Pope Urges Faithful to Play Golf

(Vatican City  —  June 25, 2016) Pope Francis today encouraged a throng of believers mobbing St. Peter’s Basilica that a round of golf is perfectly compatible with spirituality and makes a fine follow-through to an hour or so cramped in a pew.

“Sunday is still the day of rest where I come from,” said the Pontiff in his native tongue. “And I find lofting a nine iron onto the green or dropping a 20-foot putt quite restful.”

On the subject of skipping church altogether in favor of more golf the Pope scowled and said that would be between the golfer and his conscience.

“My grandfather played plenty of golf in Buenos Aires and I often caddied for him,” continued Bergoglio, the first Pope from the Americas. “He cursed a bit but handed out valuable, life-lesson advice. Once he told me that it was far better to look for the ball in the middle of the fairway, where you hoped it had landed, rather than wasting time beating the bush or combing the water hazards for it. He said it was a metaphor, like the Tango.”

Whether or not other Evangelicals will come onboard with this Sunday suggestion is unclear although the Presbyterians and the Episcopates have been tearing up the links for decades. Leading Baptists have flirted with the idea for some time but remain concerned that it might cut into evening services on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.

Readers may recall Puritans Banned Golf in 1677. “Foolish waste of time… Silly, causes anxiety and the use of profanity in many cases,. Often causes citizens to dress flamboyantly and is not in keeping with the modest dress of a God-fearing gentleman.

Pope Francis, who was never a stand-up comedian or scratch golfer while in Argentina became interested in these skills once he lived in Rome.

– St. Roscoe of Fairways