well. Must have own tools and be handy with a sidearm. Anonymous drifter with bad teeth and scraggly beard preferred but will consider family man or elected official in need. Cole Younger, Monegaw Springs, MO.

Ed’s Fly Repellent. $2 a can. Guaranteed. Ohio City Store. Pitkin.

Exhausted and burned out gold digger, 22, seeks stable position in honest profession. Will consider restaurant work or livery attendant. I’ve been told I have very attractive legs if that makes any difference to ya. Betsy Bilkflower, Parrot City.

Sick of sagebrush and coyotes? British Empire seeks to repatriate former subjects for work in expansion of influence by force. Exotic travel to South Africa, India and Ireland. Good pay and citizenship in a growing concern. Lord Admiral Quelpp, Mercy Beet Hall, London SW. (June 10, 1910)

The 7th Cavalry is searching for entrance level trainees for reconnaissance work in South Dakota. Major Roy Custer, Bighorn Acres, Rapid City. No realtors. (September 8, 1870)

Need a set of 1883 henway headlights for my palomino and a drive train for my saddle. Can’t afford much on wrangler’s pay. John J. John, Spring Creek Herefords.

Fully matured, reimported whiskies by the glass. Beer imported all the way from St Joseph. Faro, race results by wire, poker on Thursdays. Red’s Gravy Heaven, Gladstone, CO.

Dishwasher needed for thriving Telluride restaurant/bar. Looking for Colorado native who is clean, organized, punctual and handy with his fists. Apply in person at the Senate Restaurant before 1886.

Homesteaders: Free land in Colorado. Apply by February, 1889 and 40 acres is yours. Owner must occupy land 30 days following agreement to file records at appropriate Quart House. Must make acceptable improvements before January, 1890. EOE.

Trail boss needed for trip between Waco and Dodge. Must be bonded and have comprehensive cow insurance. Horse provided if necessary (why put all those miles on your own horse?) $100 per month includes all the biscuits and coffee you can muster. Howard Appleton, HA HA Ranch, Lake City.

Want to rub elbows with Utes? A reception for Chief Ouray will be held at the Odd Fellows Hall in Uncompahgre City on March 7, 1879. Bring a covered wagon.

Store teeth for sale or lease. Hardly used. Dr. Harmony Chios. Upstairs the marshal’s office, Placerville.

Tin Cup town council seeks capable sheriff for fun loving gold camp. Last four gunned down. Term depends on luck and shooting straight. Survive the first few months and we will re-negotiate contract. Includes living quarters and bullets. Chance to move up. Decent pay and insurance. Send telegram to same. Cash on the barrel or the casket. We’ll pick you up in Almont.

Experienced proctologist needed for marathon cattle drive. Day work. Sam Mustache, Sneffels, CO.

Half bison, half longhorn puppies. Free to good home. Ask at the Ouray Livery.

Wanted: Modern 1880s-type woman to move to our gold camp. No funny business…we just want to look at you and maybe ask you to dance the two-step. Private quarters and buggy. 100 lonely miners, Gothic.

Roommate wanted for 1872 Chrysler New Yorker. Private entrance. No utilities. Prefer short person who does not snore. George Roscoe Lovinggood, somewhere in Alaska. This is not 1885.

Free to a good home: 40 acres on Log Hill free to first come. I’m just sick and tired of sweeping it. Big Nose Kate.

PRAIRIE DOG CATCHER needed for Pea Green and vicinity. Prefer someone with culinary background. Pastry chef would be perfect. Executive Chefs Placement, Wimpton.

Denver Nugget Cheerleader Counseling. Thursdays under the Tomichi Creek Bridge. Pay as you go, Gunnison Hibernians.

Anachronistic iconoclast paralyzed from the neck up seeks foxy female companion for winter solitude. Make sense to you? Wire Mulch in San Francisco or leave a massage at the Lombard Chiro.

I will flip coins for special events: football games, assassinations, weddings, funerals bar mitzvahs. Al Gore, Tennessee.

Registered Bigots wanted for experiments with cleaning fluid. Pay by the day. Insurance after a week. Box 615, Gunnison. We do not issue the Racist Card.

We have in our possession about 1.5 million dollars worth of marijuana left in a Tom Mix lunchbox behind the Anarchist Booth at the Revolutionary Breakfast Consortium Wednesday. Owner may claim by describing buds. Please come to the Montrose (CA) Police Department to claim. No phone calls.